So he came over. Walked in. He had brushed well so the taste and smell was much better. I found myself 95% into it.. I told myself to relax. Let myself go. Let someone love you Cinn…
So one thing led to another. It was good. But not rock my world good. I alternated between thoughts of thinking after all that time… How could it be and then how could it NOT be?!?
And in a perfect world, I want a bigger dick. I’m a size queen. But also one aware that my potential mate may want a girl with some attribute I have more or less of… so just saying… in a perfect world where we can pick the penis I say supersize me please 🤣
Also in a perfect world, I would like my beautiful iron bed to NOT squeak loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear!
He had to go home to take care of his dog. I was perfectly fine with that. He told me that we would have to start working up to spending the night. I was fine with this too… but not really wanting it at the same time. Still, I knew that this is part of a relationship and doing the work. After living alone most of my life, I can’t really say I’m desperate to have someone in my space. Or to be in theirs.
Then the weather started forecasting record cold and snow to come… Blizzard like conditions. I had all the groceries I needed. I was pretty content, although a little nervous as I had not been through anything like this before.. he wanted me to come stay with him. I resisted….. He pushed.
I found myself working and then realizing, if I continued along that path, nothing in my life was going to change.
So I let him come get me and the dogs. He has a very sweet, but very large dog. I have two medium to small dogs that are very sweet, but not big fans of other dogs. So I won’t say it went fabulously, but all things considered… It was about as good as could be expected
I spent three days and two nights at his place. I couldn’t sleep. I always felt like a guest… Which yes I know is normal… but not a guest that could make themselves feel comfortable. The conversations were ok, but still no real connection. But the physical.. He just wanted to make out or have sex all the time and I just didn’t want him.
I have always thought of myself as a very physical person. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who loves kissing. Now I wonder if those things are actually true. I don’t know if it was just my lack of attraction to him.. or maybe in the past I was overcompensating?
No, I don’t really think I was overcompensating. I think I should’ve bowed out when I was first repulsed by his breath. I tried, but I’m not sure that was the right thing to do.
Anyway, I started running a fever and not feeling well. I honestly wasn’t sure if it was lack of sleep, and my body reacting in a physical way to my mental and emotional feelings… I had him take me home.
The next day I was still feeling terrible, and went to the doctor… Tested negative for Covid and the flu. But by this time, I had noticed my vulva was extremely inflamed and had developed sores. Due to it being the time of Covid, I had a virtual appointment with the doctor… And then a drive-through test. I mentioned what was going on downstairs… But she said there wasn’t much that could be done that I wasn’t already doing… And we left it at that
Aloe Vera, coconut oil. Ice packs. I couldn’t believe how horrible all of my girl bits looked. Not to mention felt. Open weeping sores. I cried every time I peed. Prayed to God to ease my pain. I was grateful that I was not working a normal job… And could literally camp on the couch in very loose leggings. I moved only to eat, pee and care for my dogs.
One surprising benefit I found to a blizzard.. When temperatures reach below zero, and you go outside in thin leggings… you get a little relief from the pain. For a few moments, you don’t feel anything.
Anyway… I had some antibiotics on hand and started taking them. after a couple of days I realized I should be taking Tylenol and Motrin to help with the pain… So I took the maximum dose each day. I also realized at some point that if I peed in the shower, the pain wasn’t as bad. Gross yep. Don’t care not one little bit. Also started taking warm salt baths to help draw out the pain.
And I spent time of course wondering if it was some form of STD even though my rational mind knew better.
To backtrack a little, when all this started, I did mention it to him. I got no sympathy. If anything, I got the distinct vibe that he thought I was exaggerating. Sooo… I sent him a picture. All the disgusting glory…
At this point he decided to do some research. He wrote me back saying that I might be allergic to his sperm. Only one way to find out he joked. Suffice it to say that your sense of humor goes out the window, when your crotch is on fire
I told him that I didn’t want to try again. he was shocked and upset. In the next few days he tried again. And again.
I told him that I didn’t feel like I had the kind of feelings for him that I should have, and it wasn’t fair to him.And fair or not, I feel like this was a pretty clear sign.
Fair or not, that’s one horse I’m never gonna ride again.
I’m a little over a week out now. The sores have almost all healed. The swelling has gone down drastically. But the skin all around looks like the worst case of road rash I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how I did this much damage with a razor… Especially without feeling it. Clearly it’s going to take another week or two for all the new skin to come in.
So, boys and girls… Be careful shaving. In fact, fuck shaving. I used to wax…maybe I’ll go back to that. Maybe I’ll just trim close.But I don’t think they will ever be another razor north of my knees again!
I did discuss the breath with him. The smell and the taste. I was kind and respectful, but I felt he needed to know.. Gum disease affects the whole body. He said that he knew he had let him self go, and is interested in getting it taken care of. I am trying to help him with that.!
So, all in all… I feel like I needed this relationship for a few reasons. One obviously is that it kicked the tires and lit the fires. I actually want to have sex again. Not with him… But I do want to have sex.
In the past, I had sex to make myself feel good. To feel loved. I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m not looking to find my worth in sex or a relationship.
I’m actually pleased that I have learned that.
And yes….. I know relationships are work… But I’m not sure it should be so much “try” right off the bat. I think I need to stop trying to make myself fit somewhere I instinctively know I don’t.
I feel like when I meet the right person, I will know. And I feel like if I don’t, that’s going to be OK too
This year, I moved to another state alone. I went through Covid alone. I have traveled alone… And now I have gone through this alone. The few people I have told along the way… They have their own problems. Their own worries. There was distance and circumstances… And maybe I minimize. But at the end of the day, the person who loves me and is always there for me… that’s me.
Maybe that’s my lesson here. I really like Cinn. She’s a sweet, sexy, tough chick. She’s got this.
Once she heals 🤣❤️
PS – New razor. If you’re gonna shave .. NEW razor. Take your time. Shave with the hair not against. Use cream or moisturize. Do NOT have sex right away. At least a day or two