Heavy

I haven’t been depressed in a long time. Well, that’s not entirely true… I think I will always struggle with depression in some form … but it hasn’t been anywhere near what I’ve gone through in the past

But today…

Today I felt exhausted.. down in my bones

And I napped a lot.. needed.

I’m not sure if this was a dream, or something I was thinking before I fell asleep

I thought about killing myself and my dogs.

By leaving the oven door open and going to sleep.

Please don’t write me messages of alarm. I’m not really in this place. I don’t know why I had that thought… Or exactly why I am purging it here… But I feel like I need to.

Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this thought ?

Release something?

Or just a random shadow passing through?

I read something recently about people struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts… And it being tied to past lives. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s interesting.

Maybe it’s working out something we couldn’t work out before.. ? 

All I know.. I’m ready for some new energy.

I’m ready to never have these thoughts again.



Scorpio New Moon 🌙 ♏️

Happy New Moon ✨🌛🌝🌜✨

On October 27th/28th (depending on location) the New Moon is in electric, magnetic Scorpio, bringing with it an intense energetic storm.

Those who are highly sensitive to energy will have been sensing the charge in the atmosphere for the past week or two, as we are also in the shadow period that precedes Mercury retrograde.

This lunar energy is divinely placed so we clear out all old, harmful and disruptive energy before Mercury Retrograde arrives on Oct 31st.

We will be feeling highly intuitive, as well as having enhanced levels of sensitivity during this phase, so it is likely we will read deeply into situations, and possibly feel levels of emotional pain due to what we discover. The more we are aware of what and who emotionally triggers us, the better equipped we will be to get through this phase.

This New Moon is the optimum time to look at whatever is causing disharmony in our lives, and to discern whether it is our own doing, or created by our circumstances or those around us. The more dysfunction and drama we clear out of our lives before Mercury Retrograde begins, the more peaceful and harmonious the retrograde period will be.

It is also possible that rather than anything external causing friction or discomfort, it may just be our own overthinking and unhealed emotions that are making it immensely difficult for us to feel at ease and in harmony with life.

All zodiac signs will be affected by this lunar energy, but will particularly impact those born with Scorpio in their chart.

The moon is enigmatic and empowering whichever phase it is in, however, the New Moon in Scorpio brings super-charged energy.

Scorpio opens up an intense, all-consuming phase that questions the sincerity of our closest relationships and how comfortable we feel when communicating our innermost feelings and desires.

Revelations about our circumstances will be coming to us thick and fast, and could cause us to recoil from friends or loved ones as we attempt to make sense of our place in other people’s lives. We will likely notice that our relationships are being tested, which may result in us seeing the truth about those who aren’t authentic or sincere in their dealings with us. Particularly, we will see straight through the masks of those whose intentions and motivations do not match their words.

Scorpio’s powerful vibration has been building over this past week and many will have already felt the disruption, strength, and intensity emanating from it, and have seen how it has heightened existing tensions by presenting through obsessions, jealousies, arguments, frustrations, and disagreements.

It may seem that our circumstances are full of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and confusion, as we struggle to see who is on our side and who is secretly sticking knives in our back.

To top it off, our sensitivities will be off the scale, and we will want to emotionally react to things that we’d normally let pass. This may cause personality clashes with arguments and disagreements flaring up, and may even lead to closing doors on certain friendships or relationships. Though, if we are truthful with ourselves, these are the ones we probably should have ended long ago due to the amount of chaos they bring to our lives.

This energy can often feel brutal, compulsive, and irrational. So this moon phase is likely to bring out our extremes, meaning we may feel immense love and passion one minute—and high levels of anger or frustration the next.

We will have noticed in recent days we were turning our focus inward and discovering hidden depths and layers that we were previously unaware of. This is due to the Scorpio moon awakening our subconscious mind, putting the spotlight on our unhealed and deeply hidden emotional wounds.

We will be becoming more aware of certain things happening behind the scenes—and during this moon phase suddenly a light will shine brightly, and people’s true characters and intentions will be exposed.

Insights and wisdom will be coming to us thick and fast, so it is essential we take time to process and make sense of what information it all holds—and the reasons it is coming to us at this exact time.

Now is the time to prioritise ourselves, and mostly to place ourselves out of harms way; therefore, we will find ourselves compelled to cut the binding cords with relationships, friendships, and work ties that have been causing us more turmoil than calm.

It is never easy to let go of people that we’ve once felt close to, but with our new awareness and understanding, it is far easier knowing that our lives will be much more peaceful and stress-free without certain people or situations blocking our way forward.

This is definitely the time to get rid of any habits, patterns, thoughts, obsessions, commitments, dynamics, or material items that have been weighing us down and keeping us stuck in a reality that it neither healthy or serving us. Anything no longer resonates with who we are and how we want to be living will now start dissipating .

We will have low tolerance for people who are only around to create dysfunction—or to continuously take, with no effort to mutually maintain and help build the relationship.

One of the most significant things we need to remember during this New Moon is that Scorpio has a nasty sting in its tail, and once it inflicts pain on someone, they are unlikely to feel guilt or remorse. As long as the other person suffers more, Scorpio walks away feeling justified, believing that had the line not been crossed, they wouldn’t have felt the need to deliver a deliberate final blow.

Another vital thing is that Scorpio also has the longest, most detailed memory, so once they’ve been wronged, they won’t wait around to see if things can be put right. Therefore, anyone who behaves cruelly and callously during this moon period is likely to receive their last marching orders, and despite how irresistible they may be, or how much they plead for forgiveness, second chances will be unlikely.

Scorpio doesn’t “fake” anything, so we will quickly become aware of anyone around us who is wearing a mask and is full of false pretences, and we won’t hesitate to take a match and burn those bridges. During this energetic lunar wave, we may seem to others as though we’re handling things well, and appear unaffected on the surface, but internally, there will be a chaotic storm.

With all this happening, the best thing we can do is remain aware that energies are causing disorder and pandemonium, so there is no need to take it all personally, even though it will likely feel highly personal at the time.

This is why it is important to remember the difference between responding and reacting, and to move out of harm’s way when possible, so that we do not get into futile, explosive conflicts and become emotionally and mentally drained.

The good news is that although this moon is choppy and unstable, it will show us who our true friends are. And while learning that someone is not our true friend can be temporarily hurtful, in the long run we are far better off knowing who is loyal, genuine, and clearly on our side.

As with all storms, we have a choice: we can go into self-protection/damage limitation mode and turn off our phones and take shelter, hibernate, and isolate for a few days to keep ourselves away from as much human interaction as possible, or we can confront the storm head on, ride it, and see what it’s here to teach us.

Step back and observe rather than diving into the deep end, as although it may be tempting to put people straight and dish out a piece of our mind, all that happens is that we are dragged into other people’s chaos, and we won’t feel good about it when the drama settles down. It is also vital to remember that some people are energy vampires and will deliberately manipulate us to create chaotic scenes that can lower our vibration as they energetically feed off our volatile emotions—if we choose to let our thoughts and feelings spill out.

Despite how challenging and volatile Scorpio is, it will be a period where our intuition—or even psychic ability—peaks, and we see people with clarity. This helps us successfully untangle the complex reasons that we’ve allowed dysfunctional dynamics to remain, and brings us to an understanding of the true reason that certain people are in our lives.

When we go through energy shifts, it is vital that we discard outdated belief systems, let go of irrational and debilitating thoughts, untangle ourselves from toxic dynamics, and become aware of how we are holding ourselves back by repeating harmful patterns of behaviour.

Absorbing this lunar energy can be overstimulating at times, which might make us feel emotional, drained, and fatigued, and we may also notice the following occurring:

* People from our past reappear, so we have the chance to finally learn a valuable lesson, to make amends, or to forgive and release the past once and for all.

*Physiological symptoms may manifest, such as flu-like symptoms, ear ringing, or aches and pains.

*Frequent anxiety or feeling panicky without clear reason.

*

We might “know” things without logical explanation and find it difficult to explain the source of our information.

*Irrational bouts of fear of the future.

*Temporary loss of memories, forgetting things, misplacing items.

*Time appearing to go extremely slow or fast.

*Taking more responsibility for behaviour and actions.

*Disrupted sleep, insomnia, waking between the hours of 2:00 to 5:00 a.m.

*Vivid dreams that help us find resolution with past emotional issues.

*Irritable, triggered easily, mood swings, frustration, sadness, bouts of anger.

*Sensitive to noise, light, tastes, touch.

*Feeling as though something huge is about to happen.

*Awakening to past mistakes and no longer allowing ourselves to repeat them.

*Chronic fatigue and being around other people feels draining.

*Feeling zoned, spaced out, or ungrounded.

* High intuition, sudden insights, heightened awareness, enhanced compassion and empathy, seeing things with clarity, and receiving answers or resolutions to ongoing issues.

*Releasing, healing, letting go of the past.

*Overthinking and obsessing over tiny details.

*Emotional, bursting into tears for no apparent reason.

*Noticing synchronicities—for instance, certain number patterns reappearing.

*More consciously aware of other people’s energy fields and highly sensitive to negativity.

*Sensitive to certain noises, particularly tones of voices.

*Becoming aware of things we have been conditioned to believe.

*Growing discomfort around certain family members, friends, or work colleagues.

*Wanting to spend time alone, introspection.

To make the most of this energetic phase and manifest the life we want to be living, we can ask ourselves the following questions:

*Who and what nourishes my soul?

*What stories am I telling myself that are keeping me trapped?

*Why am I afraid to trust?

*What do I need to do in order to love myself more?

*How can I connect more with other people on a soul level?

*Am I being honest about my emotions and being true to myself?

*What do I need to do to forgive myself, and others, fully?

*Who or what am I holding on to that is causing dysfunction in my life?

Overall, we are receiving an empowering opportunity for major personal transformation, to remove blockages and old patterns, to realise and manifest our purpose, and to expand our conscious awareness.

New moons are for a time for new beginnings, but this one, specifically, with the accumulation of Scorpio and Mercury energy, is also bringing endings. The saying “when one door opens, another door closes” will certainly be ringing true in the days ahead.

As with everything moon related, it is all for our highest good, and that of those around us. So although major change and transformation is on its way, there is nothing to fear, as long as we stay mindful and aware and don’t react irrationally to the turbulent and potent energy swirling around.

Mercury retrograde and the New Moon make this timely appearance to force a final push so we finally release anything harmful or destructive in our lives, as we do not want to keep carrying around old and heavy baggage.

If we remain aware that at any time our own, or other people’s, behavior could catch us off guard, we will find this period a huge learning experience that will deliver the exact insight needed to reshuffle our lives, readjust direction, and shift towards the end of 2019 well-informed and fully prepared to enter 2020, on a wavelength that offers the very best chance of creating twelve new blissful, loving, peaceful, and extremely high-vibrational months.

During intensive energy shifts, it is highly recommended to regularly cleanse our energy field at the beginning and end of each day by drinking plenty of water, taking salt water baths, meditating, or spending time outdoors in nature, and taking time out alone to reconnect with oneself and to release any negative energy that may have accumulated.

Alex Myles

~

**Disclaimer: If you experience any of the symptoms listed here, please also seek the advice of a medical professional. The above symptoms are commonly noted during energy shifts, however, there may be other medical-related causes.

The Not so pretty

So I’m struggling with some feelings. Ugly feelings… and why I am feeling them.

So first, this has to do with someone I consider a friend. Not entirely trusted… But I would say on the peripheral of what I consider a friend..

That’s me. It’s rare for me to completely trust anyone

Maybe it’s my Scorpio ♏️ nature … Maybe a learned behavior?? 🤷‍♀️

Anyway… although I have been thinking about moving up at work for at least the last year… I have always said otherwise to everyone I spoke to regarding…

And this particular friend, I definitely hid my aspirations from.

What I didn’t expect after speaking to my boss, was that she was going to go to this person and tell them… And not only tell them, but encourage them to do the same.

And honestly, from a business perspective there’s no reason that she shouldn’t. My friend runs a very successful business… Maybe even more successful than mine…

So, if I’m being honest, some of it is that I don’t like the competition… But there are several other people doing the same thing… So what is one more?

And it’s not like it’s a small market looking for just one person.

There is room at the table for several if not all…

This person has had a really tough life… And has worked really hard for what she has accomplished. I do not diminish that in any way..

She does like to toot her own horn… And often does it with me. I know that she needs validation. I also know she looks up to me… But is also competitive with me. Most of the time I will give her the validation and the praise…

But there are other times when I don’t give it.. simply because I find it annoying.

I’m not sure why that is. 

So it turns out she said all along she didn’t want to move up as well… Just following me, and maybe not having the confidence to pursue it on her own.

So anyway, when she emailed the person regarding entering this program… They did not immediately respond to her.

What resulted is that she went into the deep end of emotions, and called me drunk… I had to calm her down and tell her that they supported many regions and people… and it probably wasn’t going to be immediate

I wasn’t sure if she was going to be accepted or not… and internally I felt kind of angry for having to manage someone else’s emotions. ( or feeling like it )

In all honesty, I wasn’t really on her team. A very big part of me didn’t want it to happen.

And I hate that side of me. I hate that I feel that way…

Why can’t I know logically that the pie is big enough for both of us… and feel the same way emotionally. ?

The truth of the matter is, she is really good at what she does. Better than good.

Why can’t I share? And if I lose, why is it easier to lose to someone I have no relationship with. What does that say about me?

I need to work this out… And I guess the first step is purging it here and letting it expose to the light

Because I don’t feel good about these feelings. It’s not who I want to be.

And the other thing I keep trying to remind myself… If something is meant for me, no one or nothing can keep it from me

Except me

Madea Wisdom

This is one of my favorite Madea quotes.

I find so much truth in this… i’ve been letting go a lot lately… people, situations.. but mostly my false idea of being in full control of my life.

Because truly God is.

I either trust God or I don’t… So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and praying… Which for me is sometimes the same thing ( often… always ? )

I stopped holding myself back at work. I put in for a leadership program that my company has been asking me to do for three years… And I told them I was open to relocation… Anywhere.

I’m leaving that in God’s hands.

I feel really good about it… Exposed. Coming out of the safe shadows where I reside… But I know it’s the right decision.

Love life… Well I would kind of say that’s in the same place… but it’s not really. I don’t have a significant other… But I’ve made a lot of progress in listening to my intuition and making healthy choices.

I just recently dated someone who told me on the first date that he was still technically married and living in the home with his wife….

I thought he was a good guy ( still do ) so I drew boundaries. Very clear and firm ones.

We continued to hang out as friends. Absolutely nothing physical happened, other than hugs and holding hands

But it was obvious to me that he was looking for a Band-Aid for his pain… Something I know all too well of… and I did not want to be that.

Some other red flags came up along the way… Maybe it would be more fair to say yellow. Things that just don’t work for me… But don’t make him a bad person.

Anyway, after a few weeks, he told me another female had asked him out on a date… And it was obvious he wanted me to be jealous or say no. I encouraged him to go..

He did, and shortly after that they were posting on FB the relationship status and pictures.

I don’t think he has been divorced a full month yet.

Anyway, at first I was annoyed… And then I was annoyed that I felt annoyed… And I had to look at why.

I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him at this time. Or probably ever.

But what I realized is that my annoyance came from not feeling special…

But I knew that already from him. It was never me or about me… and I think that had a lot to do with why I couldn’t connect with him

And I’m really happy about that.

I don’t hold a lot of hope for his relationship… But it’s not my relationship to worry about. I liked their pictures, I wish them well in my mind… And I un-friended.

That may sound harsh… it’s not meant to be

I’m recognizing that there was a reason and a season… And it’s gone now.

I prayed about it and I feel like this is what God was telling me…

I’m making space ❤️







The Dark Night of the Soul: Understanding Amidst the Absence of Meaning

** Not Mine but posted for anyone who might find comfort or understanding

Have you ever felt alone in a meaningless universe, unable to bear going through the motions, having no sense of direction and feeling like you have lost all hope? You could be going through a ‘Dark…
— Read on medium.com/@thejoshuapress/the-dark-night-of-the-soul-understanding-amidst-the-absence-of-meaning-3494cb193bc2