Seeing signs

Here’s one ❤️

I think it’s time

All the rage

So today I went to a fast food restaurant for lunch. Well, more specifically, I went through the drive through.

So after I ordered my food, I was directed to pull into the right hand lane. The left-hand lane proceeds to the window to pay and get your food… While the left is handled by a runner.

This apparently makes the process more efficient…?

So I pulled up in the left lane, and the runner brought me my drink and then went back inside with my credit card.

A car pulled up behind me, and started to honk the horn. Not continuously.

At first I thought it had happened by accident.

Then more honking. At this point. The thought crossed my mind that they must think I have my food already…

No worries. I knew it was coming soon.

Then the male driver starts yelling at me… I think something to the fact of what the fuck was I doing… to which I responded that I didn’t have my food yet.

By this point the runner is back out, and seems confused. I told him that they seem to not understand I didn’t have my food yet… And at this point they pull up alongside me… The female passenger is out of the car screaming at me.

I’m still confused. As best I could tell, I was where I was supposed to be. There weren’t other cars. I don’t know why they weren’t told to go in the left lane…

This female is steady cussing me out. Before I knew it, I looked at her… Kissed my finger , And gave her a nice clear response.

I’m not positive but if I had to guess, I was smiling. I’m like that. I smile in all situations- and I think you’re stupid and fuck you… yep, that’s definitely something I’d smile about

She came completely unglued. I saw the switch flip… And then for a moment, I realized that I could’ve put myself in harms way for nothing more than a fast food lunch

I raised my window, put the foot on the gas and got out of there.

I didn’t stop shaking for several minutes.

I still don’t understand what happened.

More than that, I don’t understand this level of rage. Is the world becoming this much of an angry place?

Do I unwittingly bring this on myself?

Am I supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from the universe ?

I still took flight.. even if I did take a moment to register my displeasure 🤣😎

It’s a mad mad world





The Message

Felt lighter after my last post. Purged.

Laid down to sleep, and a message came in from a girl who used to work for me years ago. In the last 15 years or so, I’ve spoken to her maybe once or twice .. short Facebook blurbs

And the message was short and vague

Hello, just letting you know that I cancelled my Facebook account temporarily. 😊

And I’m tired. In my bones but I knew she needed help.

So I asked ” is everything ok ?” Already knowing the answer was no

We’ve had sad Holidays.

Two of my sisters are not doing well.

Both are going through Chemo therapy, one has breast Cancer and the other has Leukemia. The one with Leukemia may not last very long. The Doctor told her to just enjoy life.

The conversation was short. I told her to talk to her sister and ask for a sign… that I knew she’d always be with her

And that this time was a gift although painful.

She seemed to find a little peace. I’ll pray for them.

I find this interesting for two reasons… one that she came to me after all this time. That’s mind blowing to me

Two, that I prayed for death and here it was presented to me in a different aspect.

God has a sense of humor I do believe.

I found this tonight and it’s interesting as a Scorpio.

It’s quite a thing to be born into. I hope I fulfill my purpose. Even if I live up to this in the smallest way.

♏️❤️

Holiday Blue

Spent Christmas sick at home alone. Which was kind of how I expected it to go. My immediate family all chose to have Christmas at home with their families… a fact that I am trying very hard to not resent.

But , the thought occurred to me today that I’m alone because of my own choices. Not that I think I passed up anyone who was meant for my future .. so 🤷‍♀️

Depression set in hard today. Que the black thoughts that I won’t go into now. No point.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the unknown consequence for not.

But I don’t really believe God punishes pain. Returning again… THAT thought exhausts me past my normal soul tired…

Ever see the Green Mile ? That’s how I feel sometimes. A lot . Almost every day.

Tomorrow will be better I know. Hopefully my flu will pass…

My bestie wants to spend New Years together. That’s something. Another tough holiday for the alone. I could have spent Christmas Eve and probably day with her and her family but I won’t go there spreading this crap.

Maybe next year will be different. I feel like it might be.

Oh… and I called my Mom today. Clearly not in a great place… they were about to head to the cafeteria for lunch.

She told me she was sorry I called at a bad time.

I hung up and realized there’s nothing she can give me anymore . Or that in other words, she’s just not capable of giving what I need. It’s not in her.

Am I someone who likes being the victim? I wondered that today too.

Guess I have to always look at all options. Especially the mirror.

Anyway…

I don’t know why I’m putting this here. Maybe for another soul out there who feels like me today.

Hang on. Tomorrow is another day. ❤️ You are most definitely NOT alone

She no longer lives here

I’m probably one of the least confrontational people on the planet… unless it comes to defending someone else.

But in a situation where it’s just me… I tend to go with flight.

I had an incident the other day… I was dropping off a box of donations at Goodwill. It was 7 PM on a Sunday… And I didn’t expect them to be open, but it was on the way.

When I got there, I was surprised that they were still open. I pulled up and a girl came out with a cart.

I told her I was very surprised they were still open!

She asked me what I would’ve done if they were closed. Her tone wasn’t nice but I didn’t think much of it… And so I replied that I would’ve left the box at the door.

Apparently I was walking into a trap!

She literally started yelling at me… ” there are signs everywhere. You don’t EVER leave donations outside or by the door.

The level of hostility startled me. I didn’t say a word. I picked up my box, dropped it in her cart… Turned around and walked back to my car with her steadily yelling at me.

I closed the door on her saying something to the effect of ” yeah you have a good night lady ”

It’s been a few days since… And I’m still thinking about this

Obviously, her anger was misplaced. I don’t own it… But it did trigger a memory

My ex-husband berating me about something… I remember being on my knees… Almost pulled into a ball.

Covering my head. Reacting to his verbal assault as if it was physical.

I didn’t understand at the time that I was an empath.

I didn’t understand that I was in literal pain because I felt words differently than most people…

I felt crazy and confused… And of course he only reinforced this.

It’s interesting… Remembering didn’t cause me pain.

And I’m not sure how the two are related exactly… Except I didn’t defend myself either time… Not that I think I should’ve recently…

But it does make me think that I may have blocked things out to protect myself.

I’m not sure I want to remember more…

I have already had some secrets revealed to me intuitively… And with each thing I remember, or realize…  I see that I have given him too much sympathy

I have made a lot of excuses for him through the years. I’m not sure he deserved them

What I do know for sure is that it no longer matters.

What matters is that this time I saw myself… I saw what was done to me… And this time, my sympathy … my compassion…

This time it was for ME

I may not fight the stupid fights with people… But I will never be the woman crouched in a corner ever again

I got up again. I’m determined to rise. I’m growing into my power.

That girl is a memory. She no longer lives here.

❤️