So he came over. Walked in. He had brushed well so the taste and smell was much better. I found myself 95% into it.. I told myself to relax. Let myself go. Let someone love you Cinn…
So one thing led to another. It was good. But not rock my world good. I alternated between thoughts of thinking after all that time… How could it be and then how could it NOT be?!?
And in a perfect world, I want a bigger dick. I’m a size queen. But also one aware that my potential mate may want a girl with some attribute I have more or less of… so just saying… in a perfect world where we can pick the penis I say supersize me please 🤣
Also in a perfect world, I would like my beautiful iron bed to NOT squeak loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear!
He had to go home to take care of his dog. I was perfectly fine with that. He told me that we would have to start working up to spending the night. I was fine with this too… but not really wanting it at the same time. Still, I knew that this is part of a relationship and doing the work. After living alone most of my life, I can’t really say I’m desperate to have someone in my space. Or to be in theirs.
Then the weather started forecasting record cold and snow to come… Blizzard like conditions. I had all the groceries I needed. I was pretty content, although a little nervous as I had not been through anything like this before.. he wanted me to come stay with him. I resisted….. He pushed.
I found myself working and then realizing, if I continued along that path, nothing in my life was going to change.
So I let him come get me and the dogs. He has a very sweet, but very large dog. I have two medium to small dogs that are very sweet, but not big fans of other dogs. So I won’t say it went fabulously, but all things considered… It was about as good as could be expected
I spent three days and two nights at his place. I couldn’t sleep. I always felt like a guest… Which yes I know is normal… but not a guest that could make themselves feel comfortable. The conversations were ok, but still no real connection. But the physical.. He just wanted to make out or have sex all the time and I just didn’t want him.
I have always thought of myself as a very physical person. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who loves kissing. Now I wonder if those things are actually true. I don’t know if it was just my lack of attraction to him.. or maybe in the past I was overcompensating?
No, I don’t really think I was overcompensating. I think I should’ve bowed out when I was first repulsed by his breath. I tried, but I’m not sure that was the right thing to do.
Anyway, I started running a fever and not feeling well. I honestly wasn’t sure if it was lack of sleep, and my body reacting in a physical way to my mental and emotional feelings… I had him take me home.
The next day I was still feeling terrible, and went to the doctor… Tested negative for Covid and the flu. But by this time, I had noticed my vulva was extremely inflamed and had developed sores. Due to it being the time of Covid, I had a virtual appointment with the doctor… And then a drive-through test. I mentioned what was going on downstairs… But she said there wasn’t much that could be done that I wasn’t already doing… And we left it at that
Aloe Vera, coconut oil. Ice packs. I couldn’t believe how horrible all of my girl bits looked. Not to mention felt. Open weeping sores. I cried every time I peed. Prayed to God to ease my pain. I was grateful that I was not working a normal job… And could literally camp on the couch in very loose leggings. I moved only to eat, pee and care for my dogs.
One surprising benefit I found to a blizzard.. When temperatures reach below zero, and you go outside in thin leggings… you get a little relief from the pain. For a few moments, you don’t feel anything.
Anyway… I had some antibiotics on hand and started taking them. after a couple of days I realized I should be taking Tylenol and Motrin to help with the pain… So I took the maximum dose each day. I also realized at some point that if I peed in the shower, the pain wasn’t as bad. Gross yep. Don’t care not one little bit. Also started taking warm salt baths to help draw out the pain.
And I spent time of course wondering if it was some form of STD even though my rational mind knew better.
To backtrack a little, when all this started, I did mention it to him. I got no sympathy. If anything, I got the distinct vibe that he thought I was exaggerating. Sooo… I sent him a picture. All the disgusting glory…
At this point he decided to do some research. He wrote me back saying that I might be allergic to his sperm. Only one way to find out he joked. Suffice it to say that your sense of humor goes out the window, when your crotch is on fire
I told him that I didn’t want to try again. he was shocked and upset. In the next few days he tried again. And again.
I told him that I didn’t feel like I had the kind of feelings for him that I should have, and it wasn’t fair to him.And fair or not, I feel like this was a pretty clear sign.
Fair or not, that’s one horse I’m never gonna ride again.
I’m a little over a week out now. The sores have almost all healed. The swelling has gone down drastically. But the skin all around looks like the worst case of road rash I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how I did this much damage with a razor… Especially without feeling it. Clearly it’s going to take another week or two for all the new skin to come in.
So, boys and girls… Be careful shaving. In fact, fuck shaving. I used to wax…maybe I’ll go back to that. Maybe I’ll just trim close.But I don’t think they will ever be another razor north of my knees again!
I did discuss the breath with him. The smell and the taste. I was kind and respectful, but I felt he needed to know.. Gum disease affects the whole body. He said that he knew he had let him self go, and is interested in getting it taken care of. I am trying to help him with that.!
So, all in all… I feel like I needed this relationship for a few reasons. One obviously is that it kicked the tires and lit the fires. I actually want to have sex again. Not with him… But I do want to have sex.
In the past, I had sex to make myself feel good. To feel loved. I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m not looking to find my worth in sex or a relationship.
I’m actually pleased that I have learned that.
And yes….. I know relationships are work… But I’m not sure it should be so much “try” right off the bat. I think I need to stop trying to make myself fit somewhere I instinctively know I don’t.
I feel like when I meet the right person, I will know. And I feel like if I don’t, that’s going to be OK too
This year, I moved to another state alone. I went through Covid alone. I have traveled alone… And now I have gone through this alone. The few people I have told along the way… They have their own problems. Their own worries. There was distance and circumstances… And maybe I minimize. But at the end of the day, the person who loves me and is always there for me… that’s me.
Maybe that’s my lesson here. I really like Cinn. She’s a sweet, sexy, tough chick. She’s got this.
Once she heals 🤣❤️
PS – New razor. If you’re gonna shave .. NEW razor. Take your time. Shave with the hair not against. Use cream or moisturize. Do NOT have sex right away. At least a day or two
My best friend has been worried I’d be alone forever, as I have developed a knee jerk push away to every man I date. Is there some truth to this? Sure there is. But like most truth… It’s not quite as simple as that
My truth is that I have yet to meet anyone who felt right to me. Who I felt like I wanted to do the work with. Either I have total chemistry buy in, or I don’t .. I seem to find hot fuck boys or total “nice guys” … and nothing in between.
I recognize that I seem to be suffering from the female version of the Madonna and whore complex. Is there one that applies to men?
But, digging deeper there… The longer I have disconnected from my sexuality… The less I seemed to feel it. Truth be told, I’ve gotten to the point where I rarely even orgasm with self-love.
So.. is it a surprise no one else can start my engine if I can’t ?
I did have a good talk with Selena, and she reminded me that I could be alone and safe forever… Or I could take a chance on someone who wants to love me. I could let myself be loved.
So I called and invited him over. I knew what was coming. One of the clear signs I had disengaged with my sexuality… ummm let’s just say I’d gone natural a long time ago. So, knowing one of his desires was oral sex.. yeah probably not going to work. I frantically shaved.
Everything seemed ok. But this was the beginning of the end
Which leads me to dating. I’ve done a little dating since I’ve moved here. Nothing serious. Certainly nobody that lit my candle.
Let’s see… one guy who ticked all the boxes online and in text, but in person was creepy and weird. Not in that good compatible weird way one hopes for. But in the way that believes some people are aliens and reptiles… And is forever lost in the conspiracy theory loop. Something I’m quite fond of actually… But only from the fringes lol
One guy was painfully shy, awkward and struggling with PTSD. Police officer. Odd combo actually for police.
We actually had a couple of dates. I had hoped for more, but his communication skills or lack of… For me just wasn’t going to work. I actually introduced him to another friend of mine… But last I heard, she was having the same issue with him.
Then I met someone who felt different. I thought he was attractive, we seem to hit it off… We had a fun first date, at a local bar/video game place. But, the negative… His breath was awful. Not just bad breath, but the smell of periodontal disease. It’s a very distinct smell.
So I really struggled with this. It is correctable. I have my own issues… like everyone, there are things about me that other people could find distinctly unattractive. And, I felt like this was a good guy… And maybe worth some investment
Second date, I was suffering from some kind of stomach problem. So I invited him to my place to watch movies… Knowing I would need to be close to a bathroom.
I think like most men he misinterpreted that, and I should have been more clear up front… but in any case, I found myself acting like someone I didn’t recognize. Like a definite prude. maybe it was the stomach issue… Maybe it was the breath… Maybe it’s the lack of intimacy in a very long time. I’m not sure.
Somewhere in this period I ended things with him. And then instead of feeling the relief that I normally feel, I felt panicked that I had ended it.
Third date. He came and picked me up and took me to his place. He cooked me dinner. Conversation was awkward. Again I’m looking at myself like a stranger. I don’t know why I am acting or feeling the way I am. I want to pick fights with him for no reason at all.
I did try a couple times during the evening to make an emotional connection… But I always felt it landed flat. I would say some thing that meant something to me… And get literally nothing back…
Then when he wanted to get physical, I was not into it. I need a mental and emotional connection to connect physically. I did try to explain this to him. He blamed his end on ADHD and being nervous. Could be. I don’t know
It got to the point where I was really irritated, and asked him to take me home. Which he did. I told him I only wanted to be friends. At first I was glad to be away from him… And then after a few days I found myself thinking about him… and then he told me that he didn’t want to be friends… And when faced with all or nothing… I decided to be all in.
So, when I moved to a new state, I promised myself that I was going to use this move to be different. Not to be different in creating a whole new person… No, I wanted to return to the person I was before I got married. Only better. I wanted to return to me.
I remembered a lot of things this last year. Plenty of time in silence will do that for you. I remembered that I used to enjoy having people over to my house. I remembered that I used to love going out and doing things with my friends. And how my ex-husband slowly isolated me. With my consent… Because I didn’t recognize what was happening to me over time
Honestly none of that matters anymore. What matters is that I remember.
So, when I was in the military, and I got moved to a new place… I had to take it upon myself to make new friends. Sure there is always curiosity about the new people… Particularly new women.. BUT, you have to put yourself out there. Back in the day, it meant going and sitting in the day room and watching TV until other people showed up. Now, it meant joining online social groups and introducing myself.
So, pretty quickly I met several women here. The friendships have been easy with some… Slower with others. I’m OK with both. Honestly, I feel like I’m doing the work and that’s really the important thing. Who is meant to be or stay in my life will just naturally work out.
And of course Selina is here. About an hour out, but close. I think we are going on six years now of friendship born of WordPress blogs…
What can I say about our friendship? Well, I lost my dad in November. I just lost my breath and immediately started crying… Just getting those words out. I knew it was coming. Dad had been sick for a long time.. and yet, it ripped me in two. Anyway, probably a separate post on that another time.
This last year as part of my interim job, I had to travel quite a bit. One of these trips came right on the heels of this loss. I came home to find that my friend had brought food over for me to have to eat.. drinks… and flowers. The card read that she knew my tank was empty, and she wanted to make a deposit. This is the kind of friend we should all be so lucky to have.
So all in all, I was really fortunate to have some great experiences this year. Covid at all.
Stay tuned for part 3 😀
Well, I haven’t written anything here for some time now. What’s changed in my life ?
So at some point in 2019 I believe , my boss started discussing me stepping up. I remember sitting across the desk from her and giving my usual excuses but actually HEARING myself this time.
I just looked at her and said yeah I heard it too. I heard how ridiculous my words were. Sometimes these words on your lips are a totally different thing then they are bumping around in your brain.
I don’t really remember the chain of events exactly from there. But good things started happening. The business I ran continued to be successful. A powerful woman in our company chose me as her mentee. I was awarded manager of the year for our market.
And then my mentor asked me about relocation, and I said yes. Where? I said anywhere. Literally.
Why you ask ? Because I have been praying for a long time… And every time I prayed, God told me that my future was not in Texas. so, I was willing to roll the dice and land wherever was presented to me and trust that it was his will.
So, then it was announced that my company would be opening a new market in Oklahoma. Was I still interested? Yes. Then panics it in, and I faltered. Tornadoes y’all ! But I prayed some more, and same answer. So okay, Here I go! Move set for July. I gave notice to my apartments. Everything seems to fall into place easily… One thing after another confirms to me that this is the right decision.
And then Covid hits. Business starts to tank. Like the rest of the world. I’m crying now typing this remembering the overwhelming pain and loss of that day. I would have to furlough all but one of my team members.
Months go by. Business returns. Not quite to normal but profitable. Most of the team is brought back. But opening new markets… delayed.. nobody had a plan, which under the circumstances is understandable. However I had already given notice, and my apartment had already been rented. I rented an apartment in Oklahoma, and told my boss with or without you, I am going.
And so I did. And, the entire first month I took vacation. And that was heaven.
Long story short, it’s 8 months later. I’ve had a dream job created for me basically. I’ve learned in this time to do a better job of controlling my negative thoughts.!It’s easy to let your mind go dark places with lack of communication and support. But while I was having dreams of being furloughed myself, my boss told me that the VP of our market had told them to do whatever it took to keep me. I replay that in my mind now to chase out the darker thoughts that try to creep in.
To be continued…