When I decided that 2016 was the year that I would finally open myself up to life and love again, I knew that one of the first orders of business was going to be removing the roadblocks. Actually, I think pulling up anchors fits better.
This year marked the four year anniversary of my divorce. I was shocked to find myself deeply saddened. Sure, on some level I am sad every day that my marriage failed. I failed.
But this was different, and I don’t know why. Maybe because somewhere in the tiniest, dustiest corner of my heart, I was still holding onto hope that we would get back together and live happily ever after.
I have seen him a couple times since our divorce, and if anything, it proved to me ( us ) that we made the right choice.
So why am I still holding on to him?
I may or may not have text him on his birthday. I may or may not have tried again at Thanksgiving. And I may or may not have text him again to say that I hope he looked me up if he came into town for Christmas. Ok, I did all of that.
None of which I am proud of. Or exactly sure of my motives for. Lonely maybe?
Oh, and did he answer? Well, that would be a big fat no.
Thank God for that.
So anyway…. I have deleted his number from my phone. I don’t have his address. We are not connected on social media.
What do I feel now?
I actually feel kind of proud of myself for making a healthy choice. For choosing something better. I can’t find out what is being door number two…or three… if I keep opening the first.
I accept that this marriage failed. That I failed.
But I also accept that because of this, I have been forced to learn…. to grow…. to change. And I am so proud of all of it.
I used to fear being alone the rest of my life. There are dark days still where those fears and doubts eat at me… and I do my best to not allow them to take hold……because ultimately I know that God has better things in store for me.
More than that, I realize that I have to be an active participant in my own life. Imagine that. Who knew??
It finally occurred to me that God expects me to love myself. Wow. That only took 47 years.
I was always taught that God loved me. I don’t think I have ever questioned that. But taking that further…. and believing that because he loves me and I am his…. that I fail him if I do not love myself. Well, those dots I have only recently connected.
So here we go…. weighing anchors away….
- I am combining blogs as a side note. I made a brief effort to write as myself, versus anonymously….but I could never fully let go and express myself. I always found myself worrying what family, friends or my job ( Christian based corporation ) might think… So here I am. This and a couple before, as well as a few to come are old…. but still a part of my journey towards the life of my dreams. So, here they are 🙂
- Thanks for reading and supporting me. xo