So, after nearly a year of back and forth, the tortoise finally managed to ask me out. Sort of. Like “so when are we going to so and so store? ”
Anyway…So I clarified. Part of that clarification included me disclosing ( again ) that I have bad anxiety driving… and that if it was a date, I expected him to pick me up and not meet me there.
Now, I have met many men at locations for a first meeting. But these were strangers virtually. Not someone I was set up with by a friend… and certainly not someone who I have communicated with for nearly a year.
Anyway… the place he wanted to go to was at least 30 minutes from me.. and involved several major freeways and bridges. Not something my anxiety was going to be able to likely handle.
So, he agreed to pick me up.
And the day came….with a drastic weather change. This always triggers a headache for me. I didn’t want to cancel… It had been so long in coming… and I didn’t want to give a bad impression.
Anyway, by the time he arrived, I was already not doing too well. But I was trying to work through it. I asked him to stop at a drug store, which he did… and I got some meds and a Dr. Pepper for a caffeine boost as well….
I notice that while he opened my car door the first time, this time he does not.
But after getting on the road and driving about 15 minutes, I started to feel even worse. I felt nauseated and was afraid it was now turning into a migraine. I told him that I was really feeling bad, and would he mind if we went back to my place and watched a movie instead? To which he responded that he wanted to still go for a little while at least.
I was shocked. In my head I was calculating the cost of a taxi back home. ( This is why I should meet first dates I remind myself )
His sister gets sinus headaches he says. So I’m guessing he thinks I can deal because she does? I’m just in a haze of pain, nausea and confusion.
We get there, and thankfully after another 10 minutes or so the meds kick in and I start to feel better. I’m glad we came….even if I am still very concerned about his selfishness and lack of empathy.
So we shopped and chatted. Seemed like we were getting along well. He asked if I was hungry. Yes. We go to the food court, and I don’t offer to pay.
I never feel comfortable with the money issue. I was raised that the man pays…. every man in my life that I respect says the man pays… and yet, I always feel myself wondering if I should offer. I don’t know if this is a self esteem issue or something else. But I keep my mouth shut…
He talks about his ex during the day. A LOT. Enough that I finally ask how long they’ve been divorced. ( 3 yrs ) I can deal with hearing about an ex… I talk about mine too… they are a part of life. Especially with kids…. but I do NOT want to hear about them on a date. Especially a first date.
Lunch is over and we head home. Again, he does not get the door.
We are talking politics… something we have done many, many times previously. We are very much aligned….
But then it takes a turn. He starts talking about abortion. How women aren’t presented a choice at the clinics. I’m debating in my head…do I…. don’t I ? Well, if we are going to have a relationship, at some point I will have to tell him. ( Right? ) and if I don’t now, that will seem like a lie later…? And better to know now…
So, I tell him. I had an abortion. It saved my life. I saw three different specialists….all of whom told me it would most likely kill me. To end the pregnancy and never get pregnant again.
I tell him that I was presented with the options at the clinic.
I tell him that I will probably never forgive myself.
I don’t remember what else I said.
He said something along the lines of my “why” being acceptable. I can’t remember the exact words. I do remember feeling judged….just as I have been so many times when I’ve shared this about myself.
Like it’s still the kiss of death, but they aren’t going to out and out condemn me because it was life saving.
Anyway, shortly after this we get back to my apartment and within a few minutes he tells me he is tired and is going home.
We had plans the next day, which somehow turn into something he is doing with his kids. I am confused. I wonder how I got this mixed up. I re-read our messages…I wasn’t mixed up. This is a douche move. I don’t want him to be a douche but he kind of is
My friend says it probably isn’t about the abortion. I am ultra sensitive about it.
I finally heard from him after a couple of days. Just a silly chatty message. I don’t know what to make of him.
I know he has not dated much. I think his ex wife, and one other person in high school. But that doesn’t excuse away leaving me like this.
I was pretty sad the next day. I made myself go to church, because I knew that if I didn’t, I was going to spiral into a depressive episode. That was the right decision.
I sat there in church and prayed that he take my sadness. I thought about why I was sad…. because I felt rejected. Because I invested so much of myself and my time with this man.
But, I also reflected on how far I have come in the last few years… I’m proud of that.
My greatest fear is being alone the rest of my life. I have been afraid of being alone my whole life….since I was a little girl. Which is ironic, as I spend most of my life alone as it is. You’d think the fear would diminish. It doesn’t.
So….to wrap up. Tortoise …. well, he didn’t win the race. I’m not inclined to try anymore with him. I’m not inclined to look for anyone else. There is no race.
There is NO race! And that’s ok. I’m OK. So there’s that… 🙂