I’ve been struggling with my depression a lot these last few weeks. Actually, for the last year… I function enough to do my job, but honestly little else.

I do spend time with girlfriends when I get the chance… but at my age, most ( all ) of them are married or in relationships so that leaves very little free time for that.

I could date, but I don’t feel good about myself right now so I stay away from the dating sites.

At times I think about ways to meet my needs… to feed the lonliness … It’s why I thought ( think ) about meeting up with ” Awesome “…. despite the fact that I know in my heart, I can’t be what he needs any more than he can be what I need.

That voice in my head says ” oh, but for a little while”… And yes… for those moments, it would be so nice to touch….to be touched…to feel alive and cared for again….

But the afterwards…. that’s when the darkness would come on hard…. and the whispers of “maybe it’d be easier if ..”  I know the thinking is distorted. I know the voice is evil. I push the thoughts away… and I worry about a day when maybe I can’t…

I have this thing with my exes. I don’t cut ties. Even with my first love… and it is now some twenty something years later. He and I have had this thing with each other through every relationship we’ve had. Sometimes we go months without talking….during our marriages, it was years… He loves me. I love him…

But it’s not love. Not love like I need to be loved. Not love like I want to be loved. Not love like I deserve to be loved.

The fact is, he never chose me.

He is separated from his wife now, and we’ve been talking. ( This has been coming… they made an agreement five years ago to stay together until their kids graduated…. and have been essentially living seperate lives ) I even made plans to go spend my birthday at his resort…I thought that maybe I’d have a good birthday for once.

But in the last few weeks I realized that I want more than whatever this is. He texted today. It was nothing, and I didn’t text back.

I don’t know what the future will bring. I just know that right now I am lonely. I’m depressed. I’m about to move and I’m stressed…

I don’t need to be worried about sex, and play.. and whatever else. I’ve got to be worried about me. Taking care of me. Starting with my physical, mental and emotional health.

Sorry if this is one big long ramble…

And breathe…

I wish I had somebody watching over me.


122 thoughts on “Depression

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