Long title huh? It’s the truth. Right now I’m feeling a biting reality check.
So I thought I was healed. Ok, maybe not fully, but certainly enough to be open. Ok maybe not fully open but certainly not the full on armour ready at the slightest touch of a button.
Well anyway, date five was just lunch. I was excited about it enough to go after working. That’s usually my reason to not go. Hell, it’s usually my reason to not accept in the first place!
As you know, I don’t like to drive… But I agreed to meet a place that was about 45 minutes away. I knew that he was trying to pick someplace nice. What happens, is that my GPS took me way out-of-the-way… And I was at least 20 minutes late. He could not have been sweeter or more patient about it.
We had a nice lunch, and said goodbye. I knew that I wanted to see him again. We exchanged messages agreeing to continue seeing each other without pressure or labels.
In the time in between, we got to know each other as much as you can by phone or text. He planned a really nice and full day for me yesterday.
So basically, he came to my place and picked me up. Something I normally never allow.
He took me to a steak restaurant… And then we went to the main event, where we played air hockey and pool. It was really fun, and I let my hair down more than I usually do.
There was also one driving game that was very short-lived, because I could not take the feeling of actually being in a simulator… Triggered my anxiety.
After this, he took me to Starbucks where we had some drinks and more conversation… Followed by a visit to a ice cream place.
Everything at this point is going great. It is when we get back to my place that it unravels.
Somehow, we got on the subject of his ex… and in his telling of the story and break up, somehow my alarms triggered. I honestly do not remember saying it… But I know I thought it, and apparently I did… But basically I accused him of not being finished with her.
It was pretty quickly after this that he left.
This is not a case of listening to my intuition. We talked today… After a night of a very upset stomach and very little sleep. ( which to be honest surprises me… I knew I liked him, but the amount surprises me )
He used humor but definitely made his feelings clear about what happened. I completely took ownership of my shit, and apologized.
He accepted my apology ? I think… But left me hanging as to if he wanted to continue seeing each other or not.
That really sucks. I was really excited about the potential with him… I think he is a really great guy…
At the same time, I’m a great girl. I’ve been through a lot in my lifetime, and it’s really hard to be vulnerable. But I’m trying.
So I have some lessons to learn here… And I am. At the same time, I know I deserve someone who doesn’t give up on me when I make a mistake…. Someone who wants to talk it through and have those difficult and uncomfortable conversations… And come out better and stronger on the other end.
Will that be him? I don’t know. What I do know, is the ball is firmly in his court and I have done all I can do.
So… This is me recognizing that I have more growing to do. The scary pic is his interpretation of me. The other is mine of myself.
Interesting isn’t it? That’s what a hurt little can turn themselves into.