So I’m confused

The dating is sometimes about personal growth guy…he and I have been texting. It’s been very sporadic and honestly felt chilly, but tonight he reached out… And ended up calling me.

We were discussing D/s and BDSM… And he has very little to no knowledge… Aside from some kinky friends.

He doesn’t want to always make the decisions. Or be responsible. 

Doesn’t want to cause pain.

I hear all that. I get it. And I wish I didn’t crave/need it… But I do.

And so here’s the thing. I like this guy. Like I really like him. 

When I thought he was upset with me I didn’t sleep well, and it ruined my day off afterwards. 

So what to do ? 

I really want to keep talking to him. Seeing him.

Is this the right thing to do ?

Because I would want/ expect him to change in time. That’s not right. 

Is it ?

I’m understanding I’d have to give too.

A chance at something real is worth more than kink right? D/s ?

But I don’t want to be wishing for more.

I don’t know. 

I haven’t even kissed him yet. Why does he stir so much in me ?

Maybe his kiss will suck?

Maybe it won’t 

What then ?

My head hurts.

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33 thoughts on “So I’m confused

  1. I feel you.
    I struggle with this too. For me I want the core to be a connection that is more than kink, but a spiritual and intellectual and humorous compatibility. When you have all of those things (it feels amazing) and then you find yourself understanding that the D/s maybe isn’t possible to the extent that you desire… it can make you feel really shallow and selfish… or… something. It’s a bit of a conundrum honestly. I don’t have an answer for you, but rather just a nod and a hug.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s been where I’ve been for a long time now. It’s hard not to feel hopeless, and then I get down on myself thinking I’m just too complicated. But when I think about that honestly, I know it’s not true because when the D/s clicks in the right way, I’m easy to handle. Ugh. Dating sucks ass. 😚

        Were it me, I’d give it time. You’ll know soon enough if he can really make you happy.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. You’re right. I am overthinking this.
        I think what got me, is how much of a reaction I have to him… I know it sounds cold, but that’s actually pretty rare for me.
        So when everything in me reacts to a man, I pay attention

        Liked by 2 people

      3. An overthinking submissive? (gasp)
        hehehehe

        It doesn’t sound cold. It sounds honest. Sometimes there is no explaining what causes that intrinsic reaction. It is either there or it isn’t. It’s rare enough that when it happens it feels foolish to ignore it.

        And too, I have known men who said they didn’t want to give pain, and then with a taste, became beasts. Decision making and responsibility is more of a core issue, but still there’s really no way to predict what will develop.

        Liked by 3 people

      4. Lol 😄❤️
        You’re right. I need to let go enough to see where this develops naturally. Who knows, maybe it’s something… Maybe it’s nothing
        No sense worrying about which it might be

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t have the answer for you either 😦 I am torn between not saying follow your heart and see where it goes and saying to do so , ugh, i come from an 18 year marriage where I had to learn to top from the bottom and always be in control , i am by my very nature a submissive bottom, there was no M/s in that marriage, and very little D/s, but I loved her with all my heart and soul , and ya, it hurt that i couldn’t be me, but still, i truly loved her and gave up willingly everything I was and am and my preferences to be at her side, and i did it without complaint… having said that …. I am much older now and no longer with her, and ya, i do have regrets , and to an extent I am indeed angry and bitter that I gave up everything i was and am at the very core to be at her side , and yet, if she were still alive, I’d happily give up everything to take my place at her side once more …. maybe, your fella will be willing to learn, play and experiment down the road , maybe start with giggle sex , just playful and see where it goes and how he responds? and ya he will probably never be at the level you are at, but would meeting him halfway be possible? there is always a chance that he may one day become that Fierce Dom you desire, we all started out not aware of that side of us, and we all knew next to nothing and trembled in fear when we first started exploring … I don’t know, but if you are connecting with him on other levels , unless he flat out says he refuses to even learn or explore , the possibilities are endless with him. in the end it comes down to you , your wants needs and desires, and figuring out where you can or can not compromise, what you are willing to give up if need be.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I understand the struggle. I’m in a vanilla marriage and my submissive needs and desires don’t have an outlet anymore. At first I was okay with it but as time went on and my marriage was going pretty smooth those needs and desires became very restless….there was a longing to submit. I found an outlet that was great for awhile but ended up causing a lot of heartache when it ended. Now I beginning to accept that but not without some mental kicking and screaming.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My experience… Keeping in mind that I don’t need anywhere near your level of submission or pain…
    I need some dominance, guidance. I need someone who knows what he wants and knows how to take it, even if I also need someone who is very in tune with my needs and open to meet them before his own. (up till there, we’re still talking dominant, right?). The Dancer would never label himself as Dominant, because he respects women too much. Yet… there is something in him that is very assertive.
    He doesn’t want to hurt me, always worries about that, yet he’s the one who initiated our first spanking session, and actually listened to me when I asked for more. He didn’t stop when I needed him to keep going, even when I collapsed into sobs. We’d been together only a few short weeks by then, maybe months, but not long.
    Now… he understands that counting for me helps me achieve an even greater orgasm, even though he still needs prompting to do it. But he sees how helpful ti is to me. And is eager to give me what satisfies me.

    All this to say: we all start somewhere. If he realizes it’s actually respecting you, the whole you, to give you that, then… he may be more willing to do it!

    But, as someone said above…
    You haven’t even started down the road of a relationship, don’t rush things!
    This reminds me of something I read yesterday… I’ll try to find the link for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know exactly what you’re saying.
      Truth be told, I was pretty much drunk when I posted last night 😊
      It’s not so much rushing… As it is I’m not sure I want to make an emotional investment when it doesn’t align with what I think I want or need

      And, there is a chickenshit part of me that strives to minimize or avoid risk.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha! Don’t get emotionally involved, then! Take it as a time to get to know someone, and see where it goes!
        A year and a half ago, I would never have thought of finding what I needed with this man. I don’t think he was looking for anything, so he wasn’t about to find what he needed either 😉
        And now… I am finding out that we bring each other so much more than we ever dreamt possible!
        Just give it time 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, also… on the instant connection, without understanding why… follow your heart, trust your gut… whether they tell you to go for it, or to run away.
    The connection I have to The Dancer is difficult to explain, really. But it has been there from the beginning!

    Here is the link to what I read last night.
    https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/why-men-vanish-part-2-of-3/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=share&utm_term=why-men-vanish2&utm_content&utm_campaign=dri

    Particularly the very first paragraph on the discrepancy of how men and women perceive things while dating 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dearest Cinn, I’m torn in how to reply. If he is actively turned off by kink, I suspect you would always feel a sense of mourning and resentment. If he is simply unexposed and unaware of how pain is a great thing for some then you have lots to explore. One of the most Sadistic people I’ve ever been with had never even spanked anyone before me. And one of the best sex partners I ever had was totally unable to use bondage or pain with me. It was not an issue bc the sex itself was very rough, forceful, and satisfied the same needs. In terms of feeling that strong and intense connection-I get it-and I’ve found it to indicate a past life with unfinished business…which has been good and bad. If anything I pay close attention when I have the sensation that I can’t walk away and am more careful. Trust yourself

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kink IS something real…there are men who exist that fit securely, who see what is needed and apply themselves to satisfy the myriad facets of that special one in his life…change unfortunately is an unrealizable notion.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No thanks required…but sparkles are greatly appreciated😊

        Women such as yourself, full of unrequited passion with supernova emotional capabilities, are rare indeed…and should be indulged, which is my pleasure.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I, for seemingly no logical reason, sometimes have turned of the option to comment…go figure huh😊 I have several drafts that I suppose don’t permit comments, but most do. I guess sometimes I want a reader to have their impression of the piece as a solitary keepsake.

        The art is not mine, I can’t write/ draw/sketch my own name let alone something like that! But the artwork seemed to match, in a visual, what words ended up in the poem.

        Thank you for reading it…I haven’t posted much in a long time.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s highly kind of you to say…but I went on a writing binge a couple years ago out of nowhere. A friend introduced me to poetry and suggested I give it a shot so I did…I haven’t written a thing in forever.

        I’ll let some more writings out of the draft file if you wish and maybe that’ll “sparkle” me to come up with something new😊

        Liked by 1 person

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