Thoughts… What to say 

Well, what to say… I’m still thinking of the guy who chose someone over me. It will pass I’m sure. This is just the sucky part where my feelings hurt.

I have those thoughts of why did I say this or that…why did I talk about my need/desire for D/s and kink? 

 I look at maybe I was trying to push him away???  Because I am known for this…. But I wasn’t . 

I genuinely liked him, and saw a future potential… So I tested compatibility.

I chase this question round around in my head… how much does it matter? Is kink more important then a good guy and relationship? But then I remind myself it’s not as simple as that…

Could I live without ever being spanked again? Flogged? Sure. Etc. ditto

Would I feel it missing ? Always be wishing for something more? Absolutely

I don’t think that’s a good thing. I don’t think that sets me up for forever success.

What I absolutely have to have, is a strong man. I always said stronger than me… But in this last year I have realized that is a tall order. I am an extremely strong, and independent woman.

I also was not allowing for my partner to have their own vulnerability. God help me.… I still want to type weakness after vulnerability. 

In the beginning, I “allowed” my ex-husband vulnerability. I loved him more because of it… But in the course of our marriage ( ten years ) I grew to see him as a weak man… And this I can never have again. 

 Every guy I go out with, comments on my lack of vulnerability. I knew that I had walls up…..But had no clue how high those walls actually were… Or that they were surrounded by a moat filled with hungry alligators …with archers standing on the walls ready to take out any lone survivors 😜

It’s one of those funny… Not so funny kind of things. Clearly I have to do some work here.

Anyway, what I do feel good about it is that I have been making an effort. I went out with the guy who asked me out and then disappeared… I came back from that date full of mixed emotions. 

 He pursued me intently….and I could not figure out my feelings. At moments I was totally into him, and the next moment I was not. I think the biggest thing is that I keep all of my emotions tightly wrapped… While his were oozing out of every seam. 

I discussed it with my friends, and whether I was letting fear win….so that I could stay safe and alone… I didn’t have to go through uncomfortable…. I wasn’t sure. So I accepted a second date.

This date went the same way… At times I felt very into him… And then completely not. I cut the date short, and went home. He asked to kiss me and I made an excuse.

The next day he messaged me… And the conversation went like this :

Ok…. First of all, I was wrong for saying there was a connection. While we had our moments, I knew that I was conflicted… And it gave false hope.

What I really wanted was for his words and pursuit to be coming from another man.

I was trying to make a square peg fit a round hole…

Secondly, I may be 47… And I may have concerns about a future alone..but that does not mean I feel the need to jump on anyone who might be interested. I think that is exactly where he is at. 

So that in mind… Is it actually me that he is interested in at all?

Lastly…. The fan comment 😊 menopause ladies and gentlemen. Combined with the Texas heat… Originally I was sitting across the table, when he offered for me to sit next to him and be right in front of the fan!

Dating in your middle age… Not for sissies!!!

That said, I decided to disable my dating profile for a little while. I’m sure  I will open it again before too long….. But  right now it doesn’t feel good, and I am listening to my inner voice.

And, I made a doctors appointment for September 1. Life without hormones is not for me.

This time, I am seeing a female doctor…an OD versus MD. ( look it up ) 

I want to feel good again. That is priority #1


26 thoughts on “Thoughts… What to say 

      1. Yes about two years ago now. Complete.
        I was on low doses of estrogen, until a few months ago… I did not have a regular doctor anymore, and then a Prima care doc refused to refill.

        Due to my move, and work being so busy… And me not making me a priority, it is taken me this long to find someone to see.

        I have tried to deal… But I can’t sleep, I’m irritable… Stomach issues… And mostly the burning up constantly.

        Lol. That’s probably more sharing than you wanted 😄

        Liked by 2 people

  1. I have an issue with you saying ‘it’s probably more sharing than you wanted.’ I believe this is your blog, a place for you to share about you, to listen to your thoughts, sort out your emotions…
    So 1) if we don’t like it here, we don’t have to stay.
    2) I happen to think it’s usually quite helpful for others to see that they’re not alone dealing with some issues. You’re a role model in a sense 😉
    Sharing about menopause and its issues may just give heart to other women who feel shame at going through this after all very normal part of life 🙂

    Now, as far as the text conversation. I applaud you for being strong and telling your truth. And not letting him sway you into something different. It was nice of him to tell you you’re a good woman and not to let anyone tell you different.
    But that comment on wasting his time gas and money? Big red flag as far as I’m concerned. You telling him is exactly you not letting him waste any more of either three. Him trying to shame you for it is petty at best, manipulative at worst.
    You could always turn his quote back and say that you not fighting for it should be all the hint he needs to know you’re not interested, don’t believe in it. Any quote goes both ways.

    Good for you for taking the time you need to recoup. You’ll be fine in no time.
    And even better for taking care of tourself, makin YOU the priority!

    You rock Cinn. You’ve got this!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right Dawn. I have actually spent the morning watching videos about vulnerability and shame.
      That comment of mine was based in shame.

      I thought so too about the wasting gas and whatnot… I know he didn’t like the outcome… But nothing ventured, nothing gained… Even when sometimes the gained is just a life lesson

      ❤️💋 thank you Dawn. Appreciate the thoughtful comment

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. I counted four red flags in that conversation. I’d say you dogged a bullet on this one. Let me count…flag one…stalker much? flag two…guilt trip city…flag three…It’s all about what you cost me b.s manipulation…..and flag four…I’ve got the biggest case of butt hurt because I’m a big baby and can’t take no gracefully like a gentleman.

    You really dogged a bullet. Trust your gut. There was a reason you were hot and cold towards him.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I also agree completely, Ms. LeCour 🙂
      How very childish to lash out at Cinn like that just because she was honest and he didn’t like what she had to say 😦 I actually rejected a man last week and he accepted it. He gave me hope. LOL!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Please consider looking at what Brenee Brown has to say about vulnerability. She writes really powerfully about her research on the topic. i also think that you might appreciate knowing about a product made by Ban that are cooling cloths. They are cheap, available at Walgreens, and they work! They come packaged like baby wipes and will help. Finally, i’m concerned about the insecurity of men as a whole because they don’t seem to handle any type of rejection, no matter how carefully you say it. Also, why would someone take the time to look and see what hours you are on facebook to throw it up in your face like some kind of sleuth detective? If someone can’t trust you, or give you the benefit of the doubt at all, then the chance of having any kind of relationship with them should be zero. What in the world is going on with the men??!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have watch several of her videos. She does some really great work on the subject.
      I found a few really great ones this morning… And need to research further.
      I will look into those cloths. I did find a good over-the-counter today that seems to have taken some edge off as well…

      Men. They just don’t like no for an answer… I understand the financial aspect. But at the same time, they have insisted on paying. I was always willing to pay my own way.

      I did not like the Facebook thing either. I’m still mystified as to what he thinks he knows… He messaged me a little while ago, and I did not respond. I think it’s better that way

      Liked by 4 people

  4. Ah, dating and menopause, a familiar subject for me. Just had a conversation I would have initially preferred to avoid about my menopause symptoms. I’m glad you shared though, makes me feel less alone.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m glad. Actually was thinking about writing a post on a actually was thinking about writing a post on it… Kind of embarrassing, but thank you for your comment… Because it helps me not feel alone either

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I thinking of the to and fro nature of where you are – in general with dating and doing so while going through menopause. It makes that you’re taking a break make a lot of sense. Feeling whole and centered within yourself is very important before you can think/feel of aligning with another.

    As to BDSM and kink and the wondering if it is critical enough to you to bank any/every relationship against having it – I will say that only you can answer that. And only after a great deal of introspection.

    I can’t imagine not having it in a relationship. For me, anything else will be purely settling and since I did that for nearly all of my adult life, I’d rather have my dogs, friends for the journey, work that fulfills me and my kids and granddaughter for love & connection and no romantic relationship than return to feeling the deep feelings of emptiness while intimate with another. Those were the loneliest days of my life and there were far too many. I rather be without that and feel at peace than have that soul-hollowing out feeling day in and day out. That is just me … But while at this moment I can’t imagine being vulnerable, intimate and genuinely submissive to anyone, I can’t imagine being with anyone and NOT being vulnerable, intimate and genuinely submissive either.

    *hugs* Honey … I love ya and you aren’t alone!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think I can separate the two… Although I feel like it’s selfish to want so much… Why can’t just a good guy… Love… Be enough?

      I remember those lonely days… And they are far worse than any of my lonely days now.

      But the fact of the matter is, I am by nature submissive …. And that isn’t going to change.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. A man who is secure will appreciate your honesty re: your D/s needs. If he is not into it, he will let you know. But it is far better to get that conversation out of the way early, rather than later, when feelings may have intensified.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This guy sounds like a real jerk! I was offended by his “Clowns on Line” remark.
    I’m one of those clowns and I believe I could make a woman happy. 😉

    I’ll agree with Tieme8 on the natural cream. It might just be the ticket?
    I must agree with Dale also. Spot on!
    Matter of fact, everyone had a lot of GOOD advice.

    We want you feeling good,both mentally and physically. ❤

    Btw This also shall pass. It just might not seem like it.

    Liked by 1 person

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