Well, what to say… I’m still thinking of the guy who chose someone over me. It will pass I’m sure. This is just the sucky part where my feelings hurt.
I have those thoughts of why did I say this or that…why did I talk about my need/desire for D/s and kink?
I look at maybe I was trying to push him away??? Because I am known for this…. But I wasn’t .
I genuinely liked him, and saw a future potential… So I tested compatibility.
I chase this question round around in my head… how much does it matter? Is kink more important then a good guy and relationship? But then I remind myself it’s not as simple as that…
Could I live without ever being spanked again? Flogged? Sure. Etc. ditto
Would I feel it missing ? Always be wishing for something more? Absolutely
I don’t think that’s a good thing. I don’t think that sets me up for forever success.
What I absolutely have to have, is a strong man. I always said stronger than me… But in this last year I have realized that is a tall order. I am an extremely strong, and independent woman.
I also was not allowing for my partner to have their own vulnerability. God help me.… I still want to type weakness after vulnerability.
In the beginning, I “allowed” my ex-husband vulnerability. I loved him more because of it… But in the course of our marriage ( ten years ) I grew to see him as a weak man… And this I can never have again.
Every guy I go out with, comments on my lack of vulnerability. I knew that I had walls up…..But had no clue how high those walls actually were… Or that they were surrounded by a moat filled with hungry alligators …with archers standing on the walls ready to take out any lone survivors 😜
It’s one of those funny… Not so funny kind of things. Clearly I have to do some work here.
Anyway, what I do feel good about it is that I have been making an effort. I went out with the guy who asked me out and then disappeared… I came back from that date full of mixed emotions.
He pursued me intently….and I could not figure out my feelings. At moments I was totally into him, and the next moment I was not. I think the biggest thing is that I keep all of my emotions tightly wrapped… While his were oozing out of every seam.
I discussed it with my friends, and whether I was letting fear win….so that I could stay safe and alone… I didn’t have to go through uncomfortable…. I wasn’t sure. So I accepted a second date.
This date went the same way… At times I felt very into him… And then completely not. I cut the date short, and went home. He asked to kiss me and I made an excuse.
The next day he messaged me… And the conversation went like this :
What I really wanted was for his words and pursuit to be coming from another man.
I was trying to make a square peg fit a round hole…
Secondly, I may be 47… And I may have concerns about a future alone..but that does not mean I feel the need to jump on anyone who might be interested. I think that is exactly where he is at.
So that in mind… Is it actually me that he is interested in at all?
Lastly…. The fan comment 😊 menopause ladies and gentlemen. Combined with the Texas heat… Originally I was sitting across the table, when he offered for me to sit next to him and be right in front of the fan!
Dating in your middle age… Not for sissies!!!
That said, I decided to disable my dating profile for a little while. I’m sure I will open it again before too long….. But right now it doesn’t feel good, and I am listening to my inner voice.
And, I made a doctors appointment for September 1. Life without hormones is not for me.
This time, I am seeing a female doctor…an OD versus MD. ( look it up )
I want to feel good again. That is priority #1