Alone…. With my sparkles

Sad song…. And yet I have always loved it. I think I respect the rawness of it… The openness of his pain and the vulnerability of it. 

Maybe you have to intimately know depression to see beauty in it?

I have struggled with depression my whole life. I don’t know if being alone makes it any better or worse… there’s something to be said for having somebody there… And yet I remember many times during my marriage when he was right next to me, but I felt desperately alone

I often think that I am always going to be alone. The thought of growing old by myself is especially terrifying.

I think of killing myself often. I have since I was a young girl. I think about it when I’m sad. I think about it when I’m not sad. How often is often? Sometimes the answer is daily…. Sometimes it’s once a week… Sometimes longer… Those were the good times.

I know for those of you who don’t suffer from depression, that my even saying that sounds crazy… I know it’s hard to understand. To be honest, I’m glad you don’t. I hope you never do.

Sure I have family. I have friends. I have a  career. I would be missed. I know this.

I remember sometime last year being asked if I thought about the people I would leave behind, when I was feeling like dying. The answer was no. It is incredibly selfish. But when you are in pain like that…. The only thing you’re thinking about is not being in pain.
What keeps me here is my dog. And my faith in God…. And that somewhere in the middle, or underneath the despair… There is always that little twinkle of hope. The sparkle.

That is why I am all about the sparkle. The sparkle is hope. It’s life 😄❤️

I want people to know that they are not alone. You can make it through the bad days… You can push through the bad thoughts. You just gotta find your sparkle.

It’s there. ❤️🌟


24 thoughts on “Alone…. With my sparkles

  1. You always shine through. Suicide happens when people loose hope. So you keep that spark alive inside until it bursts. It’s a brave thing to admit suicidal thoughts. It is one thing to think about it and something else to have a detailed plan. i think love finds us when we least expect it, and i hope that you never settle for someone who makes you feel lonely in the same bed. You deserve every good thing. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right about the detailed plan. That’s a great point. I don’t ever let myself go there. That’s a black zone.

      Thank you. It’s not something people often talk about… But we shed.

      Thanks for the kind words and encouragement 😄❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes Cinny, you can push through the dark thoughts. i know people who have s have i and others who have not. Hope is what keeps the balance, but you know that. Hugs, sweetie! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hope is hard to believe in when your thoughts are distorted by depression. That’s why the effort to live honestly with a few close friends/lover can help you know when you are headed down that distortion road. Love you, babe. Being strong is about being honest. Sad thoughts and all.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. “The sparkle is hope. It’s life 😄❤️” I am so going to have to remember that…will make a difference on the days when I need something to make a difference…lots of hugs to you always!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love you girl. I’ve been there and definitely still struggle with hopelessness. I’m grateful that you have your sparkle to remind you of the spark inside you. You’re beautiful, even when you feel dimmed,and you inspire me.

    Sparkle power. 💖🎉☄️💎💥💫🎉💖

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Whenever I’ve felt depression’s touch, the thing that always snaps me out of it is knowing that someone somewhere in the world has it a lot worse than I do. Depression, literally and figuratively, is a killer… and I very stubbornly refuse to let my own mind do me in.

    My mom taught me and my siblings that life will always try to put you on your butt and when it does, get the hell back up and keep moving. She was right, of course, just as she was right when she said it’s often easier said than done… but it can be done.

    Ten years ago, I had a stroke… and while it didn’t kill me, the pain I still suffer from boggles the imagination and opened the door for depression to settle in – and it did… and I refuse to listen to it whispering to end it all, that this will make the pain and other infirmities go away.

    And I said, “Fuck you – I ain’t going anywhere yet! Now, go away and leave me the hell alone or I’ll sic the antidepressants on you and you know that I know you hate them, so…”

    You get knocked down and you get back up because you have to… and the alternative isn’t as attractive as it seems so never contemplate it, never accept it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m a stroke survivor too 😄 but I don’t have pain from it. I’m sorry you do

      I’m strong and I do reach out when life feels too much
      My biggest thing here is that I hate the stigma of depression and these thoughts.
      I want the air to blow them away… The sunlight to zap their energy.
      We NEED to not be ashamed to talk about it


      1. The thoughts are always there; I just don’t listen to them – I have better things to do. I know it’s not that we get depressed – it’s what we do about it that matters. The mistake many make is not getting help when it’s clearly needed; the medications suck, not really that effective without additional meds but, again, the alternative is unacceptable and should ALWAYS be unacceptable.

        Yeah… the pain. It’s crazy and I can’t remember what it’s like not to be in pain and, yes, I understand now why people want to end their life due to pain. Ain’t going there, either. I’m stronger than that and I never forget that I am.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I love your honesty, your sparkle… And I love you!! Thank you for sharing this. I think it is impossible for someone who hasn’t been at the edge to understand the emptiness and the pain. I hope for you lots and lots of often of happy times and good times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!! Love you too ❤️

      These are the hard conversations to have… I want to make it less hard… Less shameful

      Always looking forward to the rainbows 🌟


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