Sad song…. And yet I have always loved it. I think I respect the rawness of it… The openness of his pain and the vulnerability of it.
Maybe you have to intimately know depression to see beauty in it?
I have struggled with depression my whole life. I don’t know if being alone makes it any better or worse… there’s something to be said for having somebody there… And yet I remember many times during my marriage when he was right next to me, but I felt desperately alone
I often think that I am always going to be alone. The thought of growing old by myself is especially terrifying.
I think of killing myself often. I have since I was a young girl. I think about it when I’m sad. I think about it when I’m not sad. How often is often? Sometimes the answer is daily…. Sometimes it’s once a week… Sometimes longer… Those were the good times.
Sure I have family. I have friends. I have a career. I would be missed. I know this.
I remember sometime last year being asked if I thought about the people I would leave behind, when I was feeling like dying. The answer was no. It is incredibly selfish. But when you are in pain like that…. The only thing you’re thinking about is not being in pain.
What keeps me here is my dog. And my faith in God…. And that somewhere in the middle, or underneath the despair… There is always that little twinkle of hope. The sparkle.
I want people to know that they are not alone. You can make it through the bad days… You can push through the bad thoughts. You just gotta find your sparkle.