So hard 

I just needed this message today. Nobody is harder on me than I am. Why? 

My mothers constant criticism as a child.. when did that turn into my own voice?

Why do I pick at my own bleeding bones?

Sigh

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31 thoughts on “So hard 

  1. I think when we are harmed (emotionally & physically) as children, that damage is never healed. Our young brains and hearts are made of clay and when parents/or other abusive people punch us, those bruised indentations remain forever. Yes, we can go to therapy and it will help us accept and love ourselves more but the pain and uncertainty is still there. I do understand the self-criticism because I do it too, way too often. Someone said to me: “Talk to yourself like you would your best friend.” What would you say to her? How would you treat her when she is filled with self-blame? My very dear Cinn, I do hope this helps. We are different women with different life experiences, but I do feel for your pain. Please remember to be kind to yourself. Always.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I keep telling people around me (my kids, friends’ kids, anyone I hear doing it really!) that thing about would you stand by and let someone talk this poorly about your best friend? So why do you allow yourself to talk to yourself that way? You should be your own best friend. If you’re not, then who?

      As for the question “when did that turn into my own voice?”… I believe that it never turned into your own voice. It became it before you even had words to describe what was happening around you, what your place in the world was. That voice was the voice you felt before you could understand it. It was the only reality you knew, you were disappointing the person whom you couldn’t imagine you weren’t a part of, your mother.

      There is also a very interesting book, called “Why love matters” by Sue Gerhardt. I was fascinated when I read it 10+ years ago. It explained so much, and helped me move forward too.

      Sending love Cinn…
      XO

      Liked by 3 people

      1. That’s it!
        Keep hearing my little voice in your head every time you catch yourself being hard on yourself.
        I can be persistent at times, so I won’t leave you alone. The good kind of ‘not alone’, not the threatening one 🙂
        I read your last post. Sending much love.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are some of my own thoughts… And it definitely doesn’t help get to a better place… You’re right. Time to move on…. if only it was so easy. But something to be conscious about

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Just found you Cinn. You make me smile. Enjoy your response as much as your post. I am kinda burly so I need a friend to add some sparkle to my life. Thanks for being you. So..
    . vanilla with a touch of cinnamon? I am boring straight black guy most of the time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you!! Welcome 😀
      Plenty of sparkles to share 🌟

      I’m pretty boring too… but when I’m not….

      Vanilla with a touch of cinnamon …. loosely translates to slightly kinky… ok minus the slightly 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol…..wow! I get sparkles and kinky! Did I win the lottery? You seem like you are an absolute ton of fun! Don’t you wish the world would provide time to meet all the great people you come across in the world? Well… sparkle and kink away…. I’ll be here enjoying

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I assure you, tons of fun is online persona!
        I’ve met a few people from WP. All women. My biggest fear is always that they will be disappointed actually
        Most of the meets have been positive… so that’s good!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Im glad for you! I have never attempted to meet anyone I did not know before stumbling upon their blog. However, I meet many people who are now great cyber friends. Had a few I am home alone so let’s watch a movie at the time and chat about it dates. I have found most people who take the time to blog seriously are good people. Sorry for taking up your! Have a great evening!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I am actually reading through your post….not all sparkles and kink. Factoid about me….I have a large female English Bulldog named Zilliah. At this moment she is laying between my legs asleep, as she does every night. I could sleep better without her there….but…. and to answer the question forming in the back of your mind… possibly. I might possibly chat you to death if I enjoy the conversation

        Liked by 1 person

      5. You just inspired a sex humor post on my site. Sex and Candy. Check it out …. Be honest…tell me if it makes you smile

        Liked by 1 person

      6. PS..
        Looking at your site it seems men in Dallas have no manners. Come East Dear Lady to the land of Southern Gentleman! Lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah Honey.. we are so hard on ourselves. For me, it was being compared to my “perfect” cousin, whom I dearly loved but I knew her and knew that she was anything but perfect — I wondered how my Mom could view me so less than. Then, my Mom made horrible choices and all of my friends Moms look at me with suspicion; worried that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree – when I was the one keeping, and often pulling, their daughters out of trouble and away from temptation. Those voices are always there and shutting them off is tough, and sometimes, impossible.

    I think you are warm, caring, bright, funny, thoughtful and well-spoken.

    Try to listen to our works when the voices in your head are battering you.

    Liked by 1 person

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