The sickness

I’ve been having a really tough time lately…I may have to go back on my antidepressants. I don’t want to honestly… I don’t miss that numb feeling… and it’s not like I didn’t have these black periods when on them…

But right now everything hurts. Did you know depression can make your body ache? It does

And adding to it, things are very stressful at work. Business is down… This is fairly normal and cyclical, but there is immense pressure from above. This always falls on me… My position…

Today, I was really hurt and surprised by another team leader tearing down me and my performance. Both to my supervisor and my subordinates. Completely disrespected and blindsided. 

I have to admit there are areas in which I can improve. I will improve. But some of this was strictly blame shifting and unfair.

I came home from work feeling completely defeated. And the sickness that is depression whispered to me ” you’re always tired… You’re getting older now… Maybe you can’t do this anymore… You have no one to rely on but yourself, what’s going to happen to you when you can’t anymore??  

Maybe you should just kill yourself ”

And that’s how it works

The voice whispers to me all the time… It always has.

I am able to push it aside. To silence it. But never for long.

What saves me is my friends. Those who love you, and hold your hand through those times.

And this blog…. I know it’s not fun to read. It’s not sexy. It’s not sparkly. But you all lift me up with your kindness… And remind me that while today’s sparkle may be dimmed, tomorrow’s may be blindingly bright

❤️🌟

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19 thoughts on “The sickness

  1. My beautiful, soulful friend … you are still winning as long as you are able to acknowledge that depression is driving those voices. I understand completely about not wanting to take medication for it … and that hollow feeling that it can create. But I also know that sometimes that medication is the only thing between life and death. Thank you for sharing … for giving voice to these feelings that so may try to deny! Much love, Dana

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi!! Good to see you again 😀❤️❤️

      Thank you!! I do want people to know that they are not alone! I can’t deny my feelings… And live.
      On some level, releasing them here also frees me

      Much love to you too ❤️💋

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Cinn, i understand too about not wanting to do meds, but…. Working with your doc, you might find one that doesn’t leave you numb. Can you also do meds in concert with therapy? Sometimes, both in concert work best. (Spoken as someone who just finished with a dynamite therapist after 2 years and who has been on meds). 💜

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Sweet, dear, sparkling, strong, sexy Cinn. We are all (well me) late 40’s crazy train riders. As you have learned over the past 24 hours I attach quickly to a kindred soul. Your are not alone. You are amazing. You are loved by your fellow bloggers. We are here to share in all of you.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Quick thought tonight – a) you always sparkle brightly in my heart and mind b) I totally understand about not wanting to take meds, but if it is what you need to help for a time – there is no shame or defeat or failure in that. No more than there is shame in the antibiotics and cough medicine I am currently taking. They are a tool to help.

    This isn’t a weakness, it is a medical condition. Whatever you need to do to feel better .. you need to do.

    And, as for the person at work? I’m thinking very unChristian thoughts!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. yes depression is insidious,but think of this …. you are already winning half the battle …. you are aware of your depression and you are aware that it is the one speaking those vile hurtful words to you …. there are medications that can help without leaving you zombied, numb or in a fog , therapy does help and you can express your concerns about medications to the doctor and she should be willing to change your meds , and you may have to change them a few times until you find the one that works for you . do you have one of those mood lights ? happy lamps or whatever they’re called ? and there is those Himalayan salt lamps too, they are supposed to change the energies of the room , again i don’t know much about it , there is a lady here that does that rikki stuff and she swears by those salt lamps i don’t know just an idea 🙂

    i struggle with depression , but i am so dang immature that no one really knows that except for me , my Daddi and my doctor , i just became very good at hiding it behind a smile or a corny joke … but it still very much hurts …. try to find the beauty in life, the goodness people, and we have both said this before …. the self affirmation thing ! look in the mirror and say at least 1 positive thing about yourself, and pick out what you think is your best feature ( pretty much sure all of you is your best feature … but you are a lady… and ladies get weird and pick just one usually ) anyway pick yours out and admire it and verbally compliment yourself on it …. sounds nuts i know but the idea is to take in more positive to drown out the negatives , positive thoughts change your energy… your energy does effect your cells and tissues … negativity , leaves you tired, run down and open to the words the depression speaks to you …. positive thoughts energizes you an makes you stronger .. i don’t know , just sayin it’s worth a shot right ? anything has to be better than what you feel at this moment right ? sorry thats all i got , the squirrels are back and i lost my train of thought .
    hang in there you are a lot stronger than you think 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First of all, I’m sorry you’re struggling with this depression thing. I have too, at times, and I know the struggle it is.
      I like all that you said here. Working to find the meds that fit you and your lifestyle. It’s not because one isn’t working for you that you have to stick with it. Or with that dosage. It may take a few months, but you may be able to find one that works better with fewer side effects.

      Affirmations (that’s what saved me I think). First the yoga ones “I love my body. I’m grateful for my beautiful, healthy and radiant body”. I cried the first time I was supposed to say these in class. It all sounded so far from what I truly believed! But then, as I said it over and over again, every week, I started to be more confident and even believe it as I spoke the words. Similarly, later on (15 years later), when my FWB told me “You’re a beautiful woman, with lots of charm and great curves”… I made a point of saying it every time I walked in front of a mirror. And actually look at myself through his eyes. Every day, as I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and repeated it over and over again in my mind. After a short month, I started to believe it too.

      The good mood lamp may be a ‘sunight’ lamp? If so, I don’t think it would help Cinn much as, living in Texas, she gets plenty of real sunshine. Unless she stays cooped up in A/C atmosphere and doesn’t go out at all.

      Seeing the beauty in things… that’s another one of the things that saved me. I took on a photographic 100 days beauty challenge. Having to find something that reminded me life is beautiful every day for over three months helped.

      Finally, I believe you mean reiki. It is very valuable. Cinn, I can help with it if you want, even though you may benefit more from someone doing it in person, not across an ocean. You know how to reach me I think (if not, say so and I’ll give you my email address).

      Don’t give up. Starting back on your meds is NOT giving in, and even less giving up. It is you taking care of yourself, realising you need help and seeking it. You wouldn’t think twice about helping your best friend with these things, affirming nice things about them until they believed them, advising them to take care of themselves, driving them to the therapist…

      Be your own best friend. Ask for help. Do it.

      (and who cares about how sparkly or not you feel your blog is being? We’re still here, aren’t we? Maybe that’s the point. Friends stick with friends when they are in need. And there are so many who don’t believe anyone can understand what they are going through, reading your words will show them they’re wrong. There are plenty of us. And together we stand 🙂 ).

      ❤ ❤ ❤
      (to both of you, Country boy and Cinn, really!)

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I totally hear you and relate having had some bad years with depression. I hope you are doing as best you can and are keeping your breathing space. Sometimes that crap in our heads is just trying to wreck us. Disregard it and keep going. Please remind me of this next time I am battling. Take care

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry to hear of this, perhaps you need to take a little break from everything? I use to go on little day trips once in awhile to refresh myself from the daily craziness of my life. I felt much much better. I’m experiencing something similar at my workplace also, it makes life that much harder I understand. I take it one day at a time, I know forcing myself to do things make it that much worse. Hugs!!

    Have you read any books lately?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m sorry. I’ve been struggling with a mind that tries to die too. I’ve been seeing a therapist and re-learning about self-care and self-love and how to give myself what I need with the help of God. I’m praying that you’d climb out of the darkness, know your intrinsic value, and learn to live again. It’s a process but you will get there. The world needs you. You have value. And you will get thorough this.

    Liked by 1 person

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