Zapped out

Yep. That’s me. 

Things with the new guy have been good. Like so good… Too good to be true kind of good.

I get scared. I over think. And once I got started this morning, things spiraled out of control. I was in full spin with no one to catch me.

Why didn’t I talk to my girls? I don’t know.

Instead, I spewed a bunch of emotional vomit on him. 

And after I sent it… The reality of what I did started sinking in… But it was too late

And once he started to respond, it really sunk in

Let’s just say he was upset. Which, trust me, he had every right to be.

So instead of being on a great second date with him, I am home with swollen eyes and mascara stains.

I did this

Why?

I think on some level I feel unworthy of love. Which sucks, because I really thought my self-esteem was in a better place

He will be away for a while traveling… and I hate that he will be leaving on this note…

But, the good news is… He didn’t walk away. He was very thoughtful to do what he thought was best for us both… and he communicated with me openly, honestly, and respectfully.

I messed up. But what I realized today is what I could be losing by living in fear.

So I am taking this time tonight to rest and reflect as he suggested… And then tomorrow, I am setting out to get my man. Because I won’t lose him to my fear.

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21 thoughts on “Zapped out

  1. Hey Cinn….chin up … Smile! Remember, if it is destined for you to find love, it will be. Even “we” can’t sabotage that … Maybe you are leaning towards that tendency that makes us feel we can control how our entire environment, which includes all outcomes. A daunting thought … maybe … just maybe .. what you wrote would have “spoken” to one you are meant to complete have complete you? I will chance posing this: maybe you don’t need a protective possee?!? Give it away Cinn! It will be taken and remember everyone has fear … just enjoy the moments…the encounters… the I traction… keep own you DESERVE TO BE THERE AS MUCH AS ANYONE. I’ll also say with conviction that everyone has insecurities .. nothing wrong with being an open book … anyone that reads you knows your IQ is your issue ;-). If it were 40 points lower … life would be simple. Find Faith … however you define it … and emerge! And P.S. Fire your internal critic … she is rough ;-). Marathon .. not a sprint … you are everything you need to be. Just find a mirror and look … then smile. Celebrate you … don’t push you anymore … ok, I have so intruded and blew up your comment box! Just remember!!!! There are more of us out there then there are.them … we just hide … not me … not anymore … don’t you either.. Smile and have a fantastic night

    Liked by 1 person

      1. See how it works? And in return you have done the same for me. Justify your existence tonight … just because I said so 😉 … then remember that tomorrow is the FIRST DAY of the REST of your LIFE! Just smile … … trust me … for shits and giggles. Just give it away when it comes to the forefront… goodnight and thank you for sharing you

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Be brave dear one, check out my post called open letter to Gayle Forman, it talks about how we build our own prisons and how as Gayle says “life is an inherently dangerous thing, yet in love is where safety lies.” And don’t be too hard on yourself we’ve all done it, but risk please risk because without it you don’t have anything, you don’t even have pain!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. nothing ventured nothing gained right ? … self sabotage sucks and i am sorry that it happens with you, just take a deep breath … don’t forget to exhale or you will eventually turn purple , it is not the end of the world, nor do i think you scared that guy, i think he just might be a bit more understanding than you give him credit for.. i dunno, just most guys are , especially if they have a beautiful woman’s interest , and you ended your post perfectly… now follow through with those confident words and go get him tomorrow 🙂 wishing you the very best always 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Honey …

    First… yes. Reflect. But don’t bury your self in reflection and self-introspection because it becomes very easy to over-think and cause your self-esteem more damage.

    Second. Breathe. Remember to breathe. I’ve read your profile at FetLife and I recall he did too. You told him exactly who you are and what you’ve been through. Then, you’ve spent time together where I assume lots of conversations happened going into more detail. He can’t be surprised when you are you. He is likely shocked and shaken by the vociferous nature of your panic response to “it must be too good to be true, so let’s see if it is real.” I’d say this is very common of littles. Remember Elizabeth Taylor, “Woman’s body with a little girl’s emotions”?? You never made any attempt to disguise you.

    Third. Once you breath and reflect – forgive yourself. Even when he forgives you, if you don’t – his forgiveness will be fruitless.

    Fourth. I don’t know how the two of you left it – but, try not to boomerang next. Over-compensation is another way of over-reacting. Plant your feet, face your fears: if you feel you can move forward .. if you feel the two of you can move forward – then feel the fear and do it anyway.

    You can do this with him if you learn about you from it, if he learns about you from it and you both shake this off and move forward.

    If he is a man who wants to have a little and he has any experience with littles; and if he truly read your profile & conversed with you and believed when you told him who you are? This probably was a shock, but not a huge surprise. Sounds like he handled it well … that is a good (great) sign.

    :huggles:

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your words. I’m sorry it took me so long to respond… But I did listen… and you’re right, he was warned…

      But I think he also had his first lesson in Littles… Knowing and seeing/feeling… These are two very different things

      They forgiving myself was the hardest. But, I did it 😀

      And I think, this was a blessing in disguise.

      He did handle it well. He showed me his feelings… His hurt …his anger… he stepped back and was thoughtful in his responses.

      The self-control… Very good sign

      😀

      Thank you for being my friend ❤️

      Like

  5. I’m sorry but……
    Women are weird….F’ing weird!

    It’s why I’ve started to think

    Screw it, who needs it?
    Be pissed, but this post pissed Me off (and I’m not even involved)
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not pissed. But perhaps this is a learning moment for you. Women have emotions…hormones..insecurities
      We make mistakes.
      He wasn’t bitter, or mean. He was upset but talked me through it. He still is.

      And I’m falling more every day because he catches me.

      Think about that. Sure beats screw it, who needs it

      Cinn

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m tired and won’t take the time to read all comments, I apologise. But… I almost did something crazy the other day. I knew deep down it was crazy, so I managed to reach out to a few friends telling them to tell me what I already knew was a bad idea. At least now I can see that it was a bad idea, that it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me and the ex.
    Be gentle with yourself. You didn’t ruin everything. Your insecurities of having been in an abusive marriage did. The brainwashing you suffered for all these years, not to mention your childhood.
    He left for a trip, he’ll be back. Look at it this way: either he’s still interested when he comes back, and it shows he is really a great guy. Or he isn’t, and there isn’t much you can do about it.
    Either way, you can remember that experience and next time, you’ll recognise it’s the insecutities speaking, not you.
    sending love
    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He didn’t close the door on me/us.. we are still talking. I can feel him still staying a bit back, but that’s ok… I will just have to put in the effort to show him that I want him and us.

      Hugs back 😀❤️😀❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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