What if…

I sent this to him the next day. He wasn’t humored… 

uh oh. It was going to take more than a “little” charm.

He was really hurt, and angry.

I’ve always wanted a guy who would put in the work for me. I just haven’t wanted to do any real work myself.

That’s kind of an eye-opening realization from this experience. Not one I am particularly proud of… But good to know nonetheless…

Something is different here. I know he is special. I know I want to be with him.

I did, and I’m doing… The work.

You know… the stuff of real relationships. 

It wasn’t charm that worked. It wasn’t being funny or cute. Or sexual.

It was being real. 

The kind of ugly cry where you don’t look or feel pretty. Runny make up and nose. Trying to talk and you can’t really.

Feeling like your going to be sick.. and that your heart is literally going to break.

Yeah that.

So here’s to the “what if ”

I don’t know what the future holds. I find that terrifying.

I only know that I’m willing to take the risk… because the not trying and never knowing is even more terrifying this time.


10 thoughts on “What if…

  1. Cinn, I can very much relate to what you are saying. Sometimes I try to be funny when I just need to be real. I guess I’m hiding my vulnerability. I’m hoping it all works out in your favor, you deserve happiness. It’s just so much scarier opening up when you feel like you have a lot to lose. (btw the meme is great)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always try to be cute or funny. It’s so much easier. Plus it makes me feel more in control .. in a weird way

      It’s really hard being open and vulnerable.

      Thank you for understanding πŸ˜€β€οΈ

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I found that being open and vulnerable is what worked for me. Has been working so far.
    Checking where my emotions are coming from, why they’re there, and think how I should share them.
    Not long ago, I wrote to my Dancer about my sexual assault. I was trying to explain why I’m a staunch feminist, even though I have no need to step over men, I just want women to be recognised as equal, humans, deserving of respect.
    Last time I opened up about that particular inciddent was with my then boyfriend, now my ex. I took a real chance (at least I felt so) in telling The Dancer about it. And he met me with empathy and understanding.
    He once told me that he didn’t mind my telling him about my worries, because it showed trust.
    And I think he likes understanding a little bit more about me. So yes, sometimes I have to go back to very old wounds, but it is worth it because it helps him understand why some things are still too difficult for me to do.

    I’m tired, I should go to sleep. Sorry if I didn’t make sense. But yes, the relationship stuff is hard, but so totally worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Being vulnerable is not easy but I am convinced it is necessary for the level of intimacy most of us are looking for.

    Have you read or watched anything of Brene Brown? She does a lot on vulnerability. She has a few Ted talks that are really good.

    “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear, and our struggle for worthiness. But it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, and love.” – Brene Brown

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have watched several of hers… I have a meme that will probably pop up shortly πŸ˜€

      I think you’re right. For the level of intimacy I am looking for, nothing else will do but vulnerability

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Sounds like you got this. If I first met someone and they unloaded some stuff, I would probably take a step back, but if she came back and took the time to explain where she was coming from, and that she cared for me (which is the only reason I am getting an explanation) I would definitely appreciate that. I am not he, but best of luck, and if he can’t handle it, then you’re better off anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

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