Sigh


So… i’ve been struggling with the break up of me and new guy… 

I was completely unprepared for how hard it would be… How sad I would feel. Turns out, it’s sometimes gut wrenching even when you’re the one initiating the break up.

 He didn’t understand. He thought perhaps I wanted someone else…

I had been holding back a lot of my thoughts and feelings… That’s on me.

Selena talked me through it and helped me see that he needed an explanation… It turned into a letter that was full of emotion….  Hurt, and anger…

I didn’t know what his reaction would be.

Men in my past… Well most of them would have told me to fuck off… If they responded at all.

New guy did not. He acknowledged receiving it, and took time to process.  Then he came back with a very sincere apology… And acknowledgement that it’s not the right time for us to be together.

I’ll be honest, that still hurts my heart. I really thought we were going to be something.

I want to say it’s not fair… But what he’s dealing with makes me feel guilty about whining over what I want.

Anyway… at least I got some time with a good guy.

 Next… Some of you may remember a guy I liked who was more interested in someone else…?

I try not to pay attention to him on Facebook, but I’ll admit that I do stalk his page a bit 

We are Facebook friends… I’m not sure exactly why, other then I seem to be an emotional masochist.

 Anyway, today he posts that he bought a house with the girl he chose. Interestingly enough, he mentions that he is now done with Apartment life… Which is funny, because he told me he had a house with a pool.

I know that he is not the right guy for me… Clearly I know now that he is not as truthful as I want or need… So why is part of me sad?

I guess because I don’t understand why it seems so easy for everyone else.

OK… And the grand finale… if I wasn’t already down enough, I got a message from my first love today.

If you are new to following me, I have written about him multiple times… 

29 years, and I still love him. 

Turns out, he has a brain tumor. He will find out in the next few days exactly what he’s dealing with.

I sat there at work fighting the tears. 

My heart is broken.

Sometimes, it’s just too much

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28 thoughts on “Sigh

  1. Life is extremely unpredictable for sure. If it is any consolation, I know three people who were randomly diagnosed with brain tumors this year and all have had good outcomes after surgery. Technology, medicine, and human beings are stronger than ever!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh Cinn!

    I’m sorry. I know how much one can hurt even when one is the one who initiated the break up. I mean… I did it with G. Even when you know it was the right thing to do.
    I would say if you are meant to be together, time will come. Don’t overthink this. At least it showed you that it’s possible, that some men really are different from the ones we’ve been with, and that they are capable of looking at things not from an ego perspective, but from our perspective too.

    If it didn’t work out with new guy, think about it as a stepping stone to finding the perfect man later on.

    As for the other guy? Why are you still friends with him? He lied to you and chose someone else. You don’t need him.
    Last week, I think I saw the Healer standing in line at a restaurant. I’m not sure, it was just a glimpse of a man who could have been him (if he’d gained weight). I was with my father. I almost turned around to have another look, then I realised I don’t have anything to say to that man any more, my life is way too complicated already at the moment, so… I focused on my dad and we moved to a different place (he wasn’t willing to wait in line).

    And about your first love… I am sorry. I hope it turns out OK, though I know that brain tumors are very tricky. As you know, I have similar concerns for people very close to me… not brain, but cancer nonetheless. I’ll keep you in my prayers, Cinn.
    Sending love

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are right… I need to delete the friendship and move on.
      I really don’t know exactly why I was holding on.

      I think everything else… Sometimes life just feels like too much… It doesn’t help that I’m not feeling good myself at the moment.

      I just have to hold onto my hope and pray.
      I think the fact that it is in his brain is what freaked me out the most…

      But, I like someone else told me here… I do believe that modern medicine is quite capable of miracles…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t sweat it! There is no right or wrong timing. Just different lessons to be learnt, at different stages, when we’re ready for them. So… take it easy.
        And yes, modern medicine sometimes works magic. Sending love! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending love and hugs your way. I hope everything turns out fine soon. You dont have to be in a relationship if you feel like something’s not right… take your time to work things out for yourself. Breakups are always painful for those who are genuine.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sweet girl my heart aches to read this. I can relate to each situation, and to have all three on top of each other would be overwhelming. I’m wrapping you up in a big virtual hug and am around the corner if you find you need a real one, distraction, an ear or anything else. Love you bunches. 🙁💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Cinn you know my stories and that I completely understand where you are coming from. Sending you hugs. We just have to keep the faith that things will get better. I’m so sorry about your first love and his diagnosis – sending positive healing thoughts

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry for all you are going through. One of my dearest friends is living quite well with a brain tumor. She is on meds to shrink it but just ran a marathon and is raising 3 kids while her husband is deployed. Modern medicine is marvelous!

    I’m glad you wrote him a letter and were able to communicate some.
    I’m believing things are going to get better for you. Keep the faith and the sparkles.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry! Yes, even when it is your choice and you initiated it still hurts. I’ve learned that one as well.

    You’re hurting because you have to let go of the hope that you had future. That is hard – let yourself heal the hurt and deal with it however you need to.

    The guy from Facebook, sounds like you probably blacked out a bit and getting away from him since he was not telling you the truth about something’s. And if there was one who knows how many other untruths there were.

    I’m also very sorry to hear about your first love diagnosis, I’ll keep you and your grief close in my heart and send prayers to he and his family as they transition into a very difficult time.

    Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

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