Unhappy Holidays

* warning – this is an anxiety/depression purge. There are no sparkles here today.

I put up my Christmas tree a couple weeks ago. I haven’t put one up since my divorce. The reasons have varied… but this year I thought I was ready to celebrate again.

Well… first things first… it was a pre lit tree. Actually a really nice one. But last year one of the dogs chewed on it… and as it turns out, destroyed the lighting system. So… I had to cut all the pre lit lights out and start over. That was not quick or easy.

Then, I started to put my new lights on… and turns out it’s not as easy as it looks. And I ran out of lights. So I bought more. Turns out, they come in different colors and these were white and not green. Just no.

So I tried to make what I had do. And I decorated around the new lights. I bought new ornaments. Silver and royal blue sparkling and glittery.

Is it pretty? Most people would say so. My perfectionist inner voice is not satisfied.

Worse, somehow having the tree up and decorated… but still empty… well, it just slammed home to me that I am alone.

Yeah, I know I’m alone. Always aware of it. But my birthday and the holidays… they’re just the hardest.

And I’m ready for the Christmas season to be over. Because honestly, I’m not feeling it.

I’m not a Grinch. I’m just lonely. And it sucks being lonely during the time of year family and love is plastered everywhere you look.

What else????  I have an employee at work who had a meltdown with a superior at work. Of course there was a hefty helping of disrespect to me thrown in there to boot… and interestingly enough, the superior was the VERY SAME one who tried to throw me under the bus not so long ago.

But that’s not part of this story…

What happened between the two of them turned into a spillway with a third employee. It was like watching a Jerry Springer unplugged episode.

I tried to stop it, but there was no stopping it. That crazy train had left the tracks. 

Never in my life have I seen such crazy unleashed at work. Scary crazy. And in the face of crazy, the superior made a mistake. A big one that now may have some legal consequences. I don’t know. I do know I witnessed it and I wish I hadn’t.

And honestly, I’m traumatized. I hate to say that because I’m no pussy. But my nerves are completely shot. It resulted in a migraine this weekend and a near constant feeling of anxiety this weekend. I have two Xanax left and I’m holding on to them like diamonds. Yes I can get more. I really should take one and take the edge off. Not sure why I’m holding out.

Anyway…It’s probably going to result in a termination. Possibly a transfer. Those decisions will be made tomorrow and not by me.. although I’ll have some input.

Ugh.

But… on a good note… the migraine. I woke up and made a pot of coffee. Sat on the couch and my head was hurting so bad I couldn’t even make myself pour a cup and drink it. All I could think is that I was out of anything strong. I had baby aspirin and that wasn’t going to cut it.

That’s when the nausea kicked in. I spent the next few minutes hurling my guts into the toilet, and cold sweats racking my body.

And for once in my life, I reached out to a friend. I asked for help, and I’m proud of that. Yay me!! 

She told me that she’d be there within the hour.. I doused myself with peppermint oil and went back to bed.

When she came in, she brought me some sweet bread and a bottle of motrin. Plus Tylenol with codeine.

She made me a cup of coffee and we sat and talked.

Turns out, she had been in bed falling apart after receiving final divorce papers from her husband of over 20 years.

She needed me as much as I needed her.

We sat there and talked… tears running down our faces…  

My dearest friend of 15 + years and there is still so much that we have both been holding inside because we are always so goddamn strong. 

It was healing and beautiful.

And speaking of healing, I am going to start counseling again. Selina has been kind enough to hook me up with her therapist and I start next year.

I think I’ve come a long way. I’m good at being introspective and figuring things out. I’m not so good at fixing them.

Right now it hurts to breathe.  My chest aches with anxiety. My stomach is acid and all I want to do is go to bed and stay there.

But I’ll write and hang on… and I’ll paint on a smile and go about the business of living tomorrow. And I’ll pray for strength, and peace. I’ll meditate.

And I’ll hope that the next day I don’t think about how tired I am of living.

But today… today I’m tired.


 

 

 

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32 thoughts on “Unhappy Holidays

  1. Cinnamon this post is the reason I wrote my post today. I’m so happy that your friend was available to come to you. It’s what both of you needed. 👍🏼👍🏼 To getting back to counseling. And remember, not everyone is enjoying these crazy holidays. 😘

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Can probably relate. Was on a tram where some poor woman was going nuts about stuff that I could relate to completely. I was obviously in a very different emotional place than she is now about it though. Most people on the tram did not want to be there. I understood and told her so and we each had some of the same information regarding what happened and by who in the mental health system. I told her that there is little point making normal people uncomfortable about it when it is so far removed from their reality and that does not make them bad people. I felt for her. At that stage nothing anyone does can help much. I simply knew that some of her facts checked out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s nothing like buying a Christmas Tree, taking it home, setting it up in the yard, and….to vent post-divorce anger, set it on fire! Maybe it sounds a bit creepy, but no one in the neighborhood will ever question the depth of your pain again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. i’m glad your friend was able to come an be with you,yanno chrismas is way overrated,it lost its meaning decades ago an now is just pure commercialized, it is a good day to have a friend or 2 over, and have a wine sampling marthon last one standin wins ! i dunno what they win but im sure you can thinks of somethin 🙂

    its great that you are goin for therapies, sometimes having someone elses perspective can be what turns things around 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Hello Cinn,

    I can’t imagine how hard this time must be for you. I think it is amazing that you decorated a tree and have been working on healing. It is beautiful that your friend came over to visit and you were able to support each other.
    Hang in there and be kind and gentle with yourself. I am sending you big giant *hugs*.
    ❤ Alana

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Don’t worry too much Cin! Though most of the world seems like it’s going on on a happy note.. we are all broken inside. We are all lonely inside. I’m glad you had your friend. I wish I had a friend who’d help me when I’m hurt and lost in the dark! Thankyou for sharing your story! Much love and hugs! Stay positive. Merry Christmas! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think often people don’t realize we need help. My friends know I have lifelong struggle with depression… but most don’t know how to be of real help. It’s hard and it’s uncomfortable for them.

      And my friend would not have known I was in a dark place…. or me know about her… if it wasn’t for my migraine

      Liked by 1 person

  7. People are there to lean on and you will be there when they need to lean on you.
    I’m here, take some of my strength.
    And the Holidays? They are a tough time for many people. M. and I just had that conversation.

    PS. Miss Perfection — anything done with intent for sharing and joy is perfect. Please share your tree (blog or e-mail). I will love it and through that it will be perfect. My tree is the Charlie Brown scraggy tree from Urban Outfitters. It’s perfect because…it fits. XO

    PPS. Migraine = can’t think/function Back slipping = can’t think/can’t walk It’s a B**CH.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am really sorry about the anxiety, the #$%&^ at work and all the rest.
    I am sorry about you feeling alone. I can relate, though I’m lucky that it’s not for the holidays. I was contemplating being really by myself for New Year’s Eve, but in the end I’ll spend it with friends, so I’m lucky that way.
    I hope you manage to see the light in your darkness. I am trying to keep steady for the sake of my mother and children, who need me. And hoping that I won’t succomb to my kids’ illnesses, because no one needs me to be sick, they’re sort of counting on me to cook/bake the holiday meals/desserts.

    But yeah you for reaching out. I know just how hard it can be, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it!

    Sending lots of love your way.
    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand what you mean. I feel like I would benefit from working with someone to get all of this sorted in my head and do the work of unpacking the rest of my cr@p, but I do not want to dig all that out and have to go through the sifting of it.

        Liked by 2 people

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