* warning – this is an anxiety/depression purge. There are no sparkles here today.
I put up my Christmas tree a couple weeks ago. I haven’t put one up since my divorce. The reasons have varied… but this year I thought I was ready to celebrate again.
Well… first things first… it was a pre lit tree. Actually a really nice one. But last year one of the dogs chewed on it… and as it turns out, destroyed the lighting system. So… I had to cut all the pre lit lights out and start over. That was not quick or easy.
Then, I started to put my new lights on… and turns out it’s not as easy as it looks. And I ran out of lights. So I bought more. Turns out, they come in different colors and these were white and not green. Just no.
So I tried to make what I had do. And I decorated around the new lights. I bought new ornaments. Silver and royal blue sparkling and glittery.
Is it pretty? Most people would say so. My perfectionist inner voice is not satisfied.
Worse, somehow having the tree up and decorated… but still empty… well, it just slammed home to me that I am alone.
Yeah, I know I’m alone. Always aware of it. But my birthday and the holidays… they’re just the hardest.
And I’m ready for the Christmas season to be over. Because honestly, I’m not feeling it.
I’m not a Grinch. I’m just lonely. And it sucks being lonely during the time of year family and love is plastered everywhere you look.
What else???? I have an employee at work who had a meltdown with a superior at work. Of course there was a hefty helping of disrespect to me thrown in there to boot… and interestingly enough, the superior was the VERY SAME one who tried to throw me under the bus not so long ago.
But that’s not part of this story…
What happened between the two of them turned into a spillway with a third employee. It was like watching a Jerry Springer unplugged episode.
I tried to stop it, but there was no stopping it. That crazy train had left the tracks.
Never in my life have I seen such crazy unleashed at work. Scary crazy. And in the face of crazy, the superior made a mistake. A big one that now may have some legal consequences. I don’t know. I do know I witnessed it and I wish I hadn’t.
And honestly, I’m traumatized. I hate to say that because I’m no pussy. But my nerves are completely shot. It resulted in a migraine this weekend and a near constant feeling of anxiety this weekend. I have two Xanax left and I’m holding on to them like diamonds. Yes I can get more. I really should take one and take the edge off. Not sure why I’m holding out.
Anyway…It’s probably going to result in a termination. Possibly a transfer. Those decisions will be made tomorrow and not by me.. although I’ll have some input.
But… on a good note… the migraine. I woke up and made a pot of coffee. Sat on the couch and my head was hurting so bad I couldn’t even make myself pour a cup and drink it. All I could think is that I was out of anything strong. I had baby aspirin and that wasn’t going to cut it.
That’s when the nausea kicked in. I spent the next few minutes hurling my guts into the toilet, and cold sweats racking my body.
And for once in my life, I reached out to a friend. I asked for help, and I’m proud of that. Yay me!!
She told me that she’d be there within the hour.. I doused myself with peppermint oil and went back to bed.
When she came in, she brought me some sweet bread and a bottle of motrin. Plus Tylenol with codeine.
She made me a cup of coffee and we sat and talked.
Turns out, she had been in bed falling apart after receiving final divorce papers from her husband of over 20 years.
She needed me as much as I needed her.
We sat there and talked… tears running down our faces…
My dearest friend of 15 + years and there is still so much that we have both been holding inside because we are always so goddamn strong.
It was healing and beautiful.
And speaking of healing, I am going to start counseling again. Selina has been kind enough to hook me up with her therapist and I start next year.
I think I’ve come a long way. I’m good at being introspective and figuring things out. I’m not so good at fixing them.
Right now it hurts to breathe. My chest aches with anxiety. My stomach is acid and all I want to do is go to bed and stay there.
But I’ll write and hang on… and I’ll paint on a smile and go about the business of living tomorrow. And I’ll pray for strength, and peace. I’ll meditate.
And I’ll hope that the next day I don’t think about how tired I am of living.
But today… today I’m tired.