I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic household. Very strict would actually be more of an understatement, however better words fail me.
Life was a series of lessons in always putting myself last. Don’t have a different opinion. Don’t have an opinion. Don’t try to be different. Respect your elders and those in authority. Follow the rules. Mistakes have consequences. Making your parents angry results in punishment. Severe punishment.
I was raised to be a wife and mother essentially. That is what I grew up expecting my life to be. Imagine how lost I felt when I failed at the first and realized that the latter was not going to be in my cards.
Oh, I do still hope for a second chance… at both… but I’m 48 now, so I’m also realistic. Kids…. It’s not likely, and honestly I’m ok with that. The best I can probably hope for is a second chance at marriage.
I guess you could say I am a member of the BDSM community. But I am more of a TIH/DD follower ( Taken in hand, domestic discipline ) than a kink based member.
My submission to my partners comes from love and respect, and also a Christian belief that the man is the head of the home and leader in the relationship. Now don’t take me wrong- I fully support love and respectful relationships in all their many forms. I am speaking of myself here, and what God has put in my heart.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’m one of the strongest willed women you’d ever want to meet. The packaging is deceptive. 🙂
But when I am in a relationship, I do strive to be a good submissive partner. That means bending my will to theirs, even when I don’t want to. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
However, the down side of trying SO HARD to be a good submissive is that you can lose yourself entirely.
Sort of the same concept as when I found myself lost at the end of my ten year marriage, with no idea of who I really was. I had been so busy trying to be whoever and whatever I thought he wanted…. that I had lost who I actually was.
So this… this is the question I find myself struggling with more and more. Where is that line for me?
I still want a more traditional relationship than most seem to have, or even desire, these days.
But, I don’t want to stay home and be taken care of anymore. I learned in my last relationship that I didn’t actually like being completely dependent upon someone else. It made me feel weak and needy… and fearful. I didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel me.
I thought it would feel like love. But it didn’t.
And this isn’t about him. Because really, can you imagine how it felt to be on his end? Responsible for another human being’s every need?
That was MY mistake. OUR mistake. And it cost us.
So this seems like it’s been a bunch of rambling. I’m not even sure I have a point.. or if I did, if I made it…
I’ll end this by saying that…….I’m learning that sometimes the lessons we learn growing up aren’t really lessons we should have learned after all. Sometimes the good guys aren’t good guys. Sometimes the bad guys aren’t bad at all. But mostly there’s just trying to get by guys. Doing the best they can to navigate life and not hurt other people.
Same for girls. I’m not a good girl. But I’m not a bad girl. I’m a whole lot of making a ton of mistakes, and trying to learn from them girl…. I’m a girl who wishes she had made better life choices. Wishes she had respected herself more. Wishes she loved herself more. Wishes she could forgive herself. But every day, I get up and try to be better than yesterday and that’s all I can do.
I hope that if God does grant my dreams to come true, and I do find another forever relationship… I hope I can be as strong and as humble, and as submissive as so many of the women I admire in my life and here on WP.
It’s not the perfect picture. Single or married. Perfect = lie.
That’s the only thing I know for sure.