The only thing I know for sure

I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic household. Very strict would actually be more of an understatement, however better words fail me.

Life was a series of lessons in always putting myself last. Don’t have a different opinion. Don’t have an opinion. Don’t try to be different. Respect your elders and those in authority. Follow the rules. Mistakes have consequences. Making your parents angry results in punishment. Severe punishment.

I was raised to be a wife and mother essentially. That is what I grew up expecting my life to be. Imagine how lost I felt when I failed at the first and realized that the latter was not going to be in my cards.

Oh, I do still hope for a second chance… at both… but I’m 48 now, so I’m also realistic. Kids…. It’s not likely, and honestly I’m ok with that. The best I can probably hope for is a second chance at marriage.

Anyway….

I guess you could say I am a member of the BDSM community. But I am more of a TIH/DD follower ( Taken in hand, domestic discipline ) than a kink based member.

My submission to my partners comes from love and respect, and also a Christian belief that the man is the head of the home and leader in the relationship. Now don’t take me wrong- I fully support love and respectful relationships in all their many forms. I am speaking of myself here, and what God has put in my heart.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’m one of the strongest willed women you’d ever want to meet. The packaging is deceptive.  🙂

But when I am in a relationship, I do strive to be a good submissive partner. That means bending my will to theirs, even when I don’t want to. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

However, the down side of trying SO HARD to be a good submissive is that you can lose yourself entirely.

Sort of the same concept as when I found myself lost at the end of my ten year marriage, with no idea of who I really was. I had been so busy trying to be whoever and whatever I thought he wanted…. that I had lost who I actually was.

So this… this is the question I find myself struggling with more and more. Where is that line for me?

I still want a more traditional relationship than most seem to have, or even desire, these days.

But, I don’t want to stay home and be taken care of anymore. I learned in my last relationship that I didn’t actually like being completely dependent upon someone else. It made me feel weak and needy… and fearful. I didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t feel me.

I thought it would feel like love. But it didn’t.

And this isn’t about him. Because really, can you imagine how it felt to be on his end?  Responsible for another human being’s every need?

That was MY mistake. OUR mistake. And it cost us.

So this seems like it’s been a bunch of rambling. I’m not even sure I have a point.. or if I did, if I made it…

I’ll end this by saying that…….I’m learning that sometimes the lessons we learn growing up aren’t really lessons we should have learned after all. Sometimes the good guys aren’t good guys. Sometimes the bad guys aren’t bad at all. But mostly there’s just trying to get by guys. Doing the best they can to navigate life and not hurt other people.

Same for girls. I’m not a good girl. But I’m not a bad girl. I’m a whole lot of making a ton of mistakes, and trying to learn from them girl…. I’m a girl who wishes she had made better life choices. Wishes she had respected herself more. Wishes she loved herself more. Wishes she could forgive herself. But every day, I get up and try to be better than yesterday and that’s all I can do.

I hope that if God does grant my dreams to come true, and I do find another forever relationship… I hope I can be as strong and as humble, and as submissive as so many of the women I admire in my life and here on WP.

It’s not the perfect picture. Single or married. Perfect = lie.

That’s the only thing I know for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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41 thoughts on “The only thing I know for sure

    1. I don’t know. I think that is something I’m trying to figure out.
      I do wonder if this will sort itself out when I find a real partner… But I’m not sure

      Like

      1. I don’t pretend to understand the submissive woman thing but it seems to me that a lot of women into this love being submissive… except when they don’t want to be or only in certain situations. Reading what you wrote also makes me wonder which thing is more important: Someone you can love (and who loves you) and be happy with… or someone you can be submissive to and in the way you want to be? And are these two things kinda like the same thing for you? Are they supposed to be the same thing?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think it’s easier to answer your question starting from your last question… Are they supposed to be the same thing.?

        In my home growing up… Yes.

        So, I want to be loved and to love… I want to be happy.

        My parents are still together, and I do believe deeply love one another.

        So, I guess I’m trying to find my own version of what I saw modeled.

        Like

      3. Being a submissive to someone doesn’t negate the strength of character that a submissive might have. Choosing to submit ones will to another that is worthy of that trust is still a mighty struggle. I don’t want to be submissive at all times, but I knuckle down to the only man who deserves it knowing he will do his damnedest to make sure my trust isn’t misplaced. But I also don’t shirk from giving my opinion or sharing my feelings. True relationships don’t fear truth and genuine Dominants aren’t afraid of the opinions of their subs.

        Liked by 3 people

      4. That’s not what I think or fear… I’m not questioning the strength of submission…. or even what a good dominant partner is…. I am trying to figure out where MY line is. More about the sand and pebbles becoming concrete that I drown in.. and I don’t want that to happen again.

        So where do I want to place D/s in my life and where do I not?

        Where have I lost my way in the past?

        I’m trying to figure out balance.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Live your true life by living your true self. OK, I know that sounds canned, but, at least for me, it is how I am living. I am a Christian, always have been, and always will be, but don’t have the stomach for most organized religion. I am a Good Girl in my core, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to do things others would consider wicked. I am submissive to my husband, but I will also tell him when I think he is being a real asshole or argue my point if I think it is truly valid. I am strong, independent and powerful, but I also have discovered I suffer from depression and truly need help and support sometimes.
    My long winded point is, just be who you are so when you look in the mirror, you are pleased with what you see. That beautiful person staring back at you will fill your heart and in turn, open it to be accepting of an others love too.
    I wish you love, happiness and sparkles in this new year. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you. It’s women like you who make me believe I can be strong… and still find what my heart desires.
      And thank you for always keeping it real 😍

      Sparkly love back ❤️✨

      Like

  2. I appreciate the honesty in your post and also you speaking about yourself as a Christian. Good on you. It’s not often that being a submissive and being a Christian in the way you were writing are spoken about on WordPress. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, prayers and hopes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s REALLY hard for me to call myself Christian. I have stayed away from it for years, because I am so imperfect. It’s like I’m waiting for the lightning to strike, or the holier than thou police to tell me I’m wrong.
      🙂

      I’m more comfortable saying I’m a sinner in all honesty. But I believe in God, and love God…. and I’m trying. So that said, yeah… I’m a Christian. And I’m a better one than I was yesterday…. so there’s that . 🙂

      I say this only because it was a struggle for me to write. But I’m glad I did.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I appreciate your struggle in writing your post. I believe the acknowledgement that we are imperfect is important. No one is perfect. It’s our belief as a Christian that’s important. No one can say you are a better Christian or worst Christian then someone else. We all fall short of the mark where this is concerned at times. Again, I applaud your honesty about where you are pertaining to the subject.☺

        Liked by 1 person

  3. There is no perfect, but you know this. I think you are right in that you are a strong woman who wants to find a relationship that is a safe place to be vulnerable. And isn’t that what submission offers us? We get to be real with someone who is innately worthy of our trust. This is not the Cinny I grew to know 3 years ago. You have grown and done some hard searching of your heart. I think finding love will write the tale of how your relationship will unfold. Seeking for that and the person worthy of that partnership is probably the strongest path. You are worthy of all of it.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Nope, not the same Cinny! And you had a big part in my growth, even if I did want to duct tape your mouth a million times or two lol

      Thanks for always being my friend. I’m so blessed to have met you here and for reals Mommy Domme ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Sweetheart, I so admire you for speaking your truths. I think that in some ways it must be harder to have a submission based in faith and tradition because more and more that kind of life is falling out of fashion. To a lesser degree, female submission in general takes the same heat. The feminist would say “why are you disrespecting yourself?” My answer is that I’m a feminist too… and my brand of feminism says that each woman is allowed to make the choices that are right for her, regardless what society says.

    We all have to deal with folks wanting to put is in boxes and label us this or that, and limit our experience to stay within the dotted lines. To be strong and opinionated and have a deep desire to also be of service to those we love and submit to their will can be seen as a contradiction, but for a select few, it is a gift beyond compare.

    What you have to offer is authenticity. That’s a million times better than a mask that paints a pretty kinky picture, but hides half truths. The guy who will cherish you will also embrace his authenticity and have a solid core. To find someone who will embrace all parts of us, flaws, oddities, contradictions, and sparkles too, that’s the goal. The darkness creeps in when we feel hopeless about the possibility of finding what will fulfill us.

    I wish I knew a magic answer for you, for me, for all of us, but honestly, it feels like things just happen in their own time. I’m not one who adheres to a belief of a predestined plan for us, but I do think that we each have our own lessons to learn and growth that needs to take place to prepare us for what fate has in store. Happy coincidences usually happen when we’re ready for them and not one moment before.

    All that is to say that I think you’re on a really great path. You’re processing stuff and finding your own answers. That’s going to out you into a position of clarity when opportunities arise. You are amazing, girl. Good things are on the horizon. That I believe. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’ve got this. xox

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Sorry for the late response… I needed time to answer you properly 🙂
      I don’t think it’s easy for any of us. It’s not like respectful relationships are the norm these days.

      But, I have found that I am living in my truth more and more in the “vanilla” world… and based on my word choices, people understand and are often far more positive than I would have ever imagined.

      I am a strong feminist too. I’ve had some try to shame me for my lifestyle choices, but my feminine heroes didn’t pave the way so we could all think and do alike… they paved it so we have freedom of choice.
      Speaking to the choir here I know.

      Yes, I’m in a growth and process phase. All else will come in time. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Really interesting discussion, Cinn.
    I’m a Christian, and have a D/s relationship with my husband, but my submission is definitely not driven by my Christian beliefs, it’s driven by kink. I submit because I am turned on by the authority of the man I love. In short, it’s fun – for both of us! And the real reward is that the depth of understanding and respect it fosters has strengthened our relationship beyond all expectations.
    I think you will start to work these things out when you find the man you love, as you share and communicate your beliefs and motivations.

    Ash

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am turned on too by the authority. No doubt! But for me, the need and desire for this life is rooted in my childhood. The fact that I am a kinky woman, and get to have kinky experiences….that is the frosting on the cake.

      Although to be honest, I still struggle at times with feelings of guilt/shame for being so dirty. Clearly I overcome them 🙂

      I understand what you are saying about working it out with a partner… but the problem is with me. I lose myself… I don’t have good boundaries… I’m too much of a pleaser… So, that submission when it’s hard… especially when it’s hard… well, that sets me up again to lose myself…. and yet, I want a deep level of submission.
      See where I’m going with this?

      I need to start figuring some of this out myself…. before I submit fully again.

      Like

  6. I also grew up thinking that my place in this world was to be a wife and mother because that’s what my parents put in my head. when I didn’t get it I was literally trying to get a husband in every man I dealt with . You can imagine how that turned out lol I’m a Christian and I believe in being submissive . I believe that us women have no problem being submissive and not losing ourselves when the man actually respects us, builds us up, and wants the best for the both of us . I know men that complain about their woman not being submissive but they treat her like crap .. when you meet the one that’s meant for you, you guys will balance each other out. I always lose myself in relationships and after the last one I learned that I really need to have some respect and dignity for my damn self . Life is all about learning and growing . I’m almost 30 and even though my last relationship hurt me like hell I learned so much from it so I’m kind of glad it happened. As women we tend to give our all to a man that most of the time doesn’t even deserve it . We just have to be strong respectful women that know what we want , and follow our dreams . A man will come in time 🙂 have a great week !

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are totally right. Most men who bitch and complain, are not worth submitting to! It is a circle…

      And yes, I did have to learn to love and respect myself. I can certainly use more brushing up in those areas… although I am far better than I was a few years and relationships back.

      I do look at my dates as possible husbands. But I’m 48. I know what I want and I’m not interested in playing around. But I feel ya on the comment.

      Like

  7. i’ve noticed many times over the years that a disproportionate number of us are Catholic or raised Catholic, myself included. i think we get love/punishment/guilt/submission conflated a bit, or a lot. 🙂 It used to cause me internal conflict, but that was a lot of years ago.
    i think that most people who succeed at the kind of relationship you want do NOT have submissive personality types. i’m a bit of an anomaly there. i think that because people may be submissive to their partners does nothing to alter their actual personality, in general, you know? i also think it causes a lot of harm and angst to try to be something you are not. To be frank, having a submissive personality type is not all rainbows for the person who owns me.
    As long as you continue to listen to your gut, pay attention to how you are feeling, and give yourself time-everything else will work out. There is nothing to say that you couldn’t adopt, foster, or find a Master who has children who need a mother. Many hugs Cinny. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! That is actually an upcoming post formulating in my brain…. Love and punishment. This post actually started there and veered off course a bit.
      I agree… It’s rooted in Catholicism.

      And the children …. I’m tired. I don’t know that I have the energy or life for raising kids. Plus, truth be told… I’m afraid of seeds of my mother I’ve seen in myself. I think it’s best that it be an unfulfilled dream.

      Love to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s understandable to acknowledge the tiredness. Those of us struggling to be healthy are the ones who worry about the seeds our mothers planted. Catholicism is so deeply rooted that upon reading about outright cruelty exhibited by Mother Teresa, I found myself quite unable to share the information because the article also called her the B word. If even half of what I have read on her treatment of the dying is true, the word is quite apt. I still felt unable to share it.

        Liked by 1 person

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    Like

  9. This brought tears to my eyes. I am at a turning point in my life and my relationship. I have never really been a religious person, I’m spiritual, never attended church or anything. Lately though I am thinking of going. I have lost my way and need guidance that I am not getting from my partner. I am a good girl, trying to just live my life the best way I can. I can, however, be a bad girl when pushed by those around me.

    Anyway 🙂I hope you find your happiness this year

    Liked by 1 person

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