So on Valentine’s Day I looked down at my phone and noticed I had a facebook messenger request. From my ex husband.
Hi. I need to ask a favor.
Hmm. Interesting. Our divorce anniversary was 5 years on Feb 8th. I was still a little sad… but finally I’m getting to a better place with it.
Turns out, what he wanted was a copy of our marriage license and my baptismal certificate…. Because he is dating a Catholic girl, and according to her religion, he is still married. Clearly he did not explain things right to her, because actually according to the church, we were never really married to begin with.
Um, yeah… I’m Catholic. Not a practicing one. One that as he would so eloquently state in the same conversation ” hates the church“…. Which yeah, I kinda do… but anyway…
So… he continues to tell me why he wants this.
I have to make them happy. That’s why I need this. Never dated a hard core Christian, but I think it’s a lesson I need to learn… even though it probably won’t work out. I have to show I was willing to do everything. It’s hard to explain… you know I’m complicated. But I have made better strides to God because of her.
Yeah, ouch. But it’s true. I’m far more sinner than saint. She’s a better woman than me. At least that’s what my heart heard. Maybe it’s true. IDK.
The other thing my heart heard… willing to do everything. Everything. That elusive thing I never got. He didn’t do shit for me. Hurt. Anger. Check.
Damn, Why can this man still hurt me?
Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day. I’m in tears at work. Ugh.
Well… I told him I didn’t know if I had them. That was a lie. I needed to think.
Actually, that’s another lie. I needed to over think. Obsess. Which I did. All those memories of our ten years of marriage came rushing back….phone numbers in his pockets…computer messages with some woman talking about meeting left up on my computer for me to see….sabotaging everything I did to look and feel better, and then making hurtful comments about my appearance… Cheating on me constantly… leaving me alone… never kissing me. touching me. having sex with me… spending all of my/our money…being a bottomless pit of want… not going to family functions, much less counseling or church… etc etc etc
I didn’t sleep well. I dreamed of myself in a corner, knees to chest… crying. The room was dark. I don’t think it was a particular scene… but it was how I felt when I was married. I can remember wanting to die. Praying to die, because I couldn’t do it to myself.
So, I knew that this had to be a learning experience. All of life is right? What was the lesson I was supposed to be learning here?
I had to look at why I was upset. I didn’t want him. He had tried to come back to me twice… I had the opportunity and I didn’t take it.
But I realized that part of me always hoped he’d grow up and CHANGE. really change. Be the man that I needed. Part of me still held on to the fairy tale. One day he’d come back and be DIFFERENT.
I didn’t think that he would grow and change and then someone else would benefit from that…. only his words still rang in my head “ it probably won’t work out anyway” and ” I have to show I was willing to do everything”
Yeah, not exactly what I’d want a man in love with me to say.
But really that doesn’t matter.
What DOES matter I realized is that God is a part of this path of his. I could make it hard/harder for him, but to what end? Hollow satisfaction of being able to stick it to him somehow?
Let go and let God.
When they go low, we go high… Yeah politics. But I love that quote. That’s who I want to be.
I don’t have our marriage license. I actually threw that in a dumpster… although I did not share that detail with him. I just told him how to go about getting a copy of it.
I gave him a copy of my baptismal certificate. I told him to be happy, and that in return I would like copies of anything that might pertain to me…. in case I ever wish to return to/ marry in the church. That’s highly unlikely, but I’ve learned to never say never.
He agreed to that.
It’s not him I’m releasing… it’s that sad, hurt girl. The dream… the lesson? I could stay stuck in that pain or I could fully let him go. I could accept that it was never going to happen. And that I was still ok.
Actually better than ok. Better than I’ve ever been. I’m not whole yet, but I’m getting there.
I always liked this quote…. Yeah, I still hope for a man. A good man, but I believe less and less in fairy tales these days. What I do believe in… is me.