And release

So on Valentine’s Day I looked down at my phone and noticed I had a facebook messenger request. From my ex husband.

Hi. I need to ask a favor.

Hmm. Interesting. Our divorce anniversary was 5 years on Feb 8th. I was still a little sad… but finally I’m getting to a better place with it.

Turns out, what he wanted was a copy of our marriage license and my baptismal certificate…. Because he is dating a Catholic girl, and according to her religion, he is still married. Clearly he did not explain things right to her, because actually according to the church, we were never really married to begin with.

Um, yeah… I’m Catholic. Not a practicing one. One that as he would so eloquently state in the same conversation ” hates the church“…. Which yeah, I kinda do… but anyway…

So… he continues to tell me why he wants this.

I have to make them happy. That’s why I need this. Never dated a hard core Christian, but I think it’s a lesson I need to learn… even though it probably won’t work out. I have to show I was willing to do everything. It’s hard to explain… you know I’m complicated. But I have made better strides to God because of her.

Yeah, ouch. But it’s true. I’m far more sinner than saint. She’s a better woman than me. At least that’s what my heart heard. Maybe it’s true. IDK.

The other thing my heart heard… willing to do everything. Everything. That elusive thing I never got. He didn’t do shit for me. Hurt. Anger. Check.

Damn, Why can this man still hurt me?

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day. I’m in tears at work. Ugh.

Well… I told him I didn’t know if I had them. That was a lie. I needed to think.

Actually, that’s another lie. I needed to over think. Obsess. Which I did. All those memories of our ten years of marriage came rushing back….phone numbers in his pockets…computer messages with some woman talking about meeting left up on my computer for me to see….sabotaging everything I did to look and feel better, and then making hurtful comments about my appearance… Cheating on me constantly… leaving me alone… never kissing me. touching me. having sex with me… spending all of my/our money…being a bottomless pit of want… not going to family functions, much less counseling or church… etc etc etc

I didn’t sleep well. I dreamed of myself in a corner, knees to chest… crying. The room was dark. I don’t think it was a particular scene… but it was how I felt when I was married. I can remember wanting to die. Praying to die, because I couldn’t do it to myself.

So, I knew that this had to be a learning experience. All of life is right? What was the lesson I was supposed to be learning here?

I had to look at why I was upset. I didn’t want him. He had tried to come back to me twice… I had the opportunity and I didn’t take it.

But I realized that part of me always hoped he’d grow up and CHANGE. really change. Be the man that I needed. Part of me still held on to the fairy tale. One day he’d come back and be DIFFERENT.

I didn’t think that he would grow and change and then someone else would benefit from that…. only his words still rang in my head “ it probably won’t work out anyway” and ” I have to show I was willing to do everything

Yeah, not exactly what I’d want a man in love with me to say.

But really that doesn’t matter.

What DOES matter I realized is that God is a part of this path of his. I could make it hard/harder for him, but to what end? Hollow satisfaction of being able to stick it to him somehow?

Let go and let God.

When they go low, we go high… Yeah politics. But I love that quote. That’s who I want to be.

I don’t have our marriage license. I actually threw that in a dumpster… although I did not share that detail with him. I just told him how to go about getting a copy of it.

I gave him a copy of my baptismal certificate. I told him to be happy, and that in return I would like copies of anything that might pertain to me…. in case I ever wish to return to/ marry in the church. That’s highly unlikely, but I’ve learned to never say never.

He agreed to that.

And release….

It’s not him I’m releasing… it’s that sad, hurt girl. The dream… the lesson? I could stay stuck in that pain or I could fully let him go. I could accept that it was never going to happen. And that I was still ok.

Actually better than ok. Better than I’ve ever been. I’m not whole yet, but I’m getting there.

I always liked this quote…. Yeah, I still hope for a man. A good man, but I believe less and less in fairy tales these days. What I do believe in… is me.

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27 thoughts on “And release

    1. Thank you. I think maybe it is the loss of our dreams, more than the loss of these men?

      Either way, thank you. I have to believe there are better things ahead for both of us

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  1. Hugs to you. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in, but you did the right thing. Let it go. Clearly he has not changed. In his mind it seems the relationship is doomed already. Move on. I can assure you that you can and deserve to have everything from a man. Accept nothing less. You are beautiful inside and out and you will find that person deserving of your love.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey there! Not long ago, I had a very similar discussion with my Mom. Telling her that she needs to finally grieve her marriage (they separated 19 years ago!). And asking her what it is that she has trouble grieving: her husband (I know she feared him and was desparately unhappy with him), her marriage (in how it was, with that man), or the idea of the perfect marriage she’d always held in her mind…
    I believe it is often a combination of these three things we need to grieve. Him asking you that question hurts, because it brings back old memories, but it also shows you that it’s not the man you miss. Maybe more the idea of the perfect marriage you thought you’d entered when you married him.
    hugs to you.
    XO

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The thing I have a problem with is why does he need your baptismal certificate? And marriage licenses are public info, so why does he need to ask you for that? I’d think the divorce decree would be more relevant…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Baptismal certificate verifies I am Catholic, the other verifies marriage as well as if it was Catholic sanctioned or performed ( it wasn’t)

      Both are necessary for him to convert and for them to move towards marriage within the church

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Cinn I was in this same position. My ex and I are Catholic (not practicing for me) we didn’t marry in church but he sent me a copy of the disposition from the church that freed us to marry again without having to go through the annulment process. It stung when I received it years ago, even though I had moved on from him and become friends. He eventually married the woman he cheated on me with – ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I figure maybe that’s the good thing to come of this.. he said he’d send me that, and I guess it’s freedom for both of us.

      I don’t know that we can be friends.

      And wow… I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t even imagine.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It was healing I think. Forced me to see I wasn’t as totally over him/it… as I thought I was… and then in letting go I think I really opened up to peace

      And you’re right. He doesn’t deserve me. I don’t think he ever did.

      Thank you 😍

      Like

      1. I think the healing is a much longer road and steeper curve than we ever realize. It just seems like people “move on” and “get over it” – but I don’t and I don’t think you do either.

        It – the pain – also has a way of jumping up and biting when I least expect it.

        I am certain he never deserved you or he wouldn’t have treated you the way he did and he certainly would never have let you go!!

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  5. Even after 25 years, my ex can wound me as if he were still heaping his hateful words on during our marriage. There is something to be said for those of us that believe in commitment. It’s like that tie is only frayed and never completely severed. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Love,
    Two things: Like you mentioned — M. always says that people have expectations in a relationship and desires. You may have sought a certain “scenario” and never achieved it and the contact reminds you of what you were looking for in the beginning. If you take a look, now, you will probably see that your desires have changed and he wouldn’t fit anyways.

    2nd — contact on Valentine’s Day? What an asshole. Clueless — you are well rid of the idiot. What a timestealer….
    XO

    Liked by 1 person

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