I was thinking back to when I stopped writing… and I realized it was after my last relationship ended.
I was, and remain, proud of myself for walking away from something that didn’t serve me. That alone was a change.
This change sparked something else in me… I decided that I needed to take time for myself. I was going to step back from dating. Focus on what makes me happy, and healthy… Focus on being a better person and friend….
How much time? Lots of time. I debated six months…a year…. settled on waiting until my birthday in November…. For whatever reason, that feels right to me.
I don’t think one truly moves forward until they have settled the past. So that’s where I started. I looked at all of my relationships… what worked, what didn’t…
For the past few years I have been in several relationships…. many/most/all ? of which had a D/s and BDSM basis. I thought this was what I wanted. But, the fact of the matter is that none of these relationships were healthy for me.
Another fact… I was not healthy.
Wanting someone to be my “Daddy”… to take care of me…. it ended up being a slippery slope into a river of quicksand that was drowning me. The more of my power I gave away… the more lost I felt. There’s a definite healthy/unhealthy zone there but I had no idea where it was. Hell, I had no idea who I was anymore. Not really.
Cart…. .horse…. ? I’m not sure. What I am sure of, is that the combination was really, really bad.
So, when was I truly happy? What did that look like?
I am a submissive female in my relationships. That seems to be how I am wired. But I haven’t found my happiness searching specifically for these types of relationships. It has dawned on me that I was happiest when these relationships developed organically… where things didn’t have labels… They weren’t about lifestyle. They were just us. Being us.
I honestly don’t know that I believe in “kinky or lifestyle” dating anymore. I think the more clear minded I become, the more I believe that these dynamics really only function well, or fully, in committed relationships… aka live in, or married. When the “vanilla” and firm foundation has already been laid. In some of these contexts, I see some truly beautiful relationship dynamics and growth. In some of these, I see bits of myself…. or what I want for myself rather.
I’m not foolish enough to say that’s true for everyone. I can think of at least one outlier here… but, I am going to say that I think it’s true for most. Just my opinion.
I think for too many singles, it is putting the intimacy before the relationship. I know it was for me. Each time it didn’t work, I felt more and more despair. Lost. Broken.
And the submission part of it… It wasn’t something that was happening naturally, like with my first, or even second, love. It was something I was consciously choosing to do… I think hoping to recreate what I once had. But it doesn’t work that way. Especially when you try to force it. Nope. Just doesn’t.
Now, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m having one with myself. Probably for the first time in my life. I’ve stopped being so afraid of life. Afraid of people. I spend time with girlfriends now. I talk on the phone. I do things that are out of my comfort zone.
What else… I have become very successful in my company. I’m in a great place financially. Better than I have ever dared to dream for myself… By myself.
Today I found out that a group of providers will donate a day of care to military veterans …. After two years of trying to get this done…. I am beyond grateful, happy and proud…. I have a few months to do the prep work now and make this a success…. but what a blessing to be able to be a part of something for such a special group.
So… yeah, my life is full right now.
I almost forgot… I joined weight watchers and I’m down 15 pounds after four weeks. I have a lot more to go ( about 75 ideally ) but I’m feeling good about where I’m at. I’m learning balance and better eating habits. Real food… I’ve even started cooking again.
So… right now, life is about being healthy and happy. It’s about living again. It’s about me liking and being proud of who I am.
I’m not sure how much I am going to write anymore. I’m not sure if I want to. I’m not sure what I’d have to say or contribute.
I do know I have a lot of love for so many of you. Thank you for so much more than I can say.