Lost and found

I was thinking back to when I stopped writing… and I realized it was after my last relationship ended.

I was, and remain, proud of myself for walking away from something that didn’t serve me. That alone was a change.

This change sparked something else in me…  I decided that I needed to take time for myself. I was going to step back from dating. Focus on what makes me happy, and healthy… Focus on being a better person and friend….

How much time? Lots of time. I debated six months…a year…. settled on waiting until my birthday in November…. For whatever reason, that feels right to me.

I don’t think one truly moves forward until they have settled the past. So that’s where I started. I looked at all of my relationships… what worked, what didn’t…

For the past few years I have been in several relationships…. many/most/all ? of which had a D/s and BDSM basis. I thought this was what I wanted. But, the fact of the matter is that none of these relationships were healthy for me.

Another fact… I was not healthy.

Wanting someone to be my “Daddy”… to take care of me…. it ended up being a slippery slope into a river of quicksand that was drowning me. The more of my power I gave away… the more lost I felt. There’s a definite healthy/unhealthy zone there but I had no idea where it was. Hell, I had no idea who I was anymore. Not really.

Cart…. .horse…. ? I’m not sure. What I am sure of, is that the combination was really, really bad.

So, when was I truly happy? What did that look like?

I am a submissive female in my relationships. That seems to be how I am wired. But I haven’t found my happiness searching specifically for these types of relationships. It has dawned on me that I was happiest when these relationships developed organically… where things didn’t have labels… They weren’t about lifestyle. They were just us. Being us.

I honestly don’t know that I believe in “kinky or lifestyle” dating anymore. I think the more clear minded I become, the more I believe that these dynamics really only function well, or fully,  in committed relationships… aka live in, or married. When the “vanilla” and firm foundation has already been laid. In some of these contexts, I see some truly beautiful relationship dynamics and growth. In some of these, I see bits of myself…. or what I want for myself rather.

I’m not foolish enough to say that’s true for everyone. I can think of at least one outlier here… but, I am going to say that I think it’s true for most. Just my opinion.

I think for too many singles, it is putting the intimacy before the relationship. I know it was for me. Each time it didn’t work, I felt more and more despair. Lost. Broken.

And the submission part of it…  It wasn’t something that was happening naturally, like with my first, or even second, love. It was something I was consciously choosing to do… I think hoping to recreate what I once had. But it doesn’t work that way. Especially when you try to force it. Nope. Just doesn’t.

Now, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m having one with myself. Probably for the first time in my life. I’ve stopped being so afraid of life. Afraid of people. I spend time with girlfriends now. I talk on the phone. I do things that are out of my comfort zone.

What else… I have become very successful in my company. I’m in a great place financially. Better than I have ever dared to dream for myself… By myself.

Today I found out that a group of providers will donate a day of care to military veterans …. After two years of trying to get this done…. I am beyond grateful, happy and proud…. I have a few months to do the prep work now and make this a success…. but what a blessing to be able to be a part of something for such a special group.

So… yeah, my life is full right now.

I almost forgot… I joined weight watchers and I’m down 15 pounds after four weeks. I have a lot more to go ( about 75 ideally ) but I’m feeling good about where I’m at. I’m learning balance and better eating habits. Real food… I’ve even started cooking again.

So… right now, life is about being healthy and happy. It’s about living again. It’s about me liking and being proud of who I am.

I’m not sure how much I am going to write anymore. I’m not sure if I want to. I’m not sure what I’d have to say or contribute.

I do know I have a lot of love for so many of you. Thank you for so much more than I can say.

Cinn

 

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23 thoughts on “Lost and found

  1. What you’d have to contribute with continued writing is how you’re doing, how your perception of things have changed and, believe it or not, educating those women who are submissive and looking for a “daddy” because while it sounds nice, it can be more of a detriment than a benefit.

    That and any woman making such a decision for herself would be better off making an informed decision instead of taking this for granted or being schooled by someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing and, importantly, how it can all go very wrong and, yeah, how a good woman can wind up losing herself.

    Not to mention that writing can be great therapy, giving you a chance to, say, vent without taking it out on someone else but not doing the worst thing by keeping it all inside. Or to share successes with a group of people – your followers – who get you and want the best for you.

    Your choice… but I’d never stop writing.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I’m really happy to read this. Keep writing or don’t. So what feels right for you. But don’t stop because you feel you don’t have anything to share. I love your memes too.
    Believe it or not, it helps me to read them (and/or your words) because it helps me think on what *I* want/need.
    Most importantly, you have only one life, and it’s yours to live. As YOU wish.
    Sending you love!
    ❀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think there is so much self-wisdom here. You can only serve one person anyways: Namely yourself and it it’s hard to give yourself to another person unless you are whole. I liked reading this, because I can relate to a lot of it.

    Also, I love all the sparkle you share! πŸ˜€ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think we’re all lost for a time in our lives. Sometimes we are lucky and find it sooner, others aren’t so much. I know I really wasn’t even though it kept hitting me in the face. Like you it just finally come to a head and you gotta deal with it. In doing so you and anyone else becomes a much happier person.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You could have easily been talking about friendships too. I love you. I’m proud of your accomplishments. I can see such amazing change in your heart and outlook, I hope you continue to share it with others who are stumbling down this path. You really are a Phoenix, rising from the ashes. Love you. Xxxxooooo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. This is a remarkable piece of writing, so insightful, and so clearly expressed.
    I am so happy to hear of your accomplishments, you have every right to be proud and walk into your future with strength and confidence.

    Personally, I hope you do continue to write, I believe you do have a lot to share.

    Much love,
    Ash

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I find that the writing is for me — it helps me process, helps me think, helps me vent. Your journey is your own. Exploring different aspects of your sexuality is part of it. No labels. Just people. How’s that?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Cinn, so happy to hear of these great changes that you consciously brought about in your life. You don’t need to have earth shattering news, just keep writing about whatever, good or bad…glad to share in your happiness or struggles. Take care of yourself. ..F4YL

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You are so wise Cinn and I learn so much from you. I have to say that I agree with your observations. Just know that you are loved unconditionally

    Liked by 2 people

  10. congrats on the weight loss that is just so awesome πŸ™‚ I hope you decide to keep writing, good or bad, about anything from acorns to zebras.
    I have learned so much from you and always learn everytime I read, even your Memes or inspirational quotes, they give me something to think about, you have to do what is best for you, but, you will be missed, best of luck on whatever you decide to do.

    lesli xo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’ve only read a couple of your posts and love them. I felt a little sad when at the end you said you don’t know how much more often you will be writing, you have an amazing voice and it’s inspiring as an exploring sub trying to present her vision of it through writing. Good luck with where ever you go!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ! And welcome πŸ˜€

      The itch to write is already stirring, although I don’t know that submission will be a big part of it. IDK
      But we’ll see where life takes me πŸ˜€β€οΈ

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Wow! I have missed out while in my hole. You are amazing. So glad you are taking time to be you and recreate. Also glad I have you as a friend. Love you Cinn!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Coming in late, Cinn. Labels, no labels — you are finding what works for you. Me, I make a definite shift and appreciate that shift/change compared to my daily life. The label tells me (and M.) where I am mentally. But, its only a part of me. Allow your different parts to breathe and make you a whole. I do know (as do you) that popping a surprise in a relationship after a long time can be a failure, so it might be wise to keep in mind if there are things you like or desire, to mention them (lightly) in your organic growth process.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right about that. Very valid point my friend

      I think I just need to continue getting my heart and mind straight… And then figure it out from there πŸ˜€β€οΈβœ¨

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I was curious if you ever thought of changing the layout of your website? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

    Like

  15. With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright violation? My website has a lot of unique content I’ve either authored myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my authorization. Do you know any solutions to help reduce content from being ripped off? I’d certainly appreciate it.

    Like

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