Time

I often think about writing, but never sit down to actually do it. Life moves along, even when you’re taking a time out.

Taking myself out of dating has been one of the best decisions I ever made. I’ve used the time to work on myself… my weight.. my self esteem.

I’m down 30 pounds… it took five months. Hard to believe it’s been that long. It’s a daily struggle. 

Now I have another 60 to go. 

Also hard to believe I let myself get to this point.

I look the best I’ve looked in many years. But more importantly, I feel the best I’ve felt in even more…. My depression and anxiety both seem to be easing as my diet improves, and the weight comes off.

That’s not to say that they are entirely gone. No…not entirely.

Today is one of those not entirely days. Being single, especially at 48, is tough. Being alone when all, or most of your friends, have families of their own that they are occupied with…. it’s tough.

This weekend everyone was too busy for me. That’s not fair but it is how I feel. Knowing it’s not rational does little to ease the wound. 

I have fun plans next weekend… but that doesn’t matter to my dark thoughts today.

Those thoughts say I’ll always be alone… die alone. Nobody cares. Maybe I should…

But I’m stronger than those thoughts. I know they’re lies.. even when I’m terrified that they’re based in truth…

My usual band aide to being so lonely is to look for someone to date. Someone to make me feel wanted. Feel good. 

But I promised myself I wouldn’t do it until I felt good about myself… I thought maybe my birthday  ( November ) and then I thought January.

My sweet friend the Fairy Queen told me that I had said July at one point….

So then I wonder… am I hiding away from the world now? 

Has it become safer than risking rejection? 

Hmmm. Ok , let’s see what’s out there?

 I downloaded a dating app… Senior people meet. 

Just to see…. presumably. 

Looked like some quality men there… but the first thing I thought was of myself not being good enough for them…

Too fat. Not attractive enough 

That’s not good. I’m not ready.

I’m starting to wonder if I ever will be.

In the meantime, I’m just waiting for today’s fog to clear 

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31 thoughts on “Time

  1. senior people meet – giggles Who said “I know we’ll make an APP for Seniors.” lol
    Congrats on the weight loss and good eating. 🙂
    The loneliness hit home for me and it isn’t really rational. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh, dearest Cinn!
    I think you are very wise. Work on you, on loving you, before you can let anyone love you too.
    If you don’t love yourself, how can you know that they love you and are not taking advantage of your desire not to be lonely?
    There is one person you’ll spend the longest time with on this Earth, and it’s YOU.
    Might as well learn to love that person!

    Congratulations on the weight loss. I know how hard it can be to lose when you don’t think yourself deserving. It’s tough, when you’re in the midst of depression, to think you’re worth the effort.
    So well done you! You’re doing great!
    And don’t worry about hiding behind a deadline. You will start dating again when you feel good enough about yourself to have accepted that you are worthy. You should never go on a date thinking “He seems interested in me, I should feel lucky”.
    Remember: as long as you’re not able to think “He should feel lucky to have me”… you may not quite be ready yet!

    I am so proud of all the journey you’ve undertaken and travelled already. You’re doing great Cinn.
    And as Toraprincess pointed out: 48 is NOT senior.
    And certainly not incompatible with being a little, you are living proof of it if anyone needed proof (I know it is difficult to accept, but you being you is proof enough that it’s possible, even if no one else were a 48 years old little, which is not the case)

    YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. AT YOUR AGE, BEING A LITTLE, A SUBMISSIVE, A SMART, CAPABLE WORKER, A CARING AND LOVING PERSON, A STILL A BIT MESSED UP VET, RECOVERING FROM DOMESTIC ABUSE.
    YOU ARE PERFECT BECAUSE YOU’RE YOU!

    ❤️💛💚💙💜💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Dawn. You’re totally right… I’m trying to get away from feeling like I’m lucky to have them… their attention…
      I can’t see a day I think anyone is lucky to have me… but I hope … 😀❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. Anyone would be lucky to have you! And that’s what you need to keep focusing on.
        Also, as a side note… some men like their women plump… and that’s fine too! (I know what I’m talking about!)
        I thought of you earlier. I may just post something for you…
        ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. We look pretty amazing for our late 40s, my friend. It sucks when all the posse is all dark in a deep hole at the same time. We need to schedule this better. Love you, Chica. We will hold hands through this. You are tired and had to work all last weekend which amplifies the suckiness of alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are worthy enough, they have to be worthy of you, always remember that. Congrats on your weight loss and working on yourself – that is the most important. And I agree with the comments above – 48 is not a senior age 🙂

    Stay strong my friend – you are a warrior

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know I love you Cinn! So proud of you! YOU are an amazing YOU! I am so blessed being able to walk ours journey with you. Thank you so much for being the sparkling person you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Congrats on your weight loss, and you will reach your goals, you are incredibly strong and can do anything you set your mind to.

    Senior? 48 is NOT senior… jeez you haven’t even hit your stride yet and you think you are a senior!! you are still very young 🙂

    and my sweet friend.. do not ever ever settle, you are good enough, more than good enough, it is everyone else that had better be good enough to earn your love.

    follow your friend’s suggestions in the comments to help beat those negative thoughts, xo
    Remember you deserve nothing less than the best, and you will find them, or they will find you when you least expect it xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Always good to hear from you.

      In rational moments I know this.. but in those moments that pain takes over it’s hard to believe in your self and worth.

      The fog is starting to lift again though.
      Thanks to people like you ❤️✨

      Liked by 1 person

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