So, I find that when it comes to dating, my thoughts are typical of everything else in my life…. I feel and think from both ends of the spectrum. On one hand, I often say and think that I am happy not dating…. that I need to work on my own shit before I look for anyone else. And I have made progress there this year. Big progress. Still have a ways to go… but I do realize that this is a never ending project I’m talking about…. being the best me I can be.
So there’s that…
And then…. there is the me that wants a loving and committed relationship. The me that longs for companionship. The me that aches to be kissed, and touched, and… yeah there is THAT.
So I mentioned before doing meditations for being open to love… finding my soul mate… and I do believe that they can and will manifest by first changing my mind… yes, it all starts there.
So, there’s the push and pull… and usually I am having this dialogue in my head on any given day.
And then the other day I called an Uber for a ride to my work Christmas party. I don’t like to drive anyway…. especially in the dark… and I wanted to be able to relax and have a drink or two.
As soon as I opened the door, and struggled a bit getting into his SUV, he reached back to help me… and I could feel that he was attracted to me. A few minutes later he blurted out something about how attractive I am. It was something awkward like I would say or do… I have very little game. Ok my friends are gonna say I have none… but I’m a little better, so I’m gonna give myself a D+
Anyway….. we talked the entire trip and it was really enjoyable. When we reached the destination, he gave me his card and told me to call him if I wanted a ride home.
Which I did…. and on the ride home we talked more… and I remember thinking that I hadn’t been that open or vulnerable on any dates I’d had in the past few years. So I was proud of that… and still am… it shows that I am learning to let down my armour a bit.
Anyway, when we got to my home he fumbled around a bit and then told me that he wasn’t going to charge me for the ride. Enter lack of game… I said thank you a few times…. waited for him to open some other kind of door… didn’t happen…. and then I said I’d call him the next time I needed a ride. He said ok
And then the next day I kept thinking about him. Debating if I should contact him… ask him out… Maybe he didn’t because he didn’t want to jeopardize his driver status? Maybe I shouldn’t because it could jeopardize my ability to be a rider?
And what to say?
So that day went by… and the next day I sent a message that my friends helped me write.
And the responded with “Hey beautiful” and some other upbeat message. And we chatted for a day.
And the next day it felt fizzled…. and I figured that’s that.
Yesterday he texted again and we chatted about nothing really…. walking dead…, and then he told me that he was coming over to where I live. My heart stopped. Not in a good way.
I don’t like people in my home unless I am completely comfortable with them…. and men…that’s kind of a hard pass for me at this time. I don’t trust them and I don’t trust me.
I’m a highly physical and sexual being. But I want real… and lasting… so that can’t be. You know when you’re growing up and your parents say that boys aren’t allowed in your bedroom? ( Growing up in my house anyway… ) Well, I look at my place as that line that can’t be crossed. At least not without some established relationship/boundaries etc.
I responded by saying that he was joking. He assured me that he was not. I felt sick.
Even a person with limited normal… knows you don’t show up at a stranger’s door.
I wondered if I had opened myself up to someone who was a danger. He didn’t feel like danger. My intuition is excellent. So, it’s not danger… it’s creepy. It’s inappropriate.
Ultimately he told me that he was using the community dumpster because he lives in a nearby neighborhood and had pick up only once a week…. Truth? Probably a grain of truth… a “good” excuse.
And then commented that I wasn’t going to even invite him over. Yeah… nope. We are basically strangers.
That seemed to offend him.
I was done already but now I’m really done.
So, while it was lovely being flirted with…. and I guess I’m proud of myself for taking a chance…. I’m back to the same place.
Single, awkward. Somewhat fabulous. Lonely. But not desperate.
Maybe just desperate enough to ask Santa for a boyfriend this Christmas. I’ve even been watching these disgustingly sweet Christmas movies…. You know, under the thought that your mind, your thoughts, your life are extensions of what you put into your brain.. so serve me up a helping of cheesy romantic love that falls into your lap and turns into happily ever after. The story where the awkward but endearing girl wins out over the ever so perfect….
And yes readers… I know I write in a completely scattered way. I write as my brain rambles along. Welcome to my world. 🙂