A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

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11 thoughts on “A quick look back and a crush

  1. So… not much of a flirt, huh? So how do you let someone know that you might be interested in them – but without giving away the farm by being direct? In my experiences, women either play hard to get, feigning disinterest and in that “men are a dime a dozen” kind of way to “thinking like a man” (thanks, Steve Harvey – way to confuse things even more, brotha!) and just putting it out there that they’re interested – now prove to me that you’re as interesting as I think you may be. Some women won’t flirt because they don’t want to appear to be promiscuous (or needy, to be blunt) and some won’t because they feel it’s the man’s job to show interest and putting the burden of proof on him while not giving him any useful feedback so he can estimate whether he’s being successful or not.

    Next “silly” question: How does one determine if they’re ready for love or not? I remember two conversations with my parents about love, like as in how will I know that I’m in love? They both said, “You’ll know it.” and leaving me with the impression that while being in love is a good thing, you can never really know when it’s gonna show up or in what form it will and as such, at least in my thoughts, one is never really ready to be in love and, importantly, as hard as we try to set certain conditions for being in love, it winds up being more hit and miss since whatever conditions we set don’t always get met.

    We all can’t even agree on what it means to be in love, can’t agree on what it’s supposed to look like, what it feels like and, I have to say naively, that love is never supposed to hurt us. In fact, love doesn’t cause emotional pain; it’s when our preconceived notions of what love is supposed to mean and the inability for those notions to be met with exacting precision that love can be an emotional disaster and our – I guess – inherent inability to determine what we are willing to do for the sake of love.

    In most cases, we think of this in terms of what we’re not going to do and based on the many times we’ve thought we’ve found the love we’re looking for and, nope, that wasn’t it. Women suffer failures in this – and, by the way, we all do and more failures than we care to admit to – and, predictably, become celibate while setting even more hard to meet conditions for which love and affection can only happen and, more often than not, the love they’re looking for and need eludes them because being careful to avoid the slings and arrows of more failures tends to, in my opinion, make women paranoid and in a very detrimental way.

    I’d never say that a measure of caution isn’t warranted because despite my being a man, well, I know we can be total assholes and more so when our “goals” tend to be in direct opposition to a woman’s goals or, as I read somewhere and have taken to heart, women look for a relationship and find sex while men look for sex and find a relationship – and this can (and I think, does) include that search for that soul-satisfying love we crave. Because we tend to approach these things by putting the cart before the horse, it makes us reactive instead of, perhaps, being more proactive in our quest and thanks to that great list of things we’re not gonna do that’s based on all the times we’ve failed to find that special love that we’ve been looking for. Such things makes us look at things closely and, often, to the point where we begin to see things that, in truth, may not really be there or, plainly, we look for every nitpicking reason not to let love do its thing. We learn not to trust and that includes not trusting ourselves, let alone the other person and everything the other person may do make them suspect… and even before they actually do anything “wrong” to make them suspect.

    And don’t we make the “new” guy or gal pay for the crimes the people in our past committed? And while not taking any responsibility for the crimes we may have committed as well? Do we not assume that every person we meet is guilty and made to prove their innocence… while rejecting any such proof of innocence in favor of believing that one is always being deceived or otherwise being taken advantage of?

    Yeah, we do… yet, even though we know we behave like this, we rarely, if ever, find reason to change the way we approach these things, do we?

    It is said that you cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs – and it seems to me that this is exactly what many women try to do… and it’s impossible; the real “trick” to this is to do one’s best not to mess up the whole dozen of eggs while trying to make that omelet while understanding – and accepting – that, yeah, you’re gonna go through a few eggs before you get it right… and a few more because no one gets it perfectly right every single time.

    The hardest thing about love isn’t finding it – it’s maintaining it and keeping it alive; it’s being proactive rather than being reactive; it’s being bold and adventurous despite the “inherent” risks because if you risk nothing, you gain nothing. One must be able to trust in their capacity to love as well as their ability to be loved.

    It’s not that you or anyone else “isn’t ready” to be in love – it’s really a matter of not being willing to do whatever is necessary to let love in and try to work its magic. We learn that love, in and of itself, is “perfect…” but people aren’t. As a man, I have tried through the entirety of my life to prove to women that I love them and have found that it’s impossible to prove something that’s so intangible as love tends to be; how does one prove what amounts to be a feeling and one that tend to defy both words and action? I’ve also done my level best to prove that I’m worthy of a woman’s love and affection… but because of how most women approach love, sex, and relationships, that’s proven to be just as difficult as proving that I do, in fact, love you.

    When you write about such things, you get my undivided attention and more so when it seems to me that you know what you have to do in order to get that which you want and need… but keep finding reasons not to and you’re teaching me things about women that, sadly, most men get tired trying to figure out and mostly because the way women go about this just defies logic. So I keep reading to see if you’ll see the logic of what you’re doing and whether or not you’re gonna stop being your own worse enemy – and not making every guy you may come across an enemy before he absolutely, positively and without any doubts at all that he is, in fact, the enemy.

    Yes: A man has to prove himself worthy to receive your love and affection… but don’t you have to prove yourself worthy of giving it as well as receiving it and even if it’s not in the form you think it should be? I think you do. And I think you know it, too. I tell you without any bullshit at all that if you keep building walls around yourself to prevent things getting through to you, love will never find its way into your heart or life.

    Break some eggs, Cinn. Ya still can’t make an omelet without breaking some and if you need that omelet to feed yourself – and in any way that might mean – you’re going to starve. And, my dear, no one is ever going to love you when you’re unwilling to be loved and because you believe you’re not ready… because no one really is. Love, as we tend to understand it, has to be pursued and it’s been proven that despite what women – in particular and in general – tend to think, love isn’t just going to fall out of the sky for them; we’ve learned, time and time again, if we do nothing, we get nothing in return.

    Which leaves this question: How badly do you want it… and what are you willing to do and risk to get it? Love has no limits or boundaries… but people do. And if you read this and say to yourself, “I know, but…,” you have discovered why love evades you and now it’s a matter of what, if anything, you’re willing to do to not keep missing the boat you really want to be on. All of that emotional and, yes, physical satisfaction we need gets waylaid not because of what we do…

    We miss the boat because of all the things we’re not going to do. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Can you love and be loved? Let’s see if you can figure out if you can…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. OK. I’m having to respond on my phone… So I may have to do this in sections! But here goes!

    How do I show interest without being completely direct?
    Well in this case, I guess I would say that looks like me being extremely helpful… It looks like texting when I probably wouldn’t with another manager… it looks like me bringing cookies and cupcakes to their office to say merry Christmas when I really didn’t have to, and might not for anyone else…
    I am not more direct because I believe that he has a girlfriend.… And because I’m not certain I want to take that kind of risk with someone I work with.

    What’s that expression…? You don’t shit where you eat. Yeah that.

    The girlfriend… i’m struggling with this one in my head as well. Part of me feels shady even with my current thoughts and actions… And part of me feels like I have not crossed any lines…
    IDK. Messy

    And yes, the thought has crossed my mind… Do I find him more attractive because he is potentially not available?
    No, I actually don’t believe that to be the case.
    I think in this case, getting to know him as a person has made him more and more attractive to me.
    I actually really like that. It feels organic and real.

    Second silly question – not silly at all.
    Determining readiness for love.

    For me, It is constant self analysis. Yes, when I say ready for love… You are absolutely right… It directly translates to am I ready for the work of a relationship?
    But also, Am I emotionally healthy and capable of a healthy relationship?

    For me, those answers have been no for the last year. Although, each day that passes, I feel better and better about my answers.

    Making the new guy or girl pay for the crimes of the past…?

    Absolutely. I have been very guilty of this in my dating history. It was brought to my attention, and I do not want to do this anymore.

    I think this ties back in as well to my feeling that it’s very important that I take the time to heal and grow.

    I absolutely, 100% agree with you ….we need to own our own shit.
    One thing I always tell people… If you ask someone why they got divorced… And every single answer is related to their spouse… Walk away quickly.

    There are many things that were lacking in my ex-husband… There were many shitty decisions, actions and words…
    But all that said, there are many ways that I recognize that I was not a good wife… Many things I want to do differently if there is a next time.

    And yes… All this comes to you “I know but “ doesn’t it…
    And I am smiling because you are right. I’m smiling because you took the time to say that to me…

    I can only tell you that I feel like I’m going in the right direction… And I take your advice with the love that it was given with… And I will try to be brave

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    1. First, I appreciate your response. Next, define “healthy relationship” for me when you get a chance – no rush. When it comes to relationships, the only people who haven’t been emotionally damaged by them are the people who haven’t had a relationship yet so everyone who has – and has had their heart put in the blender and pureed at high speed – needs to heal; it’s just the nature of the beast and while there’s a lot of relationship advice out there, the stuff about getting yourself right doesn’t always mean shit when you’re trying to deal with another human being… and one who has gone through the blender a few times and who has, more than likely, flipped the “on” switch on someone.

      The past. Good for teaching you things, not so good for allowing growth or healing if you’re always worried – or, dare I say, paranoid – about whatever hurt you suffered or caused. If you’re always looking backward, you can’t see what’s in front of you. A woman accused me of taking out the angst I had over other women out on her and that I needed to let go of it. I laughed for a good minute before telling her that if I held onto that shit – and, oh, yeah, like women tend to do – I would have learned to never, ever, get involved with another woman again; I would have had just one girlfriend and that would have been the end of that.

      I told her that she isn’t any woman who ever did wrong by me or whatever – she’s an entirely different person and in my mind, she’s innocent… until she proves otherwise so making her pay for someone else’s fuck ups just doesn’t make sense – she has to be “allowed” to make her own mistakes with me.

      We go from one relationship to another and bring lots of baggage with us. It’s not easy to lighten that load nor is it easy just to leave that baggage behind as if it never existed or it doesn’t belong to us. You know you have it and if you (not particularly you) haven’t learned to stop opening it and letting the contents spill out all over the place, well, that’s a problem and the primary indicator that you have not learned one damned thing from the contents of that baggage.

      I asked you to define “healthy relationship” for a reason – and here’s the reason. One of the things that fucks almost everyone up about being in a relationship is their habit of entering into the relationship with pre-conceived notions, or, they think, “This is how I want the relationship to be.” Makes sense… really a big mistake because you’re (again, not you) thinking “me” and not “us” – what things do we both bring to the table and how can we use them to develop something that’s not only unique to us but works, even if it defies conventional thinking on how a relationship should be. There’s how something is supposed to be… then there’s how something can be… but if you’ve already made up your mind how it’s supposed to be, you never get to find out how things can be.

      “I want what I want and the way I want it…” and we just assume that because we want what we want, the other person wants what we want… and we require, expect, and often demand that they want what we want and the way we want it, which pretty much eliminates whatever the other person has on their mind about this. A lot of women look at men and specifically – or rhetorically ask – “What are you gonna do for me?” while spending a lot of time telling him what they’re not going to do and I’ve learned that if your list of things you’re not gonna do is bigger than the list of things you will do, with respect, you’re fucked… and never in a good way.

      Most people are very leery about just putting themselves out there but, again, if you risk nothing, you gain nothing. If you dare to love, you’re gonna get hurt, disappointed, disillusioned and a whole lot of other shit that doesn’t feel good emotionally; decades ago, I read something that said that the worst thing you can do to another person is to love them or, “No good deed goes unpunished.” Makes you wonder why we bother to try to form relationships in the first place, doesn’t it?

      Instead of relationships being a cooperative effort, they’re more like a battle of wills with each person trying to project their agenda onto each other while, again, fiercely keeping that list of things they’re not going to do in front of them like a shield… and that never works. Being in love is an ideal – a concept or, again with respect, a fairy tale that we’ve all been made to believe; in theory, it works quite well but in the practical application mode? Eh, not so much. The reality says that even when you do everything “right,” things can still go wrong – again, it’s the nature of the beast and just how humans have always behaved. When you have expectations, the only thing you can really expect is for those expectations to not get met and in the way you thought… and being stubborn and confrontational in a relationship, as well as being highly resistant to change will, more often that not, make you find yourself being all by yourself.

      How does one heal? By telling themselves – and then believing – that no matter what happens going forward, I’m gonna be okay because I have to be; whatever happened the last time may or may not rear its ugly head again and understanding that it’s not that history tends to repeat itself in these things but a matter of how one deals with it although it is quite true that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And I’ll say it again: Thinking about what you’re not gonna do isn’t going to help because relationships that run into problems have to be dealt with proactively; see the problem, work the problem; get to the root of the problem, then get with the other person to figure out how “we” can fix this instead of pushing the repair effort onto each other. Relationships fail because we lack certain skills: Communication, problem and conflict resolution and it takes both people in a relationship to do these things effectively. One thing I tell women I get involved with is that if you never tell me what’s wrong – or what you think is wrong – there’s nothing I can do about it. If you want something to go a certain way and I don’t necessarily agree that this is the best way to go, you don’t get pissed and say, “Fuck it!” – you work toward a compromise that will best work for the both of us.

      I could go on for days about this and I’ve probably gone on too much writing this but as I once told you, it drives me totally bat shit to see women sitting on the sidelines and not doing the things they know they need to do – start another relationship and, yes, get laid so they can scratch that itch – and all because of something that someone else did to them the last time, ten years ago, or whatever. Examining what went wrong is one thing; dwelling on it and letting past failures influence future actions just does not ever make sense. You, my friend, aren’t any more damaged than me or anyone else:

      It’s all about damage control and there are some things you cannot fix by yourself but if you think you have the time for the “wounds” to heal themselves, be assured that you don’t – there’s a reason why they say one should live each day like it’s their last. Nothing is forever and while love, in and of itself, is eternal, um, people aren’t. So one learns to do what they can and the best way they can… and while they still can and, sometimes, by any means necessary.

      Why? Because not doing so just doesn’t make any sense. You’re never gonna get whatever it is you want if you don’t, excuse me, get off your cute ass and go get it and with all the confidence you can muster. And if you fail – and you will fail because we all do – yeah, it’s fucked up… but should not ever deter us from doing that which we damned well know we want and need to do.

      Liked by 1 person

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