Life …. Itself

I watched this movie tonight… Amazon movie. At one point I was thinking how terrible it was… how dark and depressing…But then all the pieces connected.… And then you see the beauty… the love.

That’s life… Life itself. Yes.

Some of my life’s domino pieces lately..

}1) My Mom was rushed to the hospital with what we believed to be a heart attack.

If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that we have a difficult relationship and history.

Hearing this news kicked all the air out of my lungs… I found myself on my knees in my kitchen.

Turned out to be broken heart syndrome.

I don’t know that it was any one particular thing… She has been caring for my dad at physical expense to her… they are elderly and have lost many loved ones… Etc. etc.

#2) Mom is home recovering but weak. We plan an early family Christmas party at their senior facility. Dinner had been eaten, and presents were being opened.

I saw my Dad slump. I don’t know if I sensed it before I saw it… I feel like I did.

He was having bad pain in his chest and down his arm. He was having trouble breathing.

One thing that is good about me… I’m great under pressure. I was by his side almost immediately. I remember family wanting to move him, and me refusing to let that happen. He didn’t want to move, and I felt like doing that was just going to cause him additional pain and stress.

One of my sister in laws said that we needed to call the paramedics… She was right. It was only when I told my oldest brother to call, that it got done.

I don’t say that to toot my own horn. I’m really just processing.

A lot of times I feel like I am overlooked or ignored within my family. I keep quiet. I keep my opinions to myself largely. Maybe that’s why it’s different when I speak up?

I don’t remember a lot of other things from that night. I remember a lot of hugs between me and my brothers. I remember walking out of the room while the paramedics were taking care of him… I remember being told not to let them see me cry. No one had to tell me that. I learned that a long time ago.

It was a very long night. Dad went from the emergency room to surgery.

Turns out the pain was diverticulitis… He had a hole in his intestines. Air was getting in the gut, and he had infection.

We left the hospital about 1 AM. He was in surgery, and we were all exhausted… So we went home presumably to sleep, and wait for the surgeons call.

My dad is 90. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that he wouldn’t make it through surgery.

I have some special gifts that allow me to see or know things… but this doesn’t work in regards to myself. Especially when I am distraught.

So I am feeling all kinds of freaked out… wondering if these feelings are indicators or just emotion run wild.

He made it through the surgery. It’s been 11 days in the hospital since.

I spent Christmas Day in the hospital with him. My brothers all have families of their own, and my Mom is still recovering.. so I got to spend a lot of it alone with him.

I remember thinking about other Christmas days.… Other times when I felt sorry for myself

Nothing like being faced with loss to realize all the blessings you really have in your life.

He sleeps the majority of the time. He wakes confused. Wants to know what happened… Where he is… Wants to go home.

He is always happy to see me. Truly happy. The kind you feel. I feel it.

We don’t do a lot of talking that day. Actually we haven’t done a lot of talking since. He doesn’t have much energy to speak… When he does, it’s usually in a whisper. I’m happy to be near and just watch him sleep.

He has good days and not so good days. Sometimes they are the same day. It’s hard. But it’s precious time. I know he knows we are there.

Today he was moved to a rehabilitation hospital. My brothers say 18 days there and then assisted living.

I don’t know. Dad is even more confused and upset. He wants to go home. He wants my Mom.

All my senses say he doesn’t have long. I don’t say this to my brothers. I wonder if they think I’m in denial the same way that I think they are?

I wonder if I need to tell him it’s OK to go. I wonder if I should. Mostly I think that he doesn’t want to leave my mom. I also don’t think she’s ready to let him go.

#3) plot twist. I met a guy last year that I liked, but it never seemed to go anywhere.

I think I wrote about him? I need to go see… Anyway, somewhere between life event number one and number two he contacted me again.

He told me that he owed me an apology… That he has basically been dating himself for the last year ( I can totally identify!! ) and that he had really been struggling after his mom died.

I was aware his mom had died. I had reached out.

Anyway, we texted a little bit… I remember thinking that I was just going to be completely honest and transparent… Which I was. I was really struggling and I told him that. I figured I had nothing to lose.

He told me to call him if I wanted to talk. I remember thinking, well here we go…

I’m going to be open to this person.

So I called him. We had a really good conversation. It was obvious that he had completely braced himself for anger.

I had none.

I told him I just had assumed he wasn’t interested. Why should I be angry about that?

He told me about his mom and some things that are going on in his family regarding her passing.

I told him about what was going on with my mom… And about our relationship, and the grudges I had been holding. How I was feeling that I needed to let them go..

He encouraged me to do that. And I have.

I have had some quality time with her since all this occurred. Our relationship is completely different now.

I don’t know how it works exactly… Those grudges I’ve been holding… They just fell away. It’s almost like I could literally feel the weight removed.

It’s not gone. It’s transmuted. I see those moments through different eyes. I see them now through understanding and compassion… Through knowing that they were human and did their best… they passed on what was said and done to them.

I see it knowing that none of it means anything now.

I told her the other day that my oldest brother was the sweetest and most thoughtful… And she agreed… But then she told me that I was right up there too.

And I was shocked. I don’t see myself as thoughtful. I definitely didn’t think she would. Feels

So anyway….. Back to him.

We have not talked on the phone again, but we have texted consistently. He invited me to a New Year’s Eve thing, but I had nothing left. I was running on negative fumes.

Work has been good but crazy busy. Trying to balance that with everything going on in my personal life has taken A toll.

I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been meditating. I haven’t taken a bath… In short, I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.

I have a long weekend ahead where I don’t have to work. I’m really hoping that I can get myself into a more Zen state.

I’m hoping we can have a second date soon.

I don’t know if this is a love connection, although I suspect it might be.

What I do know, Is that I need someone to be there for me.

I think at the very least…. he’s going to be the kind of friend I need in my life right now.

So the answer to that question… When am I going to get out of my own way?

Seems to be when life itself brings me to my knees



5 thoughts on “Life …. Itself

  1. I am sorry you had to go through so much in so little time. I remember a Xmas eve when my Granpa just fell to the side and everyone was starting to panic, thinking it was a third heart attack. It was “just” a vagal thing and he got much better quickly (nothing as serious as your Mom though). This year we spent Xmas without my Gran, she too was in a home to recover. It felt weird. But we visited her, had fun with her and so on. I believe your dad just needs your gentle presence next to him. From the little I’ve learnt about you here, I believe you are a healer, even if you are not yet aware of your gifts. Prophecy may be one. But we must be careful with that one. It shows us possible scenari, not necessarily the one that will happen. The person living it has a decision to make too. It is possible your dad made it through suegery because he wanted to be with you or your mom a little while longer. Also, when we are deeply concerned, we tend to visualise all possible scenari and since we are scared of some, they are the more vivid ones.
    Today, we had not heard from one of my kids. I saw flashes of them being held captive, of them walking backwards off a cliff. In the end, they are fine. Made it home safe. And I won’t know more about it until I get to talk to them… I tried to remain as calm as possible and handled it pretty well during the crisis. I was relieved when we learnt there had been a phone conversion, a ticket bought to come home… but I had had those flashes… you’re not alone 😘

    I think I remember this guy. I remember him saying something about taking care of his mom.
    I believe you are right. He didn’t show up unexpected just like this. There is a reason. It might just be a supportive friendship, it might be more… time will tell. He seemed and seems like a decent guy and to give you good advice.
    So I say… let him take care of you a little. You deserve it.
    You have enough resting on your shoulders.
    Take care of yourself too.
    Sending lots of love from across the waves, and wishes for a quieter, peacefuller new year, full of health, love and support. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Everything you said makes perfect sense, and gave me peaceful feels. ❤️
      Today was a good day for my Dad. He had good PT today and a good appetite. He’s ornery- lol . That’s spirit and I like it .

      Mom having a bad day. She’s resting now.
      She lost her mother because her mother took care of her dad to the point of her own health failing… And I’m watching the same thing happen.
      We talked about that tonight. She just wants so badly to be able to take care of him and everything like she always has…

      Every time they have a bad day, I brace myself… But I can’t live every day and moment in fear… I do know that I’ve been given a gift… So I need to focus on that.

      And being a healer. I would like to think I am. It’s definitely something I aspire to…
      So thank you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ❤️
        I’m glad your Mom has you to help her see this and break the generational/karmic circle.
        Maybe both her and your dad could move into an assisted living facility? Some are great nowadays, offer real flats. And it would mean they get to stay together and your Mom doesn’t have to take on all of the care, nor does she (or you and your brothers) have to worry about her having to deal with her dead husband alone. At least she could have support when the day comes (in a long time is the hope of course!).
        I know my Grandpa “refused” to die at home so that my Gran didn’t have to remember his dead body in her bed. He died in hospital when we all told him it was Ok, we were going to take good care of Gran, he didn’t have to be strong any more, he could let go. He died the following night.
        Sending much love to you. ❤️


      2. My brothers have been actively researching assisted-living facilities. We are going to move them as soon as Dad gets released… that’s the plan anyway.

        ❤️ love back to you ❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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