Time

I often think about writing, but never sit down to actually do it. Life moves along, even when you’re taking a time out.

Taking myself out of dating has been one of the best decisions I ever made. I’ve used the time to work on myself… my weight.. my self esteem.

I’m down 30 pounds… it took five months. Hard to believe it’s been that long. It’s a daily struggle. 

Now I have another 60 to go. 

Also hard to believe I let myself get to this point.

I look the best I’ve looked in many years. But more importantly, I feel the best I’ve felt in even more…. My depression and anxiety both seem to be easing as my diet improves, and the weight comes off.

That’s not to say that they are entirely gone. No…not entirely.

Today is one of those not entirely days. Being single, especially at 48, is tough. Being alone when all, or most of your friends, have families of their own that they are occupied with…. it’s tough.

This weekend everyone was too busy for me. That’s not fair but it is how I feel. Knowing it’s not rational does little to ease the wound. 

I have fun plans next weekend… but that doesn’t matter to my dark thoughts today.

Those thoughts say I’ll always be alone… die alone. Nobody cares. Maybe I should…

But I’m stronger than those thoughts. I know they’re lies.. even when I’m terrified that they’re based in truth…

My usual band aide to being so lonely is to look for someone to date. Someone to make me feel wanted. Feel good. 

But I promised myself I wouldn’t do it until I felt good about myself… I thought maybe my birthday  ( November ) and then I thought January.

My sweet friend the Fairy Queen told me that I had said July at one point….

So then I wonder… am I hiding away from the world now? 

Has it become safer than risking rejection? 

Hmmm. Ok , let’s see what’s out there?

 I downloaded a dating app… Senior people meet. 

Just to see…. presumably. 

Looked like some quality men there… but the first thing I thought was of myself not being good enough for them…

Too fat. Not attractive enough 

That’s not good. I’m not ready.

I’m starting to wonder if I ever will be.

In the meantime, I’m just waiting for today’s fog to clear