Signs

I spent Saturday with my best friend… We just hung out and talked at her house, and then watched some Netflix together… Oh and of course wine… Lots of wine 🍷

Her husband and daughter were there as well… They feel like family. They are my family.

My best friend knows everything there is to know about me. In many ways, I feel like she is my true soulmate.

Leaving and driving home with Wyatt…( my dog ) I was thinking about the differences in our lives.

She has all the things in life that I wish I had… And she deserves every one of them. She has worked hard for every relationship and every material thing.

So I look at it more as wishful thinking than envy.

I wonder what God’s plan is for my life.

Sunday I woke up and felt lonely… The guy I was excited about talking to, really cooled since Thursday night.

There could be 1 million reasons why… But at the end of the day , it doesn’t really matter why…

I stopped myself… I wasn’t going to feel sad… I was going to feel glad.

So I took Wyatt and we went to one of the places that I love.

As a Scorpio, and empath… I need water to breathe. To cleanse and heal my soul.

To feel God

So which path to take?

Of course I took the trail less traveled

Just before we went down this trail, I found a large piece of driftwood.

Perfect for moving brush aside… And also should I potentially come across a snake.

At least that’s what I told myself 😀

Interesting to note the symbolism of driftwood….

Well down this path, we found some interesting things

I don’t know what it is… Or why it’s by the lake…

And then I found this:

It was on the ground… But I knew it was a sign… And I knew someone else might come along …..and need the same sign, so I raised it

This is what I was listening to :

I don’t know why my life works out the way it does… But I do know that I will have who and what God wants me to have… in his time

It occurred to me that every single person that crosses my path teaches me a lesson along the way… And maybe that’s their only purpose.

I only talked to him briefly… But I wanted to be less guarded… More Vulnerable… more true to who I am and what I want

I wanted to let someone in.

And I was trying…. I feel like this is what God wanted me to see

Some other pics from my Glad day

That last one… that’s my 💜 that’s GLAD ❤️

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Matchmaker

So, I noticed the other day that a long time friend on Fet Life ( kinky FB kind of ) lives very close to one of my life long best friends…

He is someone that used to date a friendly acquaintance of mine… And someone that I have talked to, and respected for years.

And it occurred to me that their weirdness just might be compatible.

Only she runs more in the “vanilla ” ( non kink ) world…. But, She knows about me and my desires… And has never judged me…

I felt like if these things happened organically, she could make her own choices… Follow her own desires…

Like me, she has been healing from old wounds…and lost in hibernation mode. Him too…

They were both interested in talking…

So I took his number and gave it to her.

That was yesterday. Today they talked..,

And today, they played a game on me… And pretended they didn’t hit it off… So of course I was feeling really badly.

I was wondering why I opened that door…

And then they told me that they had talked for over three hours, and they were having dinner on Monday night. They both really liked each other.

So taking a chance worked out good.

I’ve been talking to someone myself. Only for a few days… But I like him, and I’m interested… And I’m taking a chance too

Scary. It’s hard to be vulnerable.

But I tell myself that the only way to get what I really want us to walk through the fear.

I haven’t really heard from him today… And that makes me sad a little… But people have lives and it’s early…

And, I know I’m going to be OK either way.

❤️

so, cross your fingers for my friends. They have their first date soon

Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

Life …. Itself

I watched this movie tonight… Amazon movie. At one point I was thinking how terrible it was… how dark and depressing…But then all the pieces connected.… And then you see the beauty… the love.

That’s life… Life itself. Yes.

Some of my life’s domino pieces lately..

}1) My Mom was rushed to the hospital with what we believed to be a heart attack.

If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that we have a difficult relationship and history.

Hearing this news kicked all the air out of my lungs… I found myself on my knees in my kitchen.

Turned out to be broken heart syndrome.

I don’t know that it was any one particular thing… She has been caring for my dad at physical expense to her… they are elderly and have lost many loved ones… Etc. etc.

#2) Mom is home recovering but weak. We plan an early family Christmas party at their senior facility. Dinner had been eaten, and presents were being opened.

I saw my Dad slump. I don’t know if I sensed it before I saw it… I feel like I did.

He was having bad pain in his chest and down his arm. He was having trouble breathing.

One thing that is good about me… I’m great under pressure. I was by his side almost immediately. I remember family wanting to move him, and me refusing to let that happen. He didn’t want to move, and I felt like doing that was just going to cause him additional pain and stress.

One of my sister in laws said that we needed to call the paramedics… She was right. It was only when I told my oldest brother to call, that it got done.

I don’t say that to toot my own horn. I’m really just processing.

A lot of times I feel like I am overlooked or ignored within my family. I keep quiet. I keep my opinions to myself largely. Maybe that’s why it’s different when I speak up?

I don’t remember a lot of other things from that night. I remember a lot of hugs between me and my brothers. I remember walking out of the room while the paramedics were taking care of him… I remember being told not to let them see me cry. No one had to tell me that. I learned that a long time ago.

It was a very long night. Dad went from the emergency room to surgery.

Turns out the pain was diverticulitis… He had a hole in his intestines. Air was getting in the gut, and he had infection.

We left the hospital about 1 AM. He was in surgery, and we were all exhausted… So we went home presumably to sleep, and wait for the surgeons call.

My dad is 90. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that he wouldn’t make it through surgery.

I have some special gifts that allow me to see or know things… but this doesn’t work in regards to myself. Especially when I am distraught.

So I am feeling all kinds of freaked out… wondering if these feelings are indicators or just emotion run wild.

He made it through the surgery. It’s been 11 days in the hospital since.

I spent Christmas Day in the hospital with him. My brothers all have families of their own, and my Mom is still recovering.. so I got to spend a lot of it alone with him.

I remember thinking about other Christmas days.… Other times when I felt sorry for myself

Nothing like being faced with loss to realize all the blessings you really have in your life.

He sleeps the majority of the time. He wakes confused. Wants to know what happened… Where he is… Wants to go home.

He is always happy to see me. Truly happy. The kind you feel. I feel it.

We don’t do a lot of talking that day. Actually we haven’t done a lot of talking since. He doesn’t have much energy to speak… When he does, it’s usually in a whisper. I’m happy to be near and just watch him sleep.

He has good days and not so good days. Sometimes they are the same day. It’s hard. But it’s precious time. I know he knows we are there.

Today he was moved to a rehabilitation hospital. My brothers say 18 days there and then assisted living.

I don’t know. Dad is even more confused and upset. He wants to go home. He wants my Mom.

All my senses say he doesn’t have long. I don’t say this to my brothers. I wonder if they think I’m in denial the same way that I think they are?

I wonder if I need to tell him it’s OK to go. I wonder if I should. Mostly I think that he doesn’t want to leave my mom. I also don’t think she’s ready to let him go.

#3) plot twist. I met a guy last year that I liked, but it never seemed to go anywhere.

I think I wrote about him? I need to go see… Anyway, somewhere between life event number one and number two he contacted me again.

He told me that he owed me an apology… That he has basically been dating himself for the last year ( I can totally identify!! ) and that he had really been struggling after his mom died.

I was aware his mom had died. I had reached out.

Anyway, we texted a little bit… I remember thinking that I was just going to be completely honest and transparent… Which I was. I was really struggling and I told him that. I figured I had nothing to lose.

He told me to call him if I wanted to talk. I remember thinking, well here we go…

I’m going to be open to this person.

So I called him. We had a really good conversation. It was obvious that he had completely braced himself for anger.

I had none.

I told him I just had assumed he wasn’t interested. Why should I be angry about that?

He told me about his mom and some things that are going on in his family regarding her passing.

I told him about what was going on with my mom… And about our relationship, and the grudges I had been holding. How I was feeling that I needed to let them go..

He encouraged me to do that. And I have.

I have had some quality time with her since all this occurred. Our relationship is completely different now.

I don’t know how it works exactly… Those grudges I’ve been holding… They just fell away. It’s almost like I could literally feel the weight removed.

It’s not gone. It’s transmuted. I see those moments through different eyes. I see them now through understanding and compassion… Through knowing that they were human and did their best… they passed on what was said and done to them.

I see it knowing that none of it means anything now.

I told her the other day that my oldest brother was the sweetest and most thoughtful… And she agreed… But then she told me that I was right up there too.

And I was shocked. I don’t see myself as thoughtful. I definitely didn’t think she would. Feels

So anyway….. Back to him.

We have not talked on the phone again, but we have texted consistently. He invited me to a New Year’s Eve thing, but I had nothing left. I was running on negative fumes.

Work has been good but crazy busy. Trying to balance that with everything going on in my personal life has taken A toll.

I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been meditating. I haven’t taken a bath… In short, I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.

I have a long weekend ahead where I don’t have to work. I’m really hoping that I can get myself into a more Zen state.

I’m hoping we can have a second date soon.

I don’t know if this is a love connection, although I suspect it might be.

What I do know, Is that I need someone to be there for me.

I think at the very least…. he’s going to be the kind of friend I need in my life right now.

So the answer to that question… When am I going to get out of my own way?

Seems to be when life itself brings me to my knees

❤️

A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

A revised fairy tale

I used to write a lot about fairytales. But I wrote about them from the same perspective that I’ve lived in my life… I wanted someone to save me.

At some point, I am going to write about being a babygirl/little and how the BDSM world impacted my mental health and life in a very unhealthy way… further exacerbating what was already a very bad place in my life.

For right now, I’m going to leave it at that… More to come in the future

Do not expect a BDSM general condemnation. That is not coming.

Anyway, I feel like every day I’m a healthier person… Every day I am more in control of my life. I still want the fairytale, but now I truly believe what this meme says.

I am creating the life of my dreams. Some parts like love are taking longer.

It’s really hard to be patient. I know that I have come a long way these last two years in learning to love and respect myself… And I know that that will eventually help lead me to the man of my dreams.

For now, I guess that still has to be me 🤣

so yeah, I will go ahead and clear this part up… Awesome ghosted on me.

But I think he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. As much as I miss sex, I just didn’t have that desire for him.

And guy #2

He did tell me about a medical issue he was dealing with, and asked me to wait for that to be resolved before we went out on a date… And that I’m fine with…

But he’s hot and he’s cold with his messages… I don’t take that personally, other than I feel like it’s more about him keeping his options open and probably not being in the market for a serious relationship like I am…

So, I have not written him off entirely… But I have scaled-back my hopes for this relationship.

I need someone who is consistent.

So, that’s where I’m at tonight.

Sending lots of love to everyone reading this. I did hear from a few people who have been struggling after my last post. I’m so very touched.

Please know that you are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

Xoxo 💋

Calling all fuckboys

I’m in a good place for the most part. I’m mentally and emotionally healthy. That’s not to say I don’t have my dark moments.

I do. But I’ve learned to move through them quicker.

On my own, life is good… But I’m tired of being alone. I’m looking for a partner. I’m looking for my happy ending…

Actually not really an ending so much as a beginning…

But, In the meantime, I have unmet needs. Not being held, kissed, fucked… oh this is getting to me.

Sometimes that itch eats me alive. My inner Scorpio is hungry. Very hungry… masturbation doesn’t touch the cravings… it’s almost more frustrating but that’s a topic for another day…

Anyway…. The last two nights I had bad nightmares. Friday morning it took me at least a couple hours to shake off my dream… What I dreamed about or why is really not important here…. but I missed good strong arms to wrap around me… To hold me tight… To make me feel that I was safe…

So this got me focused on the physical. I started to think maybe I just needed to scratch the itch… Take that edge off and then continue looking for a good man

I went on a dating site specifically with the intention of finding a certain fuckboy.

And I did, within hours.

He doesn’t remember me. We had two dates… And several texts from him about how much he cared about me… and yet, he doesn’t remember me

Yes, I could easily fuck him. And it would be good. Physically

But I can’t .

Because he’s not good enough for me. Because I don’t want his energy attached to me.

Because it occurred to me how easily I attracted what I wanted… or what I thought I wanted.

So, I’m calling into existence love. I’m calling into existence marriage. I’m calling into existence family and the house of my dreams.

And you fuck boys, you can go back where you came from