OK I totally picked that picture because I think it’s pretty… But also, it kind of fits what my friend Scarlet told me yesterday about crying
See she called me yesterday after reading my posts… but really, she’d know even if she hadn’t read them. We are connected like that.
So I was at a level of agitation that pretty much I answered the phone with hostility…
And when I am at that level of anger, it’s just barely masking a meltdown.
Which I had. I don’t like to cry. I was raised to believe that’s weak. I don’t believe that for anyone besides myself… But of course, holding myself to unrealistic standards and expectations… Yeah well that’s just standard operating procedure. 😐
Anyway, we had a good talk… and when I hung up the phone, I was looking for a meditation to help me sleep… I happened upon this instead.
Just to clarify, I don’t think Doomsday is a bad person… nor do I think he had bad intent.
I think we both made some mistakes…. and that’s OK. I’m going to learn from them.
But this video did open my eyes a little bit more to some of my mistakes. I’m sharing in case anyone else needs the information
I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic home. I didn’t date in high school. I had two long standing relationships in my twenties… I didn’t say they were healthy, just long-standing mind you …
and, then I got married and spent my thirties and early forties married.
So I never really learned how to date. So I’m learning now. I guess better late than never
Anyway, thank you all for your well wishes.
I’m not looking to rush back into dating at the moment… but I know I will again at some point.
Would it be wrong to say the thing I’m most disappointed about is that I’m not going to get to have sex anytime soon ? 🤷♀️
I wish I didn’t feel like revisiting FWB would be a bad move for me.
Anyway…. ❤️ today is a better day. And I am reminded of my blessings
So the other day I was confused at being ghosted or blown off again…
IDK if ghosting really applies when you haven’t had a date yet. 🤷♀️
Today I was not so zen. I was the opposite of zen.
Mad. As in pissed off, furious.
Boiling inside. And by the end of the day, sick to my stomach
Of course that could be due to the crap lunch that I ate.
It’s better now. Coming home to my sanctuary helps. My dog helps.
I thought about what my friend Scarlet said… would I be so angry about a job I didn’t get ?
But here’s the thing…. . I’m angry because I got my hopes up.
I’m angry because my time was wasted.
I’m angry because my intuition was wrong.
How am I so sure I’m right about someone… And then I’m so wrong?
But mostly I’m really mad because I feel like I’m emotionally healthy and available… Because I’m doing the work and I’m really trying… But I keep picking men who flake out on me… so maybe I’m not as healthy as I think I am?
that really sucks to think about.
I’m not going to message him. I haven’t yet deleted his contact information, even though I probably should’ve.
And maybe I should still try to date… But I just don’t have it in me right now.
I’m tired. Right now I’m just tired of anything and everything to do with men
I know I shouldn’t put negative thoughts out into the universe… But it just doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen for me.
I learned to accept not being able to have a child. Maybe I just need to learn to accept this too and be done with it
Sorry no positive vibes today loves. Feel free to send them.
Well… haven’t heard from new guy- Doomsday — since Thursday
I’m not sure what to make of that exactly. During the week I felt like I was getting very little. Definitely very little initiation on his part, and little in response back to my efforts. I understood it was his first week back to work after being on vacation for 10 days… And so I was trying to be understanding.
However, in the back of my head the ever present voice… People make time for what and who is important to them.
That said, we have not been on a date yet… So perspective Cinn…
In any case, I want a guy who chases me.
I am not jumping to conclusions, or writing him off at this point… But I am definitely sitting back and waiting to see what happens or doesn’t.
My little voice also reminds me that butterflies don’t land in a closed fist… that I need to relax and let God bless me as he will. When he will…
So at this time, it’s not the outcome I was hoping for… But I still feel really good about my own personal progress. Maybe that’s the lesson.
So… I’ll get to the song later 😎
Do you ever have memories that seem to come out of nowhere? That’s been my life lately…
One of these memories was that I used to be much more social.… I used to really love going out with friends ….. I used to have people over.
This stopped after I got married.
This memory was somewhat like a vision… I saw clearly how my ex isolated me from friends and family.
I don’t know if it was intentional, And at this point it doesn’t really matter anyway… But, I got stuck in that isolation. I got stuck to the point where I owned something that wasn’t mine.
And remembering myself…. gave me some freedom back.
I went to a party Saturday night. I told myself I was going to be bold. I took the time to do my hair and makeup, and I wore a dress that I normally wouldn’t wear.
I had a good time. More important than that, I felt myself shine again.
Except of course for the dude that asked me if I was my friend’s mother… That hurt.
Part of me felt like it was on purpose, part of me felt like he was just drunk and stupid… All of me knows it doesn’t matter. Dusting off my pride…
Being 50 is tough sometimes. Mostly great… But every once in a while, those little zingers that remind you that your physical beauty is fleeting..
but, anyway… Another good thing about the night…. I sent a picture to the person I referenced in this post
Of course I sent the picture after a few vodka cranberry drinks, so my usual editing was left undone.
Which meant I showed much more cleavage than I meant to. 🤣 still, by most people standards… Probably still super tame. Lol
I am basically a prude, until I am someone’s slut. If that doesn’t make sense to you… That’s OK, I often don’t make sense even to myself.
Anyway he loved the picture. A lot.
He texted me and called me, and he made me feel more beautiful than I have felt in a long time.
We haven’t had a date yet. We’ve been talking for weeks though. Mostly because I was so guarded… and then, because like I told him when I apologized… it’s been my habit to cut and run anytime I think I could get hurt.
But, I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think we have established a comfort level and beginnings of trust that probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise.
We talked on the phone Sunday for over an hour … and almost entirely about sex.
Which for me is huge on both levels… Talking on the phone is big for me. It’s an energy drain a lot of the time. But not always.
And sex… going back to the duality of Cinn… although I am a very sexual person, these kind of conversations would typically shut me down. I’m guessing that this goes back to the slowly building comfort and trust.
In any case, I did tell him how long it had been for me, and he was pretty happy about that… Which confirmed for me an intuition I’ve had before… that it would matter to my future partner that I waited.
Now am I rushing to think he’s the one ? Yes I have my fantasy romance moments… But I think overall I am pretty grounded in thinking this is progressing in a healthy way, and probably a good next step of my path if nothing else.
And I do recognize that he will probably hurt my feelings at some point. I have already hurt his… and probably will again. I realize that as part of life and being human…
I also recognize the big difference in that and what I have lived through in my past.
Speaking of my past, I did share some of it with him, and he has shared some of his with me. But in a way that felt like sharing and less like dumping buckets of pain and begging to be healed.
( Which is what I do feel like I did to past partners )
So… we’ll see where this goes.
In the meantime, I feel like I’m waking up as me again. I can only attribute it to all the crazy eclipse, retrograde and full moon energy… But I feel like I walked out of the darkness.
Actually, I’ve been out of the darkness for a long time now… Maybe it would be more accurate to say I walked into the light.
I walked into hope.
And things keep happening that only confirm my feelings.
I drove over a bridge today that I usually feel anxious about. I told myself I was going to channel some Aries energy and be fearless and I was. 🙌🏻
Later in the day, I drove past an accident. Several cars damaged…. and then there was a young girl in her car, and a fireman kneeling down and talking to her…
And all of the feelings overwhelmed me … for a moment, I thought I was going to cry… And then I stopped myself. I said out loud very loudly… Not Mine … Not Mine… Not Mine
And it passed. I don’t have to feel everything from other people.
That’s hugely freeing. I have previously learned to release other peoples feelings or energy…
But actually blocking it… Huge!
I was getting my nails done… And the technician started smacking my hand… It was obvious she wanted me to do something… But not so obvious what. I said what and she smacked my hand again, and we repeated.
Before I knew what was happening, I very loudly said something along the lines of “would you stop that! If you want me to do something, then you need to tell me what that is!”
Yes I know that’s pretty tame… But for the last few years, I would have eaten the emotion and said nothing.
She didn’t apologize, but she did stop.
And for me, the only thing that matters is that I allowed myself to express an emotion that wasn’t “nice”
Not only was it 100% OK, but I was so happy and proud of myself. I still am.
And then, the song…
This was my song with the second man I ever loved.
I’ve actually been thinking of him a lot lately.
There’s a lot of things in our story that I’m not proud of. A lot of things that I felt like I needed to make amends for… And I feel like I have.
My friend Scarlet told me once this wasn’t how karma works… And I still can’t say I truly understand. It’s probably more my Catholic guilt that said I deserved a lot of the things that were done to me…
I’ve worked really hard to become someone I’m proud of. Someone who puts more love in the world… I’m not perfect by any means… But I’m doing the work.
But anyhoo… I really hope he has found happiness and peace in his life.
It’s time for me to find mine.
So when this song came on, it made me smile. In my head, I said well hello Christopher. I sent him love and warm wishes.
Yes that’s his real name. That’s actually the first time I have used someone’s real name… But I find it a beautiful name in general, and as there are 1,000,001 Christopher in the world… I feel like it’s pretty safe to say it’s not going to reveal who he really is.
And then later, I looked this song up again and paid more attention to the words…
It’s timely I think.
I don’t know much . 💋❤️
Thank you if you made it all the way through my ramble
And thank you Selina for teaching me how to do links ❤️
It felt necessary 😀
Edit…. And I forgot my friend who came and sat by me today in the sun
Dragonfly- symbol of transformation and self realization ❤️
If you’re very lucky in life you have friends who keep it real with you. I’m very lucky in that regard… 🤣
So one friend in particular and I were discussing the man I wrote about recently…
I told her that I did feel bad about the message I sent him… It wasn’t who I wanted to be.
And she asked me if I would have written an angry email to an employer after I didn’t get a particular job.
It’s not exactly the same thing… certainly not as personal… but I did get the point.
I have been thinking about it ever since.
So today I apologized. Because that’s not who I want to be.
He accepted my apology. We chatted briefly. I told him I wouldn’t contact him again, and I won’t … even though a silly stupid part of my little girl still likes him…
I deleted his number. I accept the lessons.
Here’s the other part of the lesson… When he stopped talking to me, I got on some dating apps.
I was determined to remain open to possibilities… to love.
I started talking to someone online, and it progressed to texts… Then phone call… Then FaceTime.
Never quite progressed to meeting.
I tried to look at it like a job interview… For the position of my boyfriend.
There have been a few things that I didn’t really like… not quite red flags… But maybe yellow?
But my biggest pet peeve… Disappearing on me. ( when we are steady texting) I understand things happen… But you don’t get multiple opportunities to flake on me.
Today, I realized I was done. He texted me and I did not respond.
A couple hours in , I realized I was a hypocrite.
So I texted him and told him that I didn’t see it working out between us.
He actually wrote me back a very gentlemanly response.
Honestly, it made me wonder if I made a mistake…
but, I have to believe in my gut.
My gut said I did the right thing…both times.
Tonight that’s got to be enough.
I have been nursing hurt and anger since I was ghosted.
Truth be told, I think I’m the most angry with myself.
I wanted to text him but I didn’t. I didn’t want to go there.. I wanted to take the high road.
Until today, when I discovered he blocked me. Yes, I unfriended him… but I still found myself peeking in at his profile… mostly wondering where he was… And what had happened.
Being blocked just set me off. I was hurt and embarrassed… But I shouldn’t have been looking back anyway…
I couldn’t help myself… picking at the scab. I’m not sure why I do this.
At that point I decided I was tired of always trying to rise above… Tired of worrying about other peoples feelings when they don’t worry about mine…
And so I messaged him. And it was mean. He didn’t respond. I didn’t expect him to. He’s already shown me that’s who he is… why should I be surprised by that?
I’m not going to publish it here. It was between him and me. It was designed to hurt.
I’ll only hold my sting for so long. We hit so long…
So be it.
* Added next day – But unlike the meme implies, I do feel bad. I don’t like that side of me… however deserved.
Anyway, I’m out of venom and it’s a new day.