A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

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A revised fairy tale

I used to write a lot about fairytales. But I wrote about them from the same perspective that I’ve lived in my life… I wanted someone to save me.

At some point, I am going to write about being a babygirl/little and how the BDSM world impacted my mental health and life in a very unhealthy way… further exacerbating what was already a very bad place in my life.

For right now, I’m going to leave it at that… More to come in the future

Do not expect a BDSM general condemnation. That is not coming.

Anyway, I feel like every day I’m a healthier person… Every day I am more in control of my life. I still want the fairytale, but now I truly believe what this meme says.

I am creating the life of my dreams. Some parts like love are taking longer.

It’s really hard to be patient. I know that I have come a long way these last two years in learning to love and respect myself… And I know that that will eventually help lead me to the man of my dreams.

For now, I guess that still has to be me 🤣

so yeah, I will go ahead and clear this part up… Awesome ghosted on me.

But I think he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. As much as I miss sex, I just didn’t have that desire for him.

And guy #2

He did tell me about a medical issue he was dealing with, and asked me to wait for that to be resolved before we went out on a date… And that I’m fine with…

But he’s hot and he’s cold with his messages… I don’t take that personally, other than I feel like it’s more about him keeping his options open and probably not being in the market for a serious relationship like I am…

So, I have not written him off entirely… But I have scaled-back my hopes for this relationship.

I need someone who is consistent.

So, that’s where I’m at tonight.

Sending lots of love to everyone reading this. I did hear from a few people who have been struggling after my last post. I’m so very touched.

Please know that you are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

Xoxo 💋

Calling all fuckboys

I’m in a good place for the most part. I’m mentally and emotionally healthy. That’s not to say I don’t have my dark moments.

I do. But I’ve learned to move through them quicker.

On my own, life is good… But I’m tired of being alone. I’m looking for a partner. I’m looking for my happy ending…

Actually not really an ending so much as a beginning…

But, In the meantime, I have unmet needs. Not being held, kissed, fucked… oh this is getting to me.

Sometimes that itch eats me alive. My inner Scorpio is hungry. Very hungry… masturbation doesn’t touch the cravings… it’s almost more frustrating but that’s a topic for another day…

Anyway…. The last two nights I had bad nightmares. Friday morning it took me at least a couple hours to shake off my dream… What I dreamed about or why is really not important here…. but I missed good strong arms to wrap around me… To hold me tight… To make me feel that I was safe…

So this got me focused on the physical. I started to think maybe I just needed to scratch the itch… Take that edge off and then continue looking for a good man

I went on a dating site specifically with the intention of finding a certain fuckboy.

And I did, within hours.

He doesn’t remember me. We had two dates… And several texts from him about how much he cared about me… and yet, he doesn’t remember me

Yes, I could easily fuck him. And it would be good. Physically

But I can’t .

Because he’s not good enough for me. Because I don’t want his energy attached to me.

Because it occurred to me how easily I attracted what I wanted… or what I thought I wanted.

So, I’m calling into existence love. I’m calling into existence marriage. I’m calling into existence family and the house of my dreams.

And you fuck boys, you can go back where you came from

Fuck You. Or Not

OK. So the last man I mentioned… that fizzled. No burn.

We had a decent relationship. I guess we still do. But I had to end the romantic aspect.

First thing, he ended up telling me that he was bipolar… But not only that, he had been off his meds until recently.

That is a big red flag for me. Particularly as I struggle with depression. I can’t afford to surround myself with unhealthy people and relationships.

Second thing… no spark. I understand chemistry isn’t everything… But it is something, and is important. When he kissed me, I realized that I didn’t want him to.

I didn’t want more. I wanted less.

Lastly, He has some serious health issues… And while I am accepting of this, I do expect my partner to take care of themselves.

Burying one’s head in the sand, and living in denial… Not moving forward on what is needed because it is hard… This I cannot do.

Maybe this is an unattractive side of me. I don’t know. But this is how I am wired.

Also, we don’t have a bond formed enough to make me want to take on that level of care.

I have been thinking about all of this for weeks… What I realized was that in him I saw myself.

I saw myself when I was unhappy. When I was mentally ill. When I was hiding from the world. When I wanted to dump all of my wounds on my romantic partners to Band-Aid or heal

Not a pretty sight.

But it’s in my rearview. There must be some reason I was meant to see this.

Well from there, I met another man… This man was sexy, successful and intense. Our first date was one of the most interesting and challenging conversations I’ve ever had on a date.

He is Latin… Which is my kryptonite. Oh the beautiful words are so hard to not get sucked into. And the dark smoulder… oh my… and an accent? Fans self

My intuition heard “charming” but at the same time, I did get the sense that he actually liked and was interested in me. My empathetic nature… My intuition… It still feels this. I’m not sure what to make of that.

His kisses made me want more. He asked me out for the next night and we had another nice time… But if I’m honest with myself, the conversation was not as good.

The make out session afterwards was beyond hot. This guy is hands-down the best kisser I’ve ever had. 🔥

I’m a Scorpio. My ignition switch has two speeds. On and off. 🔥🔥🔥

I wanted to eat him up he was so damn yummy. But I stopped. We made out, and I let him touch my breasts..

he wanted more. I did too… But I know that I can’t do physical intimacy without feeling. Lord knows I’ve tried. It’s not how I’m built.

So, I said no… my mistake here was to entertain the idea of an in between.

The next two days were some of the most intense pressure I’ve ever experienced.

You would think I would just tell him to fuck off. Part of me really wanted to. Part of me wanted to please him… I hate that side of me. People should have to earn that

And I couldn’t get a handle on why I felt such distinct different things from him. Was it wishful thinking on my part? Maybe but I don’t think so.

I think he’s used always getting his way. I think his thinking is fucked.

Am I fooling myself? Maybe

It was really hard to talk to friends about this. It’s hard for people to understand why this is hard. I get it. People are busy. People judge. Not that anyone means badly. We are human. I’m super quick to judge when it’s not My feelings

Seems so simple. Tell them to fuck off

I don’t. Instead I go silent. I slam the door shut

I want to say the effect is the same… but it’s not. Today, I am disappointed in myself.

But, I also realized that he reawakened something in me. I miss physical attention/affection… I miss passion

I went and got a wax. Full Brazilian. I did it thinking maybe he would touch me… But in the end I wasn’t ready. I’m still very glad I did. I realize even the small step of grooming makes me feel sexier and maybe even more hopeful?

It’s a small signal to myself that it’s OK to be a physical being. That it’s OK to fully live and love.

I’m not sure a man could ever understand all that from the removal of some hair.

Anyway. I did choose me. I did make the healthiest decision(s) for myself

I hope one day I can tell someone to fuck off and feel good about it.

I hope I can strongly advocate for myself.

Maybe I’m still getting there?

End note… so the next guy who made a joke did receive my stinger. Pretty harmless joke too.

I was wrong and he handled himself and the conversation with me beautifully.

So, turns out advocating for oneself can be tricky business too lol

Day 12

My proudest accomplishment as a single woman ? Last year

I took a year off of dating… And focused entirely on myself.

My well being.

Best decision ever!

I focused on my career, and was thrilled with the results.

There was financial gain, and that’s always nice… But more importantly, was the growth I made as a person and an employee.

I learned to take risks. I made mistakes, and I made big mistakes… And I learned that sometimes you fail. When you do… You get up and you try something else… And sometimes you have to fail before you fly.

Maybe most of the time.

I try really hard to be perfect. I’m not sure that’s ever going to go away. I am a people pleaser… but, I am learning that it’s OK to not be perfect.

I am learning that I still have value. Actually, I’m learning that I have great value even imperfect.

These lessons translate to the rest of my life.

Other big takeaways from last year…

Friends. Priceless

I can remember a time when I couldn’t talk on the phone. When my anxiety was so bad that a simple phone call would make me panic…

So, what I mostly chose to do was avoid.

But I had girlfriends who called me anyway.

One call became two… One friend became two… and it grew from there…

Now I have many people who call me… And although my introverted self does sometimes wish to reject this… Overwhelmingly I feel good about it.

But more than this… My friends See Me.

The good, the bad, the very bad… And the very very good.

I am Cinn after all AKA Glinda 😆

I think the world of my girlfriends… they are amazing. They have laughed with me, cried with me, taught me, encouraged me, forgiven me, healed me and most importantly Loved me.

You know what love is in friendship? It’s honesty.

Except the honesty about my clothes. And my panties. And my bras.

That’s just painful

Yeah folks I’m outing myself.

Cinn is pretty non sexy. In taking a general assessment… It appears I have done my best to acquire completely repellent undergarments…

At the moment, I am doing some initial dating stages… So I’m still good with that. It’s actually incentive to keep my clothes on LOL

But…

Anyway… There are two more things that I think are important from last year

Church

I found a nondenominational church that I love. I don’t go regularly, but I do go enough to have made a change in my heart. I also try to watch online when I can’t make it in person.

I have written about church in the past… And holding onto so much hurt and anger…. it just wasn’t doing anything good for me.

I can’t say I have let it all go… But I’m trying to look though. I’m trying to forgive.

In the meantime, I’m just trying to be the best person I can be. Trying to be pleasing to God.

And on that note…. The last thing.

Meditation .

Probably seems like such a strange thing to be last…

My friend told me about meditation… It started with one, and I have continued to explore from there.

So many facets of our lives are better when we learn to be still.

Be still

If you have not tried it, I strongly encourage you to give meditation a chance.

Find a quiet space… Close your eyes and just listen.

YouTube has meditations on almost any subject you could think of… They have short ones and long ones…

I really hope you’ll try it… And let me know what you think!

Anyway… This post was a long ramble… So thanks for sticking in there!

Xoxo