So… I’ll get to the song later 😎
Do you ever have memories that seem to come out of nowhere? That’s been my life lately…
One of these memories was that I used to be much more social.… I used to really love going out with friends ….. I used to have people over.
This stopped after I got married.
This memory was somewhat like a vision… I saw clearly how my ex isolated me from friends and family.
I don’t know if it was intentional, And at this point it doesn’t really matter anyway… But, I got stuck in that isolation. I got stuck to the point where I owned something that wasn’t mine.
And remembering myself…. gave me some freedom back.
I went to a party Saturday night. I told myself I was going to be bold. I took the time to do my hair and makeup, and I wore a dress that I normally wouldn’t wear.
I had a good time. More important than that, I felt myself shine again.
Except of course for the dude that asked me if I was my friend’s mother… That hurt.
Part of me felt like it was on purpose, part of me felt like he was just drunk and stupid… All of me knows it doesn’t matter. Dusting off my pride…
Being 50 is tough sometimes. Mostly great… But every once in a while, those little zingers that remind you that your physical beauty is fleeting..
but, anyway… Another good thing about the night…. I sent a picture to the person I referenced in this post
Of course I sent the picture after a few vodka cranberry drinks, so my usual editing was left undone.
Which meant I showed much more cleavage than I meant to. 🤣 still, by most people standards… Probably still super tame. Lol
I am basically a prude, until I am someone’s slut. If that doesn’t make sense to you… That’s OK, I often don’t make sense even to myself.
Anyway he loved the picture. A lot.
He texted me and called me, and he made me feel more beautiful than I have felt in a long time.
We haven’t had a date yet. We’ve been talking for weeks though. Mostly because I was so guarded… and then, because like I told him when I apologized… it’s been my habit to cut and run anytime I think I could get hurt.
But, I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think we have established a comfort level and beginnings of trust that probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise.
We talked on the phone Sunday for over an hour … and almost entirely about sex.
Which for me is huge on both levels… Talking on the phone is big for me. It’s an energy drain a lot of the time. But not always.
And sex… going back to the duality of Cinn… although I am a very sexual person, these kind of conversations would typically shut me down. I’m guessing that this goes back to the slowly building comfort and trust.
In any case, I did tell him how long it had been for me, and he was pretty happy about that… Which confirmed for me an intuition I’ve had before… that it would matter to my future partner that I waited.
Now am I rushing to think he’s the one ? Yes I have my fantasy romance moments… But I think overall I am pretty grounded in thinking this is progressing in a healthy way, and probably a good next step of my path if nothing else.
And I do recognize that he will probably hurt my feelings at some point. I have already hurt his… and probably will again. I realize that as part of life and being human…
I also recognize the big difference in that and what I have lived through in my past.
Speaking of my past, I did share some of it with him, and he has shared some of his with me. But in a way that felt like sharing and less like dumping buckets of pain and begging to be healed.
( Which is what I do feel like I did to past partners )
So… we’ll see where this goes.
In the meantime, I feel like I’m waking up as me again. I can only attribute it to all the crazy eclipse, retrograde and full moon energy… But I feel like I walked out of the darkness.
Actually, I’ve been out of the darkness for a long time now… Maybe it would be more accurate to say I walked into the light.
I walked into hope.
And things keep happening that only confirm my feelings.
I drove over a bridge today that I usually feel anxious about. I told myself I was going to channel some Aries energy and be fearless and I was. 🙌🏻
Later in the day, I drove past an accident. Several cars damaged…. and then there was a young girl in her car, and a fireman kneeling down and talking to her…
And all of the feelings overwhelmed me … for a moment, I thought I was going to cry… And then I stopped myself. I said out loud very loudly… Not Mine … Not Mine… Not Mine
And it passed. I don’t have to feel everything from other people.
That’s hugely freeing. I have previously learned to release other peoples feelings or energy…
But actually blocking it… Huge!
I was getting my nails done… And the technician started smacking my hand… It was obvious she wanted me to do something… But not so obvious what. I said what and she smacked my hand again, and we repeated.
Before I knew what was happening, I very loudly said something along the lines of “would you stop that! If you want me to do something, then you need to tell me what that is!”
Yes I know that’s pretty tame… But for the last few years, I would have eaten the emotion and said nothing.
She didn’t apologize, but she did stop.
And for me, the only thing that matters is that I allowed myself to express an emotion that wasn’t “nice”
Not only was it 100% OK, but I was so happy and proud of myself. I still am.
And then, the song…
This was my song with the second man I ever loved.
I’ve actually been thinking of him a lot lately.
There’s a lot of things in our story that I’m not proud of. A lot of things that I felt like I needed to make amends for… And I feel like I have.
My friend Scarlet told me once this wasn’t how karma works… And I still can’t say I truly understand. It’s probably more my Catholic guilt that said I deserved a lot of the things that were done to me…
I’ve worked really hard to become someone I’m proud of. Someone who puts more love in the world… I’m not perfect by any means… But I’m doing the work.
But anyhoo… I really hope he has found happiness and peace in his life.
It’s time for me to find mine.
So when this song came on, it made me smile. In my head, I said well hello Christopher. I sent him love and warm wishes.
Yes that’s his real name. That’s actually the first time I have used someone’s real name… But I find it a beautiful name in general, and as there are 1,000,001 Christopher in the world… I feel like it’s pretty safe to say it’s not going to reveal who he really is.
And then later, I looked this song up again and paid more attention to the words…
It’s timely I think.
I don’t know much . 💋❤️
Thank you if you made it all the way through my ramble
And thank you Selina for teaching me how to do links ❤️
It felt necessary 😀
Edit…. And I forgot my friend who came and sat by me today in the sun
Dragonfly- symbol of transformation and self realization ❤️