Roll the credits

So almost a week ago I heard from my ex-husband again. He sent me a photo of our divorce decree and asked if I had the stamped copy from the court.

Yeah I don’t have to look. I know exactly where my divorce decree is. Yes, of course I have a stamped copy. I did 100 percent of the paperwork, paid 100 percent of the court costs and made 100 percent of the court appearances myself

Let me look – Translates directly to I need to process this request of yours.

And I’m kind of irritated that I bit back on the Catholic thing… But I get so tired of him trying to rewrite history to suit himself…

So I thought about it…

And I said no. Actually I lied and told him I couldn’t find my paperwork. And then I gave him the contact information for the court.

I was feeling a little guilty about this… And I was driving to work thinking about it… And then something hit me.

I didn’t want to send him the paperwork, because I don’t want him to fuck up another woman’s life the way he did mine.

The fact that this woman wants him to go through her church and do things the right way… And then to see and feel his complete disrespect for her and that process…

I see him clearly now. He hasn’t changed. I’m not sure he’s capable of it…

And when I was quiet I heard the answer. I did my job.

He can now do the work… Or not.

But for us it’s the end of the line.

Something tells me I won’t be hearing from him again ( until his parents pass. )

I’m good with that. Feels like the movie credits are rolling …

For the sequel, I send every good wish to the female lead.

Choose the other guy. Heck, choose pretty much anybody else love.

Cinnys out ✌️❤️

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Into the light… a ramble

So… I’ll get to the song later 😎

Do you ever have memories that seem to come out of nowhere? That’s been my life lately…

One of these memories was that I used to be much more social.… I used to really love going out with friends ….. I used to have people over.

This stopped after I got married.

This memory was somewhat like a vision… I saw clearly how my ex isolated me from friends and family.

I don’t know if it was intentional, And at this point it doesn’t really matter anyway… But, I got stuck in that isolation. I got stuck to the point where I owned something that wasn’t mine.

And remembering myself…. gave me some freedom back.

I went to a party Saturday night. I told myself I was going to be bold. I took the time to do my hair and makeup, and I wore a dress that I normally wouldn’t wear.

I had a good time. More important than that, I felt myself shine again.

Except of course for the dude that asked me if I was my friend’s mother… That hurt.

Part of me felt like it was on purpose, part of me felt like he was just drunk and stupid… All of me knows it doesn’t matter. Dusting off my pride…

Being 50 is tough sometimes. Mostly great… But every once in a while, those little zingers that remind you that your physical beauty is fleeting..

but, anyway… Another good thing about the night…. I sent a picture to the person I referenced in this post

Of course I sent the picture after a few vodka cranberry drinks, so my usual editing was left undone.

Which meant I showed much more cleavage than I meant to. 🤣 still, by most people standards… Probably still super tame. Lol

I am basically a prude, until I am someone’s slut. If that doesn’t make sense to you… That’s OK, I often don’t make sense even to myself.

Anyway he loved the picture. A lot.

He texted me and called me, and he made me feel more beautiful than I have felt in a long time.

We haven’t had a date yet. We’ve been talking for weeks though. Mostly because I was so guarded… and then, because like I told him when I apologized… it’s been my habit to cut and run anytime I think I could get hurt.

But, I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think we have established a comfort level and beginnings of trust that probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

We talked on the phone Sunday for over an hour … and almost entirely about sex.

Which for me is huge on both levels… Talking on the phone is big for me. It’s an energy drain a lot of the time. But not always.

And sex… going back to the duality of Cinn… although I am a very sexual person, these kind of conversations would typically shut me down. I’m guessing that this goes back to the slowly building comfort and trust.

In any case, I did tell him how long it had been for me, and he was pretty happy about that… Which confirmed for me an intuition I’ve had before… that it would matter to my future partner that I waited.

Now am I rushing to think he’s the one ? Yes I have my fantasy romance moments… But I think overall I am pretty grounded in thinking this is progressing in a healthy way, and probably a good next step of my path if nothing else.

And I do recognize that he will probably hurt my feelings at some point. I have already hurt his… and probably will again. I realize that as part of life and being human…

I also recognize the big difference in that and what I have lived through in my past.

Speaking of my past, I did share some of it with him, and he has shared some of his with me. But in a way that felt like sharing and less like dumping buckets of pain and begging to be healed.

( Which is what I do feel like I did to past partners )

So… we’ll see where this goes.

In the meantime, I feel like I’m waking up as me again. I can only attribute it to all the crazy eclipse, retrograde and full moon energy… But I feel like I walked out of the darkness.

Actually, I’ve been out of the darkness for a long time now… Maybe it would be more accurate to say I walked into the light.

I walked into hope.

And things keep happening that only confirm my feelings.

I drove over a bridge today that I usually feel anxious about. I told myself I was going to channel some Aries energy and be fearless and I was. 🙌🏻

Later in the day, I drove past an accident. Several cars damaged…. and then there was a young girl in her car, and a fireman kneeling down and talking to her…

And all of the feelings overwhelmed me … for a moment, I thought I was going to cry… And then I stopped myself. I said out loud very loudly… Not Mine … Not Mine… Not Mine

And it passed. I don’t have to feel everything from other people.

That’s hugely freeing. I have previously learned to release other peoples feelings or energy…

But actually blocking it… Huge!

Lastly…..

I was getting my nails done… And the technician started smacking my hand… It was obvious she wanted me to do something… But not so obvious what. I said what and she smacked my hand again, and we repeated.

Before I knew what was happening, I very loudly said something along the lines of “would you stop that! If you want me to do something, then you need to tell me what that is!”

Yes I know that’s pretty tame… But for the last few years, I would have eaten the emotion and said nothing.

She didn’t apologize, but she did stop.

And for me, the only thing that matters is that I allowed myself to express an emotion that wasn’t “nice”

Not only was it 100% OK, but I was so happy and proud of myself. I still am.

And then, the song…

This was my song with the second man I ever loved.

I’ve actually been thinking of him a lot lately.

There’s a lot of things in our story that I’m not proud of. A lot of things that I felt like I needed to make amends for… And I feel like I have.

My friend Scarlet told me once this wasn’t how karma works… And I still can’t say I truly understand. It’s probably more my Catholic guilt that said I deserved a lot of the things that were done to me…

I’ve worked really hard to become someone I’m proud of. Someone who puts more love in the world… I’m not perfect by any means… But I’m doing the work.

But anyhoo… I really hope he has found happiness and peace in his life.

It’s time for me to find mine.

So when this song came on, it made me smile. In my head, I said well hello Christopher. I sent him love and warm wishes.

Yes that’s his real name. That’s actually the first time I have used someone’s real name… But I find it a beautiful name in general, and as there are 1,000,001 Christopher in the world… I feel like it’s pretty safe to say it’s not going to reveal who he really is.

And then later, I looked this song up again and paid more attention to the words…

It’s timely I think.

I don’t know much . 💋❤️

PS

Thank you if you made it all the way through my ramble

And thank you Selina for teaching me how to do links ❤️

It felt necessary 😀

Edit…. And I forgot my friend who came and sat by me today in the sun

Dragonfly- symbol of transformation and self realization ❤️

Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

So dating…

So I had a date last night… I went into it with very low expectations. He seemed sweet and funny… Nerdy… And honestly that seemed like a pretty great combination.

As soon as we were seated, and got our drinks, my date says ” I need to tell you something… And I really hope you don’t get up and walk out after I do. ”

Well, that’s never good!! 

Anyway, it turns out he’s married. Separated… And mid divorce… At least according to him.

I told him that I wasn’t going to walk out… I was going to sit there and enjoy my glass of wine… Enjoy my nice Italian meal… But as far as he and I were concerned, it was going no farther than there.


I respect the fact that he told me… But he should’ve told me prior to meeting.

He sent me a text today asking that I consider more with him once his divorce is final. I didn’t answer, nor will I

Next…. 

I was also talking to a guy who I really thought could be a serious contender… But he became so involved and intense before meeting that my alarm bells were going crazy.

I started to rationalize… Just say that he was probably lonely… Probably just trying to hard… And then I realized, one thing I promised myself

I was going to listen to my intuition 

No excuses for people


So I cancelled the date. I have to give him credit… he was a gentleman about it.

He offered an open door.

I don’t expect to use it… So why is it that I kind of liked having it there?

Anyway… I guess at least I’m out there trying