One of the greatest disappointments in my life was finding out that I was not going to be able to have children of my own. Biologically.
This combined with the implosion of my marriage, sent me into a tailspin. Looking back now, I don’t know why it has taken me six years to get to this place… but it has.
I am in a good space. I have made some great progress in my personal life, and my mental/emotional health.
I found this the other day… I’m not sure about having a higher calling… Although that does appeal to my ego 😎
But the timing was interesting… Because just before I found this, it occurred to me that however devastating my loss was… It changed my heart for others.
One of the things that I am the most proud of, is the lives that I have been able to touch, nurture, and love… Largely through my job.
I know that these young women would not have been my focus if things had been different.
This one is just funny.
But seriously, I like those stories where you see how one person can impact so many other lives like a domino… I’d like to think I’ve done that. I’d like to think I’m going to continue to do that.
I even think some or many of the conversations I have here in my mind can or will help someone.
Maybe that’s my purpose? I’ve been thinking a lot about that… Purpose.
I’m not sure I have one specifically. I try to leave people better than I found them.
All I know, is that today I see things differently. I see that maybe my loss had a purpose.
There is some healing there. A microscopic bit of understanding God’s larger plan.
I don’t know if that’s enough. But it’s more than it was yesterday
I have been going through some emotional darker spells these last couple weeks… and on Monday I felt compelled to go to the lake, even though it was overcast and supposed to rain.
As soon as I got there, I felt better. The clean air… My feet in the water… Listening to the birds… And then all of a sudden I saw a honeybee in the lake. It was clearly still alive, but exhausted and close to drowning.
I scooped it up and laid it on a rock, far from the water.
Since the day was cold and overcast, it took a long time for it to dry out and warm up enough to fly off… but eventually it did
I’m not sure how a little bee wound up in the lake… but I was sure I was supposed to find it.
And then when I was standing in the water, a butterfly came and flew all around me… Literally made my heart joyful.
But definitely not a visitor I’d expect there….
And then today…. it’s pouring rain and I’m outside with my dogs. We find a beautiful blue dragonfly in a puddle of water… obviously brought down by the storm.
I picked it up and carried it into a foyer area that was dry. Again, took a long time to be able to fly away but eventually it did.
( not my dragonfly or pic but close )
So, both times water brought me special visitors… and I’m a Scorpio, so water is fitting.
I find the symbolism of these interesting and thought I’d share.
I used to write a lot about fairytales. But I wrote about them from the same perspective that I’ve lived in my life… I wanted someone to save me.
At some point, I am going to write about being a babygirl/little and how the BDSM world impacted my mental health and life in a very unhealthy way… further exacerbating what was already a very bad place in my life.
For right now, I’m going to leave it at that… More to come in the future
Do not expect a BDSM general condemnation. That is not coming.
Anyway, I feel like every day I’m a healthier person… Every day I am more in control of my life. I still want the fairytale, but now I truly believe what this meme says.
I am creating the life of my dreams. Some parts like love are taking longer.
It’s really hard to be patient. I know that I have come a long way these last two years in learning to love and respect myself… And I know that that will eventually help lead me to the man of my dreams.
For now, I guess that still has to be me 🤣
so yeah, I will go ahead and clear this part up… Awesome ghosted on me.
But I think he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. As much as I miss sex, I just didn’t have that desire for him.
And guy #2
He did tell me about a medical issue he was dealing with, and asked me to wait for that to be resolved before we went out on a date… And that I’m fine with…
But he’s hot and he’s cold with his messages… I don’t take that personally, other than I feel like it’s more about him keeping his options open and probably not being in the market for a serious relationship like I am…
So, I have not written him off entirely… But I have scaled-back my hopes for this relationship.
I need someone who is consistent.
So, that’s where I’m at tonight.
Sending lots of love to everyone reading this. I did hear from a few people who have been struggling after my last post. I’m so very touched.
Please know that you are not alone no matter how alone you feel.
I was walking my two dogs tonight, on the beautiful trail by my house. It overlooks tons of sunflowers and Indian paintbrush…
I love that it’s pretty and quiet. I like listening to the sounds of nature. I like the smells.
I don’t know if this happens to anyone else… But lately sometimes when I’m outside and things are extremely beautiful, it doesn’t feel real to me. Feels like I’m in a painting. It feels like I’m looking at a picture.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s part of my own personal crazy 🤣
Anyway, I was walking along today and all of a sudden a thought crossed my mind… ” I love my life”
And stopped me in my tracks. Never before in my 49 years have I ever thought that.
Frankly, much of my life I prayed for it to be over.
And here I am, about to turn 50 and realizing that I love myself and I love my life!
This doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle with depression. I do. Yesterday was not a good day.
But today was. Today was a great day.
This post is especially for the people struggle with depression like me. For people who feel alone and broken…… Hopeless and unloved.
Know the whispers in the darkness are evil. They lie to you.
Scrape the bottom barrel, find your hope and hang on…
Because I have had many days where the voices told me it would be so much easier if I would just kill myself…
But not today. Today I love my life.
And I’m going to hang on to that