Saturday I went to the movies.
I went by myself, to a meet up group event for singles 40-50 age range. I was very nervous about going.
In the shower, I told myself that I was going to consciously think of every worst case scenario…
1- I might show up and no one would be there
2- I might show up but not find the group and have to sit alone
3- I might show up and tickets would be sold out
4- I might show up and no one would be friendly to me
That’s all I could think of.
This might sound like a negative exercise, but actually it’s extremely helpful for people who are anxious in social situations.
So the worst case scenario, I would’ve watched the movie by myself… Or I would’ve gone back home.
Either way, not really anything to be concerned with right??
But I was still nervous because that’s how I’m wired.
Another trick I’ve learned, but forgot that night… Instead of thinking you’re anxious, consider that energy excitement…
I could’ve said in my mind , or out loud, that I was excited to be going to the movies and potentially making new friends…
And repeated that until the anxiousness passed.
Actually, it would’ve been totally true. I was excited
But instead, I called my friend Jasmine who talked to me the entire way as I drove.
And my friend Darling sent me messages of support along the way too!!
How lucky am I to have this kind of love and support in my life?
By the way, if you are uncertain of making real friends off-line with people you meet here in WordPress… I will say to go for it!
I’ve had one experience that didn’t go as I would’ve hoped… But for that one experience, I have also had a handful that now are some of the biggest blessings in my life ❤️❤️❤️
Anyway… to get back on track. So I get to the movie theater and I buy my ticket. I get popcorn and a drink because I’m on a date with myself and I know I need to recognize that!
I go in the theater and I don’t see anyone. I sit by myself, and I realize that’s OK. It’s not nearly as bad or scary as I thought it was going to be.
A little while later, three women come in.. they sit behind me, and before too long we realize this was the group I was looking for!
One of them invited me to come back a row, and I did. All three were extremely nice. The girl I sat next to seemed eager to make a new friend of me, and that was nice.
The movie itself wasn’t anything spectacular. Yesterday… Being a Beatles fan I really wanted to love it, but I just didn’t.
But at the end of the day, it didn’t matter anyway.
I now feel a little more confident going to the next event… And my new friend messaged me the next day, and invited me to her church service.
It was too late for me to make it that day, but I did agree to come another time.
So I’m changing… And I’m changing my life… Step-by-step, and with a little ( Lot ) help from my friends ❤️
OK I totally picked that picture because I think it’s pretty… But also, it kind of fits what my friend Scarlet told me yesterday about crying
See she called me yesterday after reading my posts… but really, she’d know even if she hadn’t read them. We are connected like that.
So I was at a level of agitation that pretty much I answered the phone with hostility…
And when I am at that level of anger, it’s just barely masking a meltdown.
Which I had. I don’t like to cry. I was raised to believe that’s weak. I don’t believe that for anyone besides myself… But of course, holding myself to unrealistic standards and expectations… Yeah well that’s just standard operating procedure. 😐
Anyway, we had a good talk… and when I hung up the phone, I was looking for a meditation to help me sleep… I happened upon this instead.
Just to clarify, I don’t think Doomsday is a bad person… nor do I think he had bad intent.
I think we both made some mistakes…. and that’s OK. I’m going to learn from them.
But this video did open my eyes a little bit more to some of my mistakes. I’m sharing in case anyone else needs the information
I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic home. I didn’t date in high school. I had two long standing relationships in my twenties… I didn’t say they were healthy, just long-standing mind you …
and, then I got married and spent my thirties and early forties married.
So I never really learned how to date. So I’m learning now. I guess better late than never
Anyway, thank you all for your well wishes.
I’m not looking to rush back into dating at the moment… but I know I will again at some point.
Would it be wrong to say the thing I’m most disappointed about is that I’m not going to get to have sex anytime soon ? 🤷♀️
I wish I didn’t feel like revisiting FWB would be a bad move for me.
Anyway…. ❤️ today is a better day. And I am reminded of my blessings
So, I noticed the other day that a long time friend on Fet Life ( kinky FB kind of ) lives very close to one of my life long best friends…
He is someone that used to date a friendly acquaintance of mine… And someone that I have talked to, and respected for years.
And it occurred to me that their weirdness just might be compatible.
Only she runs more in the “vanilla ” ( non kink ) world…. But, She knows about me and my desires… And has never judged me…
I felt like if these things happened organically, she could make her own choices… Follow her own desires…
Like me, she has been healing from old wounds…and lost in hibernation mode. Him too…
They were both interested in talking…
So I took his number and gave it to her.
That was yesterday. Today they talked..,
And today, they played a game on me… And pretended they didn’t hit it off… So of course I was feeling really badly.
I was wondering why I opened that door…
And then they told me that they had talked for over three hours, and they were having dinner on Monday night. They both really liked each other.
So taking a chance worked out good.
I’ve been talking to someone myself. Only for a few days… But I like him, and I’m interested… And I’m taking a chance too
Scary. It’s hard to be vulnerable.
But I tell myself that the only way to get what I really want us to walk through the fear.
I haven’t really heard from him today… And that makes me sad a little… But people have lives and it’s early…
And, I know I’m going to be OK either way.
so, cross your fingers for my friends. They have their first date soon
I watched this movie tonight… Amazon movie. At one point I was thinking how terrible it was… how dark and depressing…But then all the pieces connected.… And then you see the beauty… the love.
That’s life… Life itself. Yes.
Some of my life’s domino pieces lately..
}1) My Mom was rushed to the hospital with what we believed to be a heart attack.
If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that we have a difficult relationship and history.
Hearing this news kicked all the air out of my lungs… I found myself on my knees in my kitchen.
Turned out to be broken heart syndrome.
I don’t know that it was any one particular thing… She has been caring for my dad at physical expense to her… they are elderly and have lost many loved ones… Etc. etc.
#2) Mom is home recovering but weak. We plan an early family Christmas party at their senior facility. Dinner had been eaten, and presents were being opened.
I saw my Dad slump. I don’t know if I sensed it before I saw it… I feel like I did.
He was having bad pain in his chest and down his arm. He was having trouble breathing.
One thing that is good about me… I’m great under pressure. I was by his side almost immediately. I remember family wanting to move him, and me refusing to let that happen. He didn’t want to move, and I felt like doing that was just going to cause him additional pain and stress.
One of my sister in laws said that we needed to call the paramedics… She was right. It was only when I told my oldest brother to call, that it got done.
I don’t say that to toot my own horn. I’m really just processing.
A lot of times I feel like I am overlooked or ignored within my family. I keep quiet. I keep my opinions to myself largely. Maybe that’s why it’s different when I speak up?
I don’t remember a lot of other things from that night. I remember a lot of hugs between me and my brothers. I remember walking out of the room while the paramedics were taking care of him… I remember being told not to let them see me cry. No one had to tell me that. I learned that a long time ago.
It was a very long night. Dad went from the emergency room to surgery.
Turns out the pain was diverticulitis… He had a hole in his intestines. Air was getting in the gut, and he had infection.
We left the hospital about 1 AM. He was in surgery, and we were all exhausted… So we went home presumably to sleep, and wait for the surgeons call.
My dad is 90. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that he wouldn’t make it through surgery.
I have some special gifts that allow me to see or know things… but this doesn’t work in regards to myself. Especially when I am distraught.
So I am feeling all kinds of freaked out… wondering if these feelings are indicators or just emotion run wild.
He made it through the surgery. It’s been 11 days in the hospital since.
I spent Christmas Day in the hospital with him. My brothers all have families of their own, and my Mom is still recovering.. so I got to spend a lot of it alone with him.
I remember thinking about other Christmas days.… Other times when I felt sorry for myself
Nothing like being faced with loss to realize all the blessings you really have in your life.
He sleeps the majority of the time. He wakes confused. Wants to know what happened… Where he is… Wants to go home.
He is always happy to see me. Truly happy. The kind you feel. I feel it.
We don’t do a lot of talking that day. Actually we haven’t done a lot of talking since. He doesn’t have much energy to speak… When he does, it’s usually in a whisper. I’m happy to be near and just watch him sleep.
He has good days and not so good days. Sometimes they are the same day. It’s hard. But it’s precious time. I know he knows we are there.
Today he was moved to a rehabilitation hospital. My brothers say 18 days there and then assisted living.
I don’t know. Dad is even more confused and upset. He wants to go home. He wants my Mom.
All my senses say he doesn’t have long. I don’t say this to my brothers. I wonder if they think I’m in denial the same way that I think they are?
I wonder if I need to tell him it’s OK to go. I wonder if I should. Mostly I think that he doesn’t want to leave my mom. I also don’t think she’s ready to let him go.
#3) plot twist. I met a guy last year that I liked, but it never seemed to go anywhere.
I think I wrote about him? I need to go see… Anyway, somewhere between life event number one and number two he contacted me again.
He told me that he owed me an apology… That he has basically been dating himself for the last year ( I can totally identify!! ) and that he had really been struggling after his mom died.
I was aware his mom had died. I had reached out.
Anyway, we texted a little bit… I remember thinking that I was just going to be completely honest and transparent… Which I was. I was really struggling and I told him that. I figured I had nothing to lose.
He told me to call him if I wanted to talk. I remember thinking, well here we go…
I’m going to be open to this person.
So I called him. We had a really good conversation. It was obvious that he had completely braced himself for anger.
I had none.
I told him I just had assumed he wasn’t interested. Why should I be angry about that?
He told me about his mom and some things that are going on in his family regarding her passing.
I told him about what was going on with my mom… And about our relationship, and the grudges I had been holding. How I was feeling that I needed to let them go..
He encouraged me to do that. And I have.
I have had some quality time with her since all this occurred. Our relationship is completely different now.
I don’t know how it works exactly… Those grudges I’ve been holding… They just fell away. It’s almost like I could literally feel the weight removed.
It’s not gone. It’s transmuted. I see those moments through different eyes. I see them now through understanding and compassion… Through knowing that they were human and did their best… they passed on what was said and done to them.
I see it knowing that none of it means anything now.
I told her the other day that my oldest brother was the sweetest and most thoughtful… And she agreed… But then she told me that I was right up there too.
And I was shocked. I don’t see myself as thoughtful. I definitely didn’t think she would. Feels
So anyway….. Back to him.
We have not talked on the phone again, but we have texted consistently. He invited me to a New Year’s Eve thing, but I had nothing left. I was running on negative fumes.
Work has been good but crazy busy. Trying to balance that with everything going on in my personal life has taken A toll.
I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been meditating. I haven’t taken a bath… In short, I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.
I have a long weekend ahead where I don’t have to work. I’m really hoping that I can get myself into a more Zen state.
I’m hoping we can have a second date soon.
I don’t know if this is a love connection, although I suspect it might be.
What I do know, Is that I need someone to be there for me.
I think at the very least…. he’s going to be the kind of friend I need in my life right now.
So the answer to that question… When am I going to get out of my own way?
Seems to be when life itself brings me to my knees
So, I’m back off the apps.
I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway
That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.
A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”
So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.
I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?
All signs point to NO
And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.
I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.
I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.
Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.
I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.
Let’s repeat . Hard
But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.
When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.
This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.
I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.
OK. Scratch the word normal.
What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.
For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.
I say significant, meaning life crippling.
Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.
Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.
And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.
Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.
I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…
My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.
I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol
But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.
So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.
He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.
But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎
Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )
Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…
So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.
It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.
Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.
He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…
No mention of girlfriend.
I don’t know.
I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.
I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.
I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.
I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.
Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.
But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.
Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…
even if it never goes farther than here.
Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.
so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️
I think it’s fair to say that I am a woman of depth. I don’t like the shallows.
You know when you swim deep down… You feel like your lungs are going to explode, but you push yourself anyway…
Finally, you come up for air …..and it’s incredible.
Breathing is new. You’re alive.
That’s where I live… This water dance.
I used to feel shame at my darkness. I thought it made me bad. But it does not. It makes me balanced… And makes my moments of light all that much brighter
Anyway… Sometimes when I’m down there in my thoughts, things that I think are truths actually aren’t.
Something I’m learning about intuition as well…… Sometimes it’s not that your intuition is wrong… It’s that you’re listening to something else… fear, doubt, insecurity… evil lies … When you’re in those moments, it’s easy to be confused. And once your mind goes there… It’s easy to go chasing further down that rabbit hole…
Lately I have been doubting some of my friend’s feelings for me. Not just my friends…..but some of my very best friends.
The reality of this is that it goes back to a very, very old wound.. it goes back to my mother telling me that my friends didn’t really like me.
A child’s heart was broken. Was she right? I don’t know. As an adult I can see that she was probably trying to protect me. Life gets messy. Wrong words are chosen.
Anyway, in the last week I have been on the ascent back up… I have started to see that I was wrong. Sometimes people don’t love us the way that we want them to… The way that we think we need them to…… But it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us.
Life often gets in the way of good intentions.
I was listening to a reading today and this exact thing was addressed… And this speaker was kind of laughing about how much these people actually do adore us…. and I find myself laughing too. It IS silly.
Day progresses and I decided to take a nice long bath. I have a beautiful garden tub… One of my favorite things on earth.
pink Himalayan bath salts and very hot water… and heaven ❤️ These two are my favorites!
( in case you are not aware… Salt bath are excellent for spiritual cleansing- Empaths especially take note )
After this, I was feeling very calm and loving… I decided to send my friends love.
I did this meditation laying on my bed, with my eyes closed. And about halfway through, I began to cry.
I was crying because I could literally feel the love I was sending out into the world returning back to me.
Pretty amazing experience.
I am attaching the video for anyone who would like to try it.
It seems fitting at Thanksgiving to put a little more love into the world ❤️ 🌎 I really hope you try it.
PS- I know this is long and rambling… But I wanted to put it out anyway. I also thought about taking the bath part out… But I feel like it was important for someone to get that information