A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

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Rambling of Love

I think it’s fair to say that I am a woman of depth. I don’t like the shallows.

You know when you swim deep down… You feel like your lungs are going to explode, but you push yourself anyway…

Finally, you come up for air …..and it’s incredible.

Breathing is new. You’re alive.

That’s where I live… This water dance.

I used to feel shame at my darkness. I thought it made me bad. But it does not. It makes me balanced… And makes my moments of light all that much brighter

Anyway… Sometimes when I’m down there in my thoughts, things that I think are truths actually aren’t.

Something I’m learning about intuition as well…… Sometimes it’s not that your intuition is wrong… It’s that you’re listening to something else… fear, doubt, insecurity… evil lies … When you’re in those moments, it’s easy to be confused. And once your mind goes there… It’s easy to go chasing further down that rabbit hole…

Lately I have been doubting some of my friend’s feelings for me. Not just my friends…..but some of my very best friends.

The reality of this is that it goes back to a very, very old wound.. it goes back to my mother telling me that my friends didn’t really like me.

A child’s heart was broken. Was she right? I don’t know. As an adult I can see that she was probably trying to protect me. Life gets messy. Wrong words are chosen.

Anyway, in the last week I have been on the ascent back up… I have started to see that I was wrong. Sometimes people don’t love us the way that we want them to… The way that we think we need them to…… But it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us.

Life often gets in the way of good intentions.

I was listening to a reading today and this exact thing was addressed… And this speaker was kind of laughing about how much these people actually do adore us…. and I find myself laughing too. It IS silly.

Day progresses and I decided to take a nice long bath. I have a beautiful garden tub… One of my favorite things on earth.

pink Himalayan bath salts and very hot water… and heaven ❤️ These two are my favorites!

( in case you are not aware… Salt bath are excellent for spiritual cleansing- Empaths especially take note )

After this, I was feeling very calm and loving… I decided to send my friends love.

I did this meditation laying on my bed, with my eyes closed. And about halfway through, I began to cry.

I was crying because I could literally feel the love I was sending out into the world returning back to me.

Pretty amazing experience.

I am attaching the video for anyone who would like to try it.

https://youtu.be/Vv_co-zSE4I

It seems fitting at Thanksgiving to put a little more love into the world ❤️ 🌎 I really hope you try it.

PS- I know this is long and rambling… But I wanted to put it out anyway. I also thought about taking the bath part out… But I feel like it was important for someone to get that information

Realizations

One of the greatest disappointments in my life was finding out that I was not going to be able to have children of my own. Biologically.

This combined with the implosion of my marriage, sent me into a tailspin. Looking back now, I don’t know why it has taken me six years to get to this place… but it has.

I am in a good space. I have made some great progress in my personal life, and my mental/emotional health.

I found this the other day… I’m not sure about having a higher calling… Although that does appeal to my ego 😎

But the timing was interesting… Because just before I found this, it occurred to me that however devastating my loss was… It changed my heart for others.

One of the things that I am the most proud of, is the lives that I have been able to touch, nurture, and love… Largely through my job.

I know that these young women would not have been my focus if things had been different.

This one is just funny.

But seriously, I like those stories where you see how one person can impact so many other lives like a domino… I’d like to think I’ve done that. I’d like to think I’m going to continue to do that.

I even think some or many of the conversations I have here in my mind can or will help someone.

Maybe that’s my purpose? I’ve been thinking a lot about that… Purpose.

I’m not sure I have one specifically. I try to leave people better than I found them.

All I know, is that today I see things differently. I see that maybe my loss had a purpose.

There is some healing there. A microscopic bit of understanding God’s larger plan.

I don’t know if that’s enough. But it’s more than it was yesterday

Some magic moments

I have been going through some emotional darker spells these last couple weeks… and on Monday I felt compelled to go to the lake, even though it was overcast and supposed to rain.

As soon as I got there, I felt better. The clean air… My feet in the water… Listening to the birds… And then all of a sudden I saw a honeybee in the lake. It was clearly still alive, but exhausted and close to drowning.

I scooped it up and laid it on a rock, far from the water.

Since the day was cold and overcast, it took a long time for it to dry out and warm up enough to fly off… but eventually it did

I’m not sure how a little bee wound up in the lake… but I was sure I was supposed to find it.

And then when I was standing in the water, a butterfly came and flew all around me… Literally made my heart joyful.

But definitely not a visitor I’d expect there….

And then today…. it’s pouring rain and I’m outside with my dogs. We find a beautiful blue dragonfly in a puddle of water… obviously brought down by the storm.

I picked it up and carried it into a foyer area that was dry. Again, took a long time to be able to fly away but eventually it did.

( not my dragonfly or pic but close )

So, both times water brought me special visitors… and I’m a Scorpio, so water is fitting.

I find the symbolism of these interesting and thought I’d share.

A revised fairy tale

I used to write a lot about fairytales. But I wrote about them from the same perspective that I’ve lived in my life… I wanted someone to save me.

At some point, I am going to write about being a babygirl/little and how the BDSM world impacted my mental health and life in a very unhealthy way… further exacerbating what was already a very bad place in my life.

For right now, I’m going to leave it at that… More to come in the future

Do not expect a BDSM general condemnation. That is not coming.

Anyway, I feel like every day I’m a healthier person… Every day I am more in control of my life. I still want the fairytale, but now I truly believe what this meme says.

I am creating the life of my dreams. Some parts like love are taking longer.

It’s really hard to be patient. I know that I have come a long way these last two years in learning to love and respect myself… And I know that that will eventually help lead me to the man of my dreams.

For now, I guess that still has to be me 🤣

so yeah, I will go ahead and clear this part up… Awesome ghosted on me.

But I think he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. As much as I miss sex, I just didn’t have that desire for him.

And guy #2

He did tell me about a medical issue he was dealing with, and asked me to wait for that to be resolved before we went out on a date… And that I’m fine with…

But he’s hot and he’s cold with his messages… I don’t take that personally, other than I feel like it’s more about him keeping his options open and probably not being in the market for a serious relationship like I am…

So, I have not written him off entirely… But I have scaled-back my hopes for this relationship.

I need someone who is consistent.

So, that’s where I’m at tonight.

Sending lots of love to everyone reading this. I did hear from a few people who have been struggling after my last post. I’m so very touched.

Please know that you are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

Xoxo 💋