Easter Reflections

I’ve been reflecting this weekend on the Easter message.

Actually, Messages. Plural .

Unconditional love. Love on a level that I can hardly fathom.

I can still remember the first sermon the day I returned to church … ” You can’t out sin God.”

I sat there in that church, tears streaming down my face.

The devil lies to us. We sin and we feel shame and he whispers that we can never be forgiven … that we are unloveable… and if we listen, we can get lost in the darkness

But God has already forgiven our sins.

Regardless of what we’ve done.

Sometimes you just have to have faith.

Everything is possible. There is always hope. We don’t have to live in darkness. We are not our sins.. they have been wiped clean

Something I have reflected on many times in my own life….

days of darkness when I didn’t think I would make it through… Times when I had all but given up… Stuck in my own pain and fear…

Imagine the pain and fear Jesus has to feel… the darkness and despair.

It is finished.

On the other side of the darkness is dawn. Renewal. Victory. Beginnings.

I woke up early this morning and was walking my dog… The birds were singing, there was dew in the grass… a breeze floating through the air and sunlight on my hair…

And just for a moment…. In the quiet enjoyment of these things, I knew I was walking with God.

Just for a moment, I was in heaven. Except my Sandy, Bluebell and Doc.

On the day that my walk is finished, I hope they greet me. ❤️ Like my God, I know they live again too.

Happy Easter my friends. It’s a new day

❤️

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If you believe

I’ve been stressed this week. I had a problem that felt insurmountable. I’ve worked the problem over and over in my mind… Day and night.

I came up with a scenario that would fix it…. felt almost like daydreaming… It was such an unlikely scenario…

I almost asked for help, but decided against it.

Yesterday afternoon, my perfect little scenario dropped in my lap.

I often worry about being on my own… But every time I need, God provides.

Even when I worry rather than ask.

Signs

I spent Saturday with my best friend… We just hung out and talked at her house, and then watched some Netflix together… Oh and of course wine… Lots of wine 🍷

Her husband and daughter were there as well… They feel like family. They are my family.

My best friend knows everything there is to know about me. In many ways, I feel like she is my true soulmate.

Leaving and driving home with Wyatt…( my dog ) I was thinking about the differences in our lives.

She has all the things in life that I wish I had… And she deserves every one of them. She has worked hard for every relationship and every material thing.

So I look at it more as wishful thinking than envy.

I wonder what God’s plan is for my life.

Sunday I woke up and felt lonely… The guy I was excited about talking to, really cooled since Thursday night.

There could be 1 million reasons why… But at the end of the day , it doesn’t really matter why…

I stopped myself… I wasn’t going to feel sad… I was going to feel glad.

So I took Wyatt and we went to one of the places that I love.

As a Scorpio, and empath… I need water to breathe. To cleanse and heal my soul.

To feel God

So which path to take?

Of course I took the trail less traveled

Just before we went down this trail, I found a large piece of driftwood.

Perfect for moving brush aside… And also should I potentially come across a snake.

At least that’s what I told myself 😀

Interesting to note the symbolism of driftwood….

Well down this path, we found some interesting things

I don’t know what it is… Or why it’s by the lake…

And then I found this:

It was on the ground… But I knew it was a sign… And I knew someone else might come along …..and need the same sign, so I raised it

This is what I was listening to :

I don’t know why my life works out the way it does… But I do know that I will have who and what God wants me to have… in his time

It occurred to me that every single person that crosses my path teaches me a lesson along the way… And maybe that’s their only purpose.

I only talked to him briefly… But I wanted to be less guarded… More Vulnerable… more true to who I am and what I want

I wanted to let someone in.

And I was trying…. I feel like this is what God wanted me to see

Some other pics from my Glad day

That last one… that’s my 💜 that’s GLAD ❤️

Matchmaker

So, I noticed the other day that a long time friend on Fet Life ( kinky FB kind of ) lives very close to one of my life long best friends…

He is someone that used to date a friendly acquaintance of mine… And someone that I have talked to, and respected for years.

And it occurred to me that their weirdness just might be compatible.

Only she runs more in the “vanilla ” ( non kink ) world…. But, She knows about me and my desires… And has never judged me…

I felt like if these things happened organically, she could make her own choices… Follow her own desires…

Like me, she has been healing from old wounds…and lost in hibernation mode. Him too…

They were both interested in talking…

So I took his number and gave it to her.

That was yesterday. Today they talked..,

And today, they played a game on me… And pretended they didn’t hit it off… So of course I was feeling really badly.

I was wondering why I opened that door…

And then they told me that they had talked for over three hours, and they were having dinner on Monday night. They both really liked each other.

So taking a chance worked out good.

I’ve been talking to someone myself. Only for a few days… But I like him, and I’m interested… And I’m taking a chance too

Scary. It’s hard to be vulnerable.

But I tell myself that the only way to get what I really want us to walk through the fear.

I haven’t really heard from him today… And that makes me sad a little… But people have lives and it’s early…

And, I know I’m going to be OK either way.

❤️

so, cross your fingers for my friends. They have their first date soon

Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋