Easter Reflections

I’ve been reflecting this weekend on the Easter message.

Actually, Messages. Plural .

Unconditional love. Love on a level that I can hardly fathom.

I can still remember the first sermon the day I returned to church … ” You can’t out sin God.”

I sat there in that church, tears streaming down my face.

The devil lies to us. We sin and we feel shame and he whispers that we can never be forgiven … that we are unloveable… and if we listen, we can get lost in the darkness

But God has already forgiven our sins.

Regardless of what we’ve done.

Sometimes you just have to have faith.

Everything is possible. There is always hope. We don’t have to live in darkness. We are not our sins.. they have been wiped clean

Something I have reflected on many times in my own life….

days of darkness when I didn’t think I would make it through… Times when I had all but given up… Stuck in my own pain and fear…

Imagine the pain and fear Jesus has to feel… the darkness and despair.

It is finished.

On the other side of the darkness is dawn. Renewal. Victory. Beginnings.

I woke up early this morning and was walking my dog… The birds were singing, there was dew in the grass… a breeze floating through the air and sunlight on my hair…

And just for a moment…. In the quiet enjoyment of these things, I knew I was walking with God.

Just for a moment, I was in heaven. Except my Sandy, Bluebell and Doc.

On the day that my walk is finished, I hope they greet me. ❤️ Like my God, I know they live again too.

Happy Easter my friends. It’s a new day

❤️

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Signs

I spent Saturday with my best friend… We just hung out and talked at her house, and then watched some Netflix together… Oh and of course wine… Lots of wine 🍷

Her husband and daughter were there as well… They feel like family. They are my family.

My best friend knows everything there is to know about me. In many ways, I feel like she is my true soulmate.

Leaving and driving home with Wyatt…( my dog ) I was thinking about the differences in our lives.

She has all the things in life that I wish I had… And she deserves every one of them. She has worked hard for every relationship and every material thing.

So I look at it more as wishful thinking than envy.

I wonder what God’s plan is for my life.

Sunday I woke up and felt lonely… The guy I was excited about talking to, really cooled since Thursday night.

There could be 1 million reasons why… But at the end of the day , it doesn’t really matter why…

I stopped myself… I wasn’t going to feel sad… I was going to feel glad.

So I took Wyatt and we went to one of the places that I love.

As a Scorpio, and empath… I need water to breathe. To cleanse and heal my soul.

To feel God

So which path to take?

Of course I took the trail less traveled

Just before we went down this trail, I found a large piece of driftwood.

Perfect for moving brush aside… And also should I potentially come across a snake.

At least that’s what I told myself 😀

Interesting to note the symbolism of driftwood….

Well down this path, we found some interesting things

I don’t know what it is… Or why it’s by the lake…

And then I found this:

It was on the ground… But I knew it was a sign… And I knew someone else might come along …..and need the same sign, so I raised it

This is what I was listening to :

I don’t know why my life works out the way it does… But I do know that I will have who and what God wants me to have… in his time

It occurred to me that every single person that crosses my path teaches me a lesson along the way… And maybe that’s their only purpose.

I only talked to him briefly… But I wanted to be less guarded… More Vulnerable… more true to who I am and what I want

I wanted to let someone in.

And I was trying…. I feel like this is what God wanted me to see

Some other pics from my Glad day

That last one… that’s my 💜 that’s GLAD ❤️

Matchmaker

So, I noticed the other day that a long time friend on Fet Life ( kinky FB kind of ) lives very close to one of my life long best friends…

He is someone that used to date a friendly acquaintance of mine… And someone that I have talked to, and respected for years.

And it occurred to me that their weirdness just might be compatible.

Only she runs more in the “vanilla ” ( non kink ) world…. But, She knows about me and my desires… And has never judged me…

I felt like if these things happened organically, she could make her own choices… Follow her own desires…

Like me, she has been healing from old wounds…and lost in hibernation mode. Him too…

They were both interested in talking…

So I took his number and gave it to her.

That was yesterday. Today they talked..,

And today, they played a game on me… And pretended they didn’t hit it off… So of course I was feeling really badly.

I was wondering why I opened that door…

And then they told me that they had talked for over three hours, and they were having dinner on Monday night. They both really liked each other.

So taking a chance worked out good.

I’ve been talking to someone myself. Only for a few days… But I like him, and I’m interested… And I’m taking a chance too

Scary. It’s hard to be vulnerable.

But I tell myself that the only way to get what I really want us to walk through the fear.

I haven’t really heard from him today… And that makes me sad a little… But people have lives and it’s early…

And, I know I’m going to be OK either way.

❤️

so, cross your fingers for my friends. They have their first date soon

Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

Life …. Itself

I watched this movie tonight… Amazon movie. At one point I was thinking how terrible it was… how dark and depressing…But then all the pieces connected.… And then you see the beauty… the love.

That’s life… Life itself. Yes.

Some of my life’s domino pieces lately..

}1) My Mom was rushed to the hospital with what we believed to be a heart attack.

If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that we have a difficult relationship and history.

Hearing this news kicked all the air out of my lungs… I found myself on my knees in my kitchen.

Turned out to be broken heart syndrome.

I don’t know that it was any one particular thing… She has been caring for my dad at physical expense to her… they are elderly and have lost many loved ones… Etc. etc.

#2) Mom is home recovering but weak. We plan an early family Christmas party at their senior facility. Dinner had been eaten, and presents were being opened.

I saw my Dad slump. I don’t know if I sensed it before I saw it… I feel like I did.

He was having bad pain in his chest and down his arm. He was having trouble breathing.

One thing that is good about me… I’m great under pressure. I was by his side almost immediately. I remember family wanting to move him, and me refusing to let that happen. He didn’t want to move, and I felt like doing that was just going to cause him additional pain and stress.

One of my sister in laws said that we needed to call the paramedics… She was right. It was only when I told my oldest brother to call, that it got done.

I don’t say that to toot my own horn. I’m really just processing.

A lot of times I feel like I am overlooked or ignored within my family. I keep quiet. I keep my opinions to myself largely. Maybe that’s why it’s different when I speak up?

I don’t remember a lot of other things from that night. I remember a lot of hugs between me and my brothers. I remember walking out of the room while the paramedics were taking care of him… I remember being told not to let them see me cry. No one had to tell me that. I learned that a long time ago.

It was a very long night. Dad went from the emergency room to surgery.

Turns out the pain was diverticulitis… He had a hole in his intestines. Air was getting in the gut, and he had infection.

We left the hospital about 1 AM. He was in surgery, and we were all exhausted… So we went home presumably to sleep, and wait for the surgeons call.

My dad is 90. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that he wouldn’t make it through surgery.

I have some special gifts that allow me to see or know things… but this doesn’t work in regards to myself. Especially when I am distraught.

So I am feeling all kinds of freaked out… wondering if these feelings are indicators or just emotion run wild.

He made it through the surgery. It’s been 11 days in the hospital since.

I spent Christmas Day in the hospital with him. My brothers all have families of their own, and my Mom is still recovering.. so I got to spend a lot of it alone with him.

I remember thinking about other Christmas days.… Other times when I felt sorry for myself

Nothing like being faced with loss to realize all the blessings you really have in your life.

He sleeps the majority of the time. He wakes confused. Wants to know what happened… Where he is… Wants to go home.

He is always happy to see me. Truly happy. The kind you feel. I feel it.

We don’t do a lot of talking that day. Actually we haven’t done a lot of talking since. He doesn’t have much energy to speak… When he does, it’s usually in a whisper. I’m happy to be near and just watch him sleep.

He has good days and not so good days. Sometimes they are the same day. It’s hard. But it’s precious time. I know he knows we are there.

Today he was moved to a rehabilitation hospital. My brothers say 18 days there and then assisted living.

I don’t know. Dad is even more confused and upset. He wants to go home. He wants my Mom.

All my senses say he doesn’t have long. I don’t say this to my brothers. I wonder if they think I’m in denial the same way that I think they are?

I wonder if I need to tell him it’s OK to go. I wonder if I should. Mostly I think that he doesn’t want to leave my mom. I also don’t think she’s ready to let him go.

#3) plot twist. I met a guy last year that I liked, but it never seemed to go anywhere.

I think I wrote about him? I need to go see… Anyway, somewhere between life event number one and number two he contacted me again.

He told me that he owed me an apology… That he has basically been dating himself for the last year ( I can totally identify!! ) and that he had really been struggling after his mom died.

I was aware his mom had died. I had reached out.

Anyway, we texted a little bit… I remember thinking that I was just going to be completely honest and transparent… Which I was. I was really struggling and I told him that. I figured I had nothing to lose.

He told me to call him if I wanted to talk. I remember thinking, well here we go…

I’m going to be open to this person.

So I called him. We had a really good conversation. It was obvious that he had completely braced himself for anger.

I had none.

I told him I just had assumed he wasn’t interested. Why should I be angry about that?

He told me about his mom and some things that are going on in his family regarding her passing.

I told him about what was going on with my mom… And about our relationship, and the grudges I had been holding. How I was feeling that I needed to let them go..

He encouraged me to do that. And I have.

I have had some quality time with her since all this occurred. Our relationship is completely different now.

I don’t know how it works exactly… Those grudges I’ve been holding… They just fell away. It’s almost like I could literally feel the weight removed.

It’s not gone. It’s transmuted. I see those moments through different eyes. I see them now through understanding and compassion… Through knowing that they were human and did their best… they passed on what was said and done to them.

I see it knowing that none of it means anything now.

I told her the other day that my oldest brother was the sweetest and most thoughtful… And she agreed… But then she told me that I was right up there too.

And I was shocked. I don’t see myself as thoughtful. I definitely didn’t think she would. Feels

So anyway….. Back to him.

We have not talked on the phone again, but we have texted consistently. He invited me to a New Year’s Eve thing, but I had nothing left. I was running on negative fumes.

Work has been good but crazy busy. Trying to balance that with everything going on in my personal life has taken A toll.

I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been meditating. I haven’t taken a bath… In short, I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.

I have a long weekend ahead where I don’t have to work. I’m really hoping that I can get myself into a more Zen state.

I’m hoping we can have a second date soon.

I don’t know if this is a love connection, although I suspect it might be.

What I do know, Is that I need someone to be there for me.

I think at the very least…. he’s going to be the kind of friend I need in my life right now.

So the answer to that question… When am I going to get out of my own way?

Seems to be when life itself brings me to my knees

❤️