Depression and Spiritual awakening

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Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

Lost and found

I was thinking back to when I stopped writing… and I realized it was after my last relationship ended.

I was, and remain, proud of myself for walking away from something that didn’t serve me. That alone was a change.

This change sparked something else in me…  I decided that I needed to take time for myself. I was going to step back from dating. Focus on what makes me happy, and healthy… Focus on being a better person and friend….

How much time? Lots of time. I debated six months…a year…. settled on waiting until my birthday in November…. For whatever reason, that feels right to me.

I don’t think one truly moves forward until they have settled the past. So that’s where I started. I looked at all of my relationships… what worked, what didn’t…

For the past few years I have been in several relationships…. many/most/all ? of which had a D/s and BDSM basis. I thought this was what I wanted. But, the fact of the matter is that none of these relationships were healthy for me.

Another fact… I was not healthy.

Wanting someone to be my “Daddy”… to take care of me…. it ended up being a slippery slope into a river of quicksand that was drowning me. The more of my power I gave away… the more lost I felt. There’s a definite healthy/unhealthy zone there but I had no idea where it was. Hell, I had no idea who I was anymore. Not really.

Cart…. .horse…. ? I’m not sure. What I am sure of, is that the combination was really, really bad.

So, when was I truly happy? What did that look like?

I am a submissive female in my relationships. That seems to be how I am wired. But I haven’t found my happiness searching specifically for these types of relationships. It has dawned on me that I was happiest when these relationships developed organically… where things didn’t have labels… They weren’t about lifestyle. They were just us. Being us.

I honestly don’t know that I believe in “kinky or lifestyle” dating anymore. I think the more clear minded I become, the more I believe that these dynamics really only function well, or fully,  in committed relationships… aka live in, or married. When the “vanilla” and firm foundation has already been laid. In some of these contexts, I see some truly beautiful relationship dynamics and growth. In some of these, I see bits of myself…. or what I want for myself rather.

I’m not foolish enough to say that’s true for everyone. I can think of at least one outlier here… but, I am going to say that I think it’s true for most. Just my opinion.

I think for too many singles, it is putting the intimacy before the relationship. I know it was for me. Each time it didn’t work, I felt more and more despair. Lost. Broken.

And the submission part of it…  It wasn’t something that was happening naturally, like with my first, or even second, love. It was something I was consciously choosing to do… I think hoping to recreate what I once had. But it doesn’t work that way. Especially when you try to force it. Nope. Just doesn’t.

Now, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m having one with myself. Probably for the first time in my life. I’ve stopped being so afraid of life. Afraid of people. I spend time with girlfriends now. I talk on the phone. I do things that are out of my comfort zone.

What else… I have become very successful in my company. I’m in a great place financially. Better than I have ever dared to dream for myself… By myself.

Today I found out that a group of providers will donate a day of care to military veterans …. After two years of trying to get this done…. I am beyond grateful, happy and proud…. I have a few months to do the prep work now and make this a success…. but what a blessing to be able to be a part of something for such a special group.

So… yeah, my life is full right now.

I almost forgot… I joined weight watchers and I’m down 15 pounds after four weeks. I have a lot more to go ( about 75 ideally ) but I’m feeling good about where I’m at. I’m learning balance and better eating habits. Real food… I’ve even started cooking again.

So… right now, life is about being healthy and happy. It’s about living again. It’s about me liking and being proud of who I am.

I’m not sure how much I am going to write anymore. I’m not sure if I want to. I’m not sure what I’d have to say or contribute.

I do know I have a lot of love for so many of you. Thank you for so much more than I can say.

Cinn

 

And release

So on Valentine’s Day I looked down at my phone and noticed I had a facebook messenger request. From my ex husband.

Hi. I need to ask a favor.

Hmm. Interesting. Our divorce anniversary was 5 years on Feb 8th. I was still a little sad… but finally I’m getting to a better place with it.

Turns out, what he wanted was a copy of our marriage license and my baptismal certificate…. Because he is dating a Catholic girl, and according to her religion, he is still married. Clearly he did not explain things right to her, because actually according to the church, we were never really married to begin with.

Um, yeah… I’m Catholic. Not a practicing one. One that as he would so eloquently state in the same conversation ” hates the church“…. Which yeah, I kinda do… but anyway…

So… he continues to tell me why he wants this.

I have to make them happy. That’s why I need this. Never dated a hard core Christian, but I think it’s a lesson I need to learn… even though it probably won’t work out. I have to show I was willing to do everything. It’s hard to explain… you know I’m complicated. But I have made better strides to God because of her.

Yeah, ouch. But it’s true. I’m far more sinner than saint. She’s a better woman than me. At least that’s what my heart heard. Maybe it’s true. IDK.

The other thing my heart heard… willing to do everything. Everything. That elusive thing I never got. He didn’t do shit for me. Hurt. Anger. Check.

Damn, Why can this man still hurt me?

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day. I’m in tears at work. Ugh.

Well… I told him I didn’t know if I had them. That was a lie. I needed to think.

Actually, that’s another lie. I needed to over think. Obsess. Which I did. All those memories of our ten years of marriage came rushing back….phone numbers in his pockets…computer messages with some woman talking about meeting left up on my computer for me to see….sabotaging everything I did to look and feel better, and then making hurtful comments about my appearance… Cheating on me constantly… leaving me alone… never kissing me. touching me. having sex with me… spending all of my/our money…being a bottomless pit of want… not going to family functions, much less counseling or church… etc etc etc

I didn’t sleep well. I dreamed of myself in a corner, knees to chest… crying. The room was dark. I don’t think it was a particular scene… but it was how I felt when I was married. I can remember wanting to die. Praying to die, because I couldn’t do it to myself.

So, I knew that this had to be a learning experience. All of life is right? What was the lesson I was supposed to be learning here?

I had to look at why I was upset. I didn’t want him. He had tried to come back to me twice… I had the opportunity and I didn’t take it.

But I realized that part of me always hoped he’d grow up and CHANGE. really change. Be the man that I needed. Part of me still held on to the fairy tale. One day he’d come back and be DIFFERENT.

I didn’t think that he would grow and change and then someone else would benefit from that…. only his words still rang in my head “ it probably won’t work out anyway” and ” I have to show I was willing to do everything

Yeah, not exactly what I’d want a man in love with me to say.

But really that doesn’t matter.

What DOES matter I realized is that God is a part of this path of his. I could make it hard/harder for him, but to what end? Hollow satisfaction of being able to stick it to him somehow?

Let go and let God.

When they go low, we go high… Yeah politics. But I love that quote. That’s who I want to be.

I don’t have our marriage license. I actually threw that in a dumpster… although I did not share that detail with him. I just told him how to go about getting a copy of it.

I gave him a copy of my baptismal certificate. I told him to be happy, and that in return I would like copies of anything that might pertain to me…. in case I ever wish to return to/ marry in the church. That’s highly unlikely, but I’ve learned to never say never.

He agreed to that.

And release….

It’s not him I’m releasing… it’s that sad, hurt girl. The dream… the lesson? I could stay stuck in that pain or I could fully let him go. I could accept that it was never going to happen. And that I was still ok.

Actually better than ok. Better than I’ve ever been. I’m not whole yet, but I’m getting there.

I always liked this quote…. Yeah, I still hope for a man. A good man, but I believe less and less in fairy tales these days. What I do believe in… is me.

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