Roll the credits

So almost a week ago I heard from my ex-husband again. He sent me a photo of our divorce decree and asked if I had the stamped copy from the court.

Yeah I don’t have to look. I know exactly where my divorce decree is. Yes, of course I have a stamped copy. I did 100 percent of the paperwork, paid 100 percent of the court costs and made 100 percent of the court appearances myself

Let me look – Translates directly to I need to process this request of yours.

And I’m kind of irritated that I bit back on the Catholic thing… But I get so tired of him trying to rewrite history to suit himself…

So I thought about it…

And I said no. Actually I lied and told him I couldn’t find my paperwork. And then I gave him the contact information for the court.

I was feeling a little guilty about this… And I was driving to work thinking about it… And then something hit me.

I didn’t want to send him the paperwork, because I don’t want him to fuck up another woman’s life the way he did mine.

The fact that this woman wants him to go through her church and do things the right way… And then to see and feel his complete disrespect for her and that process…

I see him clearly now. He hasn’t changed. I’m not sure he’s capable of it…

And when I was quiet I heard the answer. I did my job.

He can now do the work… Or not.

But for us it’s the end of the line.

Something tells me I won’t be hearing from him again ( until his parents pass. )

I’m good with that. Feels like the movie credits are rolling …

For the sequel, I send every good wish to the female lead.

Choose the other guy. Heck, choose pretty much anybody else love.

Cinnys out ✌️❤️

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Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

Lost and found

I was thinking back to when I stopped writing… and I realized it was after my last relationship ended.

I was, and remain, proud of myself for walking away from something that didn’t serve me. That alone was a change.

This change sparked something else in me…  I decided that I needed to take time for myself. I was going to step back from dating. Focus on what makes me happy, and healthy… Focus on being a better person and friend….

How much time? Lots of time. I debated six months…a year…. settled on waiting until my birthday in November…. For whatever reason, that feels right to me.

I don’t think one truly moves forward until they have settled the past. So that’s where I started. I looked at all of my relationships… what worked, what didn’t…

For the past few years I have been in several relationships…. many/most/all ? of which had a D/s and BDSM basis. I thought this was what I wanted. But, the fact of the matter is that none of these relationships were healthy for me.

Another fact… I was not healthy.

Wanting someone to be my “Daddy”… to take care of me…. it ended up being a slippery slope into a river of quicksand that was drowning me. The more of my power I gave away… the more lost I felt. There’s a definite healthy/unhealthy zone there but I had no idea where it was. Hell, I had no idea who I was anymore. Not really.

Cart…. .horse…. ? I’m not sure. What I am sure of, is that the combination was really, really bad.

So, when was I truly happy? What did that look like?

I am a submissive female in my relationships. That seems to be how I am wired. But I haven’t found my happiness searching specifically for these types of relationships. It has dawned on me that I was happiest when these relationships developed organically… where things didn’t have labels… They weren’t about lifestyle. They were just us. Being us.

I honestly don’t know that I believe in “kinky or lifestyle” dating anymore. I think the more clear minded I become, the more I believe that these dynamics really only function well, or fully,  in committed relationships… aka live in, or married. When the “vanilla” and firm foundation has already been laid. In some of these contexts, I see some truly beautiful relationship dynamics and growth. In some of these, I see bits of myself…. or what I want for myself rather.

I’m not foolish enough to say that’s true for everyone. I can think of at least one outlier here… but, I am going to say that I think it’s true for most. Just my opinion.

I think for too many singles, it is putting the intimacy before the relationship. I know it was for me. Each time it didn’t work, I felt more and more despair. Lost. Broken.

And the submission part of it…  It wasn’t something that was happening naturally, like with my first, or even second, love. It was something I was consciously choosing to do… I think hoping to recreate what I once had. But it doesn’t work that way. Especially when you try to force it. Nope. Just doesn’t.

Now, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m having one with myself. Probably for the first time in my life. I’ve stopped being so afraid of life. Afraid of people. I spend time with girlfriends now. I talk on the phone. I do things that are out of my comfort zone.

What else… I have become very successful in my company. I’m in a great place financially. Better than I have ever dared to dream for myself… By myself.

Today I found out that a group of providers will donate a day of care to military veterans …. After two years of trying to get this done…. I am beyond grateful, happy and proud…. I have a few months to do the prep work now and make this a success…. but what a blessing to be able to be a part of something for such a special group.

So… yeah, my life is full right now.

I almost forgot… I joined weight watchers and I’m down 15 pounds after four weeks. I have a lot more to go ( about 75 ideally ) but I’m feeling good about where I’m at. I’m learning balance and better eating habits. Real food… I’ve even started cooking again.

So… right now, life is about being healthy and happy. It’s about living again. It’s about me liking and being proud of who I am.

I’m not sure how much I am going to write anymore. I’m not sure if I want to. I’m not sure what I’d have to say or contribute.

I do know I have a lot of love for so many of you. Thank you for so much more than I can say.

Cinn