A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

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Calm

So the day of the wedding, I made time to go visit a metaphysical store near me. I have been wanting to go for some time now …

I entered feeling nervous and awkward. I started to go through the various rooms… and then went back and asked the clerk if I was allowed to wander… Since I was basically already doing that LOL.

I could tell that in doing this, that I also put him at ease.

So I looked around, and at the very end of my visit I went to look at the jewelry section close to check out. He told me to let him know if I wanted to see something…

Which I did. Immediately I was drawn to a good-sized purple pendent.

When I told him what I wanted to see, he laughed and told me people have been drawn to it for the last week….

Which is perfect because I was feeling particularly anxious and depressed.

He and I made jokes about Venus being in Scorpio… it’s making people ( like me ) feel crazier than usual.

I don’t know enough to expand on this. I am definitely a beginner level… But I find it very interesting.

In any case, I bought it ❤️

I don’t care if it’s all in my head. Wearing it makes me feel at peace.

Maybe it’s the natural lithium 😜

Plus it’s beautiful

Messages

I couldn’t sleep last night. Actually I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now.

Things are very stressful at work… But I can’t really blame it on that. I feel so much inner conflict… And I’m not even sure why.

I feel this pressure on my chest… and I know it is not a physical cause.

The other day, I took a Valium just to relax… And I hadn’t needed to do that in a long time.

First world problems. My mind is so quick to be critical. Even of my own pain.

I did a lot of crying today. That’s a good thing actually. I don’t let myself cry very often.

Childhood lessons.

So then I was getting ready for bed, and I decided to go searching for answers. I went looking for universal reasons for what I have been feeling.

I looked through a few video titles… And then this one caught my eye.

Almost as soon as she began speaking, I knew I was meant to hear this message.

Of course she speaks the language of glitter and sparkle… So there’s that.

Anyway, I had a real good cry listening to this video. But now, I feel like I can sleep. I feel like I can breathe, and I feel the light coming back to me

So, if you’re curious I thought I would share…

Research says…

I have come a long way from past relationships… And am considering opening myself up fully to try again

Miss being in a relationship and feeling wanted…. check and check

Yes the typo bugs me. Spell check ugh.. but I still thought it had value here

Lately I’ve been thinking how sad it makes me feel seeing my friend lose his joy for life. He was always larger than life… Without fear…

But I think it’s also safe to say that I feel sadness when I look at my life these last few years. I’m not the same girl I used to be… But I still see her

Interesting

Yes!

No proposal in my dream… But I always felt that us getting back together would be for always… So I will translate it the same way as this

The dread.. anxiety…. i’m standing on the cliff… Getting ready to jump into life again. It’s a scary place to be

Discomfort 

I am fully aware how odd the following is going to sound…. but it is what it is.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Quite literally. I have had high levels of anxiety the past few days… And although I have normal stressors in my life… There is nothing that should be causing such a spike.

This of course concerns me, that I am subconsciously preparing for some disaster that my conscious mind is not yet aware of.

So, I am putting my crazy out here… Because I don’t know what else to do with it at the moment.

Can you relate ?

Quiet confession

Just a tough time. I’m kind of always lonely but these days I’m run down and sick… and that always makes me feel more alone.

I did call my best friend recently when I woke up with a migraine, and no medicine. In the past, I would have suffered alone… Or somehow dragged myself to the store. 

Instead, I reached out for help… And like always, she dropped everything for me. What I would find out later, is that she had been in bed crying herself because her husband of 20+ years had given her divorce papers.

She needed me too. She brought me medicine, and food… Came over and made a pot of coffee… We shared it, talked, and cried… And had probably the best conversation of our friendship ( 15+ years )

I think that was a good lesson for both of us.

In the last few weeks, I have reached out to talk to people… In the past I would’ve avoided this. I used to flatly refuse to talk on the phone… But now I’m trying to reach out when I need people… contact….. Unfortunately, people aren’t always available… Especially when several of my closest friends live in different time zones.

But, we make time for each other when we can. And every time, it reminds me that somebody cares for me. It reminds me that I am loved. 

And it reminds me, that to have a friend… You have to be a friend. I’m not a great friend. I’m not thoughtful. I don’t send cute gifts and cards… I may pass through a store and see something that makes me think of someone, buy it… And then it sits on my dresser for three months.

I don’t make a lot of plans with people… I work too much, and I’m introverted… I need time alone to recharge just from the job.

So, although I do get invited to things… I rarely go. Honestly, I  wonder why people still invite me. 

Anyway, this was not meant to be a self-critical post…

I guess if anything, I am acknowledging that I am lonely. That although I have started making changes in my life, I have more to make…

I’m not sure where else to start…. so I figured as with everything else, you start at the basics…. you start with love.

Thank you to all the people that love me ❤