A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋

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Fuck You. Or Not

OK. So the last man I mentioned… that fizzled. No burn.

We had a decent relationship. I guess we still do. But I had to end the romantic aspect.

First thing, he ended up telling me that he was bipolar… But not only that, he had been off his meds until recently.

That is a big red flag for me. Particularly as I struggle with depression. I can’t afford to surround myself with unhealthy people and relationships.

Second thing… no spark. I understand chemistry isn’t everything… But it is something, and is important. When he kissed me, I realized that I didn’t want him to.

I didn’t want more. I wanted less.

Lastly, He has some serious health issues… And while I am accepting of this, I do expect my partner to take care of themselves.

Burying one’s head in the sand, and living in denial… Not moving forward on what is needed because it is hard… This I cannot do.

Maybe this is an unattractive side of me. I don’t know. But this is how I am wired.

Also, we don’t have a bond formed enough to make me want to take on that level of care.

I have been thinking about all of this for weeks… What I realized was that in him I saw myself.

I saw myself when I was unhappy. When I was mentally ill. When I was hiding from the world. When I wanted to dump all of my wounds on my romantic partners to Band-Aid or heal

Not a pretty sight.

But it’s in my rearview. There must be some reason I was meant to see this.

Well from there, I met another man… This man was sexy, successful and intense. Our first date was one of the most interesting and challenging conversations I’ve ever had on a date.

He is Latin… Which is my kryptonite. Oh the beautiful words are so hard to not get sucked into. And the dark smoulder… oh my… and an accent? Fans self

My intuition heard “charming” but at the same time, I did get the sense that he actually liked and was interested in me. My empathetic nature… My intuition… It still feels this. I’m not sure what to make of that.

His kisses made me want more. He asked me out for the next night and we had another nice time… But if I’m honest with myself, the conversation was not as good.

The make out session afterwards was beyond hot. This guy is hands-down the best kisser I’ve ever had. 🔥

I’m a Scorpio. My ignition switch has two speeds. On and off. 🔥🔥🔥

I wanted to eat him up he was so damn yummy. But I stopped. We made out, and I let him touch my breasts..

he wanted more. I did too… But I know that I can’t do physical intimacy without feeling. Lord knows I’ve tried. It’s not how I’m built.

So, I said no… my mistake here was to entertain the idea of an in between.

The next two days were some of the most intense pressure I’ve ever experienced.

You would think I would just tell him to fuck off. Part of me really wanted to. Part of me wanted to please him… I hate that side of me. People should have to earn that

And I couldn’t get a handle on why I felt such distinct different things from him. Was it wishful thinking on my part? Maybe but I don’t think so.

I think he’s used always getting his way. I think his thinking is fucked.

Am I fooling myself? Maybe

It was really hard to talk to friends about this. It’s hard for people to understand why this is hard. I get it. People are busy. People judge. Not that anyone means badly. We are human. I’m super quick to judge when it’s not My feelings

Seems so simple. Tell them to fuck off

I don’t. Instead I go silent. I slam the door shut

I want to say the effect is the same… but it’s not. Today, I am disappointed in myself.

But, I also realized that he reawakened something in me. I miss physical attention/affection… I miss passion

I went and got a wax. Full Brazilian. I did it thinking maybe he would touch me… But in the end I wasn’t ready. I’m still very glad I did. I realize even the small step of grooming makes me feel sexier and maybe even more hopeful?

It’s a small signal to myself that it’s OK to be a physical being. That it’s OK to fully live and love.

I’m not sure a man could ever understand all that from the removal of some hair.

Anyway. I did choose me. I did make the healthiest decision(s) for myself

I hope one day I can tell someone to fuck off and feel good about it.

I hope I can strongly advocate for myself.

Maybe I’m still getting there?

End note… so the next guy who made a joke did receive my stinger. Pretty harmless joke too.

I was wrong and he handled himself and the conversation with me beautifully.

So, turns out advocating for oneself can be tricky business too lol

The opposite of giddy

I’ve been on a few dating apps. Constantly struggling between my not wanting to be there…. wanting someone to share life with….. feeling that I am not yet where I want to be before looking for a partner….

I hate that I feel like I’m selling myself like some kind of thing or commodity… or worse like meat. 

Etc. Etc. In case you’re new to the world of Cinn, I overthink everything.

So anyway, I was driving down the street one day thinking about my Meyers-Briggs personality test assessment. I am an INFJ- very much so. ( Attached link if anyone is interested )

https://www.16personalities.com/

Anyway, one of the thoughts I had was that I wondered the chances of meeting another one, and would we be compatible?

That evening when I was swiping, I came across a man with this same link featured on his profile.

Seemed serendipitous…. I sent him a message. Something I almost never do. I have probably messaged first less than five times in all the years I have been single.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained right? 

Or… Keep doing what I have always done, and keep getting the same result I have always gotten…

It felt like time to take a chance.

Anyway, he responded. And it felt like magic. We were so much alike that I wondered for a bit if I was really into him, or myself….

I found him handsome ( although I will say the more I got to know his personality, the more handsome I found him… that wasn’t what attracted me. Intelligent, charming, funny, kind … all of my top qualities in a partner.

We talked for days all day and evening… I was on cloud nine. I wondered if he might be a good partner for me. The one even…

One of my fellow empath friends told me that my energy was so giddy that she felt intoxicated from it. I was smitten… oh yes, I was smitten.

And then he hit me with the D/s and kink related questions. The site we were on is OK Cupid… which is kink friendly. It also gives each user tons of personal questions that they can answer in order to find more compatible matches. I answered some of these questions, but only enough to suggest and not outright give away some of my secrets.

In retrospect, perhaps I still gave too much away. ?

He wanted to know if I was indeed submissive, or a girl showing a little kink to get a guy for some fun play in the sheets. I did confirm that I am submissive. We had a nice conversation around this. Then he took it into sex/kink and all of my guards slammed into place.

Few thoughts here…. First, why does an otherwise grounded man lose his mind when finding out a woman is submissive? Because I defer to my partner out of love and respect… because it seems to be how I am naturally wired… doesn’t mean you get to talk to me like a cheap whore. I’m not YOUR whore.

I need to clarify here… He just got too personal with me. Too sexual. Too kinky. But he didn’t cross into a point of no return

I’m actually the weirdest blend of uptight, prude combined with kinky slut…. lol… and you only get the latter side of me when I belong to you. That’s how this works.

And then…. I thought I cut that part of me out. Off. I have lied to myself for the last couple years. I thought that I could walk away. Not be that again. Not have that relationship again.

But here I was, with someone I thought a potential good partner… and the thought was thrilling. Not exactly how I thought I’d feel… or react.

Anyway, I made myself clear to him that this was not on the table to discuss at this time… but that I was interested in getting to know him more. He said ok, and then I didn’t hear anything further from him until the next morning.

I was disappointed, but we resumed talking. And it felt great again. In sync again.

After another couple of days he ” fell asleep on me” one night. Then I asked him if he wanted to have dinner Friday night ( we had previously discussed getting together for dinner over the weekend, just not what day ) and he told me that he was ” too exhausted from a hard week at work and wouldn’t want to meet me feeling that way”….

I knew he was lying. I’m an empath. I’m highly intuitive, and after talking to anyone for a day or more.. I’m tuned in to them.

I found myself wanting to believe. I told myself that I often feel this way. We are the same personality type… and we need time to recharge.

And then I felt disgusted by my wanting to make excuses for him. Not wanting to acknowledge that my intuition was right- like I promised myself I was going to do.

Then he did it again…  I didn’t hear from him until the next morning.

I did not respond.
I felt consumed by anger. More anger than I am used to feeling… but in retrospect, I think it is simply because I am no longer suppressing anger.

It popped into my head that he feels he found someone better. Later I was told that it was more that he found someone willing to give him the sexual attention that he desires… ( I have a friend with greater ability than I have )

I never heard from him again. It’s been several days now. I thought at first that I would… but now I don’t really feel that.

What I do feel is disappointed. Disappointed in so many things and on so many levels. The opposite of giddy. The air has been let out of my tires.


I had a tarot reading not long ago. It said that I was entering a hermit period… a period of introspection and growth. This is true, only I’m not just entering it… I’ve been there… and I’m feeling frustrated and sick of the process. Even if I have made progress. Lots of progress.


But every time I try to date I end up with a bunch of men that I am not interested in… men who are not interested in me… and men who disappoint me.

I have no open dating apps. I’m just not feeling it now.

I am well aware the common denominator here is me. I know I have free will, but it seems that the universe continues to tell me it’s not time for love.

Universe…. or maybe it’s just me. Every woman has the exact love life that they want. I read this somewhere. I can’t decide if I completely buy into it or not.

Just something else I’m churning round and round ….

 

 

Lost and found

I was thinking back to when I stopped writing… and I realized it was after my last relationship ended.

I was, and remain, proud of myself for walking away from something that didn’t serve me. That alone was a change.

This change sparked something else in me…  I decided that I needed to take time for myself. I was going to step back from dating. Focus on what makes me happy, and healthy… Focus on being a better person and friend….

How much time? Lots of time. I debated six months…a year…. settled on waiting until my birthday in November…. For whatever reason, that feels right to me.

I don’t think one truly moves forward until they have settled the past. So that’s where I started. I looked at all of my relationships… what worked, what didn’t…

For the past few years I have been in several relationships…. many/most/all ? of which had a D/s and BDSM basis. I thought this was what I wanted. But, the fact of the matter is that none of these relationships were healthy for me.

Another fact… I was not healthy.

Wanting someone to be my “Daddy”… to take care of me…. it ended up being a slippery slope into a river of quicksand that was drowning me. The more of my power I gave away… the more lost I felt. There’s a definite healthy/unhealthy zone there but I had no idea where it was. Hell, I had no idea who I was anymore. Not really.

Cart…. .horse…. ? I’m not sure. What I am sure of, is that the combination was really, really bad.

So, when was I truly happy? What did that look like?

I am a submissive female in my relationships. That seems to be how I am wired. But I haven’t found my happiness searching specifically for these types of relationships. It has dawned on me that I was happiest when these relationships developed organically… where things didn’t have labels… They weren’t about lifestyle. They were just us. Being us.

I honestly don’t know that I believe in “kinky or lifestyle” dating anymore. I think the more clear minded I become, the more I believe that these dynamics really only function well, or fully,  in committed relationships… aka live in, or married. When the “vanilla” and firm foundation has already been laid. In some of these contexts, I see some truly beautiful relationship dynamics and growth. In some of these, I see bits of myself…. or what I want for myself rather.

I’m not foolish enough to say that’s true for everyone. I can think of at least one outlier here… but, I am going to say that I think it’s true for most. Just my opinion.

I think for too many singles, it is putting the intimacy before the relationship. I know it was for me. Each time it didn’t work, I felt more and more despair. Lost. Broken.

And the submission part of it…  It wasn’t something that was happening naturally, like with my first, or even second, love. It was something I was consciously choosing to do… I think hoping to recreate what I once had. But it doesn’t work that way. Especially when you try to force it. Nope. Just doesn’t.

Now, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m having one with myself. Probably for the first time in my life. I’ve stopped being so afraid of life. Afraid of people. I spend time with girlfriends now. I talk on the phone. I do things that are out of my comfort zone.

What else… I have become very successful in my company. I’m in a great place financially. Better than I have ever dared to dream for myself… By myself.

Today I found out that a group of providers will donate a day of care to military veterans …. After two years of trying to get this done…. I am beyond grateful, happy and proud…. I have a few months to do the prep work now and make this a success…. but what a blessing to be able to be a part of something for such a special group.

So… yeah, my life is full right now.

I almost forgot… I joined weight watchers and I’m down 15 pounds after four weeks. I have a lot more to go ( about 75 ideally ) but I’m feeling good about where I’m at. I’m learning balance and better eating habits. Real food… I’ve even started cooking again.

So… right now, life is about being healthy and happy. It’s about living again. It’s about me liking and being proud of who I am.

I’m not sure how much I am going to write anymore. I’m not sure if I want to. I’m not sure what I’d have to say or contribute.

I do know I have a lot of love for so many of you. Thank you for so much more than I can say.

Cinn