Tears

OK I totally picked that picture because I think it’s pretty… But also, it kind of fits what my friend Scarlet told me yesterday about crying

See she called me yesterday after reading my posts… but really, she’d know even if she hadn’t read them. We are connected like that.

❤️

So I was at a level of agitation that pretty much I answered the phone with hostility…

And when I am at that level of anger, it’s just barely masking a meltdown.

Which I had. I don’t like to cry. I was raised to believe that’s weak. I don’t believe that for anyone besides myself… But of course, holding myself to unrealistic standards and expectations… Yeah well that’s just standard operating procedure. 😐

Anyway, we had a good talk… and when I hung up the phone, I was looking for a meditation to help me sleep… I happened upon this instead.

Just to clarify, I don’t think Doomsday is a bad person… nor do I think he had bad intent.

I think we both made some mistakes…. and that’s OK. I’m going to learn from them.

But this video did open my eyes a little bit more to some of my mistakes. I’m sharing in case anyone else needs the information

😎

I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic home. I didn’t date in high school. I had two long standing relationships in my twenties… I didn’t say they were healthy, just long-standing mind you …

and, then I got married and spent my thirties and early forties married.

So I never really learned how to date. So I’m learning now. I guess better late than never

Anyway, thank you all for your well wishes.

I’m not looking to rush back into dating at the moment… but I know I will again at some point.

Would it be wrong to say the thing I’m most disappointed about is that I’m not going to get to have sex anytime soon ? 🤷‍♀️

I wish I didn’t feel like revisiting FWB would be a bad move for me.

Ugh

Anyway…. ❤️ today is a better day. And I am reminded of my blessings

Xo

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Zen no more

So the other day I was confused at being ghosted or blown off again…

IDK if ghosting really applies when you haven’t had a date yet. 🤷‍♀️

Today I was not so zen. I was the opposite of zen.

Mad. As in pissed off, furious.

Boiling inside. And by the end of the day, sick to my stomach

Of course that could be due to the crap lunch that I ate.

It’s better now. Coming home to my sanctuary helps. My dog helps.

I thought about what my friend Scarlet said… would I be so angry about a job I didn’t get ?

But here’s the thing…. . I’m angry because I got my hopes up.

I’m angry because my time was wasted.

I’m angry because my intuition was wrong.

How am I so sure I’m right about someone… And then I’m so wrong?

But mostly I’m really mad because I feel like I’m emotionally healthy and available… Because I’m doing the work and I’m really trying… But I keep picking men who flake out on me… so maybe I’m not as healthy as I think I am?

that really sucks to think about.

I’m not going to message him. I haven’t yet deleted his contact information, even though I probably should’ve.

And maybe I should still try to date… But I just don’t have it in me right now.

I’m tired. Right now I’m just tired of anything and everything to do with men

I know I shouldn’t put negative thoughts out into the universe… But it just doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen for me.

I learned to accept not being able to have a child. Maybe I just need to learn to accept this too and be done with it

Sorry no positive vibes today loves. Feel free to send them.

Butterfly Landings 🦋

Well… haven’t heard from new guy- Doomsday — since Thursday

I’m not sure what to make of that exactly. During the week I felt like I was getting very little. Definitely very little initiation on his part, and little in response back to my efforts. I understood it was his first week back to work after being on vacation for 10 days… And so I was trying to be understanding.

However, in the back of my head the ever present voice… People make time for what and who is important to them.

That said, we have not been on a date yet… So perspective Cinn…

In any case, I want a guy who chases me.

I am not jumping to conclusions, or writing him off at this point… But I am definitely sitting back and waiting to see what happens or doesn’t.

My little voice also reminds me that butterflies don’t land in a closed fist… that I need to relax and let God bless me as he will. When he will…

❤️

So at this time, it’s not the outcome I was hoping for… But I still feel really good about my own personal progress. Maybe that’s the lesson.

Into the light… a ramble

So… I’ll get to the song later 😎

Do you ever have memories that seem to come out of nowhere? That’s been my life lately…

One of these memories was that I used to be much more social.… I used to really love going out with friends ….. I used to have people over.

This stopped after I got married.

This memory was somewhat like a vision… I saw clearly how my ex isolated me from friends and family.

I don’t know if it was intentional, And at this point it doesn’t really matter anyway… But, I got stuck in that isolation. I got stuck to the point where I owned something that wasn’t mine.

And remembering myself…. gave me some freedom back.

I went to a party Saturday night. I told myself I was going to be bold. I took the time to do my hair and makeup, and I wore a dress that I normally wouldn’t wear.

I had a good time. More important than that, I felt myself shine again.

Except of course for the dude that asked me if I was my friend’s mother… That hurt.

Part of me felt like it was on purpose, part of me felt like he was just drunk and stupid… All of me knows it doesn’t matter. Dusting off my pride…

Being 50 is tough sometimes. Mostly great… But every once in a while, those little zingers that remind you that your physical beauty is fleeting..

but, anyway… Another good thing about the night…. I sent a picture to the person I referenced in this post

Of course I sent the picture after a few vodka cranberry drinks, so my usual editing was left undone.

Which meant I showed much more cleavage than I meant to. 🤣 still, by most people standards… Probably still super tame. Lol

I am basically a prude, until I am someone’s slut. If that doesn’t make sense to you… That’s OK, I often don’t make sense even to myself.

Anyway he loved the picture. A lot.

He texted me and called me, and he made me feel more beautiful than I have felt in a long time.

We haven’t had a date yet. We’ve been talking for weeks though. Mostly because I was so guarded… and then, because like I told him when I apologized… it’s been my habit to cut and run anytime I think I could get hurt.

But, I actually don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think we have established a comfort level and beginnings of trust that probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

We talked on the phone Sunday for over an hour … and almost entirely about sex.

Which for me is huge on both levels… Talking on the phone is big for me. It’s an energy drain a lot of the time. But not always.

And sex… going back to the duality of Cinn… although I am a very sexual person, these kind of conversations would typically shut me down. I’m guessing that this goes back to the slowly building comfort and trust.

In any case, I did tell him how long it had been for me, and he was pretty happy about that… Which confirmed for me an intuition I’ve had before… that it would matter to my future partner that I waited.

Now am I rushing to think he’s the one ? Yes I have my fantasy romance moments… But I think overall I am pretty grounded in thinking this is progressing in a healthy way, and probably a good next step of my path if nothing else.

And I do recognize that he will probably hurt my feelings at some point. I have already hurt his… and probably will again. I realize that as part of life and being human…

I also recognize the big difference in that and what I have lived through in my past.

Speaking of my past, I did share some of it with him, and he has shared some of his with me. But in a way that felt like sharing and less like dumping buckets of pain and begging to be healed.

( Which is what I do feel like I did to past partners )

So… we’ll see where this goes.

In the meantime, I feel like I’m waking up as me again. I can only attribute it to all the crazy eclipse, retrograde and full moon energy… But I feel like I walked out of the darkness.

Actually, I’ve been out of the darkness for a long time now… Maybe it would be more accurate to say I walked into the light.

I walked into hope.

And things keep happening that only confirm my feelings.

I drove over a bridge today that I usually feel anxious about. I told myself I was going to channel some Aries energy and be fearless and I was. 🙌🏻

Later in the day, I drove past an accident. Several cars damaged…. and then there was a young girl in her car, and a fireman kneeling down and talking to her…

And all of the feelings overwhelmed me … for a moment, I thought I was going to cry… And then I stopped myself. I said out loud very loudly… Not Mine … Not Mine… Not Mine

And it passed. I don’t have to feel everything from other people.

That’s hugely freeing. I have previously learned to release other peoples feelings or energy…

But actually blocking it… Huge!

Lastly…..

I was getting my nails done… And the technician started smacking my hand… It was obvious she wanted me to do something… But not so obvious what. I said what and she smacked my hand again, and we repeated.

Before I knew what was happening, I very loudly said something along the lines of “would you stop that! If you want me to do something, then you need to tell me what that is!”

Yes I know that’s pretty tame… But for the last few years, I would have eaten the emotion and said nothing.

She didn’t apologize, but she did stop.

And for me, the only thing that matters is that I allowed myself to express an emotion that wasn’t “nice”

Not only was it 100% OK, but I was so happy and proud of myself. I still am.

And then, the song…

This was my song with the second man I ever loved.

I’ve actually been thinking of him a lot lately.

There’s a lot of things in our story that I’m not proud of. A lot of things that I felt like I needed to make amends for… And I feel like I have.

My friend Scarlet told me once this wasn’t how karma works… And I still can’t say I truly understand. It’s probably more my Catholic guilt that said I deserved a lot of the things that were done to me…

I’ve worked really hard to become someone I’m proud of. Someone who puts more love in the world… I’m not perfect by any means… But I’m doing the work.

But anyhoo… I really hope he has found happiness and peace in his life.

It’s time for me to find mine.

So when this song came on, it made me smile. In my head, I said well hello Christopher. I sent him love and warm wishes.

Yes that’s his real name. That’s actually the first time I have used someone’s real name… But I find it a beautiful name in general, and as there are 1,000,001 Christopher in the world… I feel like it’s pretty safe to say it’s not going to reveal who he really is.

And then later, I looked this song up again and paid more attention to the words…

It’s timely I think.

I don’t know much . 💋❤️

PS

Thank you if you made it all the way through my ramble

And thank you Selina for teaching me how to do links ❤️

It felt necessary 😀

Edit…. And I forgot my friend who came and sat by me today in the sun

Dragonfly- symbol of transformation and self realization ❤️

That’s what I do

So, I have been talking to a guy I met online.

For 5 weeks.

We started messaging on the site…then texting… and eventually phone calls.

He was a pleasant surprise. So many boxes checked.

Then Nothing.

Actually the nothing happened twice.

The first time he went silent I messaged him. He responded.

I allowed myself to believe that I had jumped to conclusions about his silence.

Things progressed to the point where we were saying good morning and good night consistently…. Texting consistently during the day… And the phone calls felt good.

And I hate phone calls! Lol

I did wonder why we had not yet met. But, he kept saying we needed to meet… so I thought it was building to that.

I can be very guarded… But I was trying to be open and vulnerable… And I think I did a good job…….Appropriate for the time frame…

I prefer a man to take the lead. This, combined with my belief that this was a slow deliberate pace… I wasn’t going to push things.

Then he did want to set something up. I was thrilled! Excited and nervous

So we agreed on Wednesday or Thursday this week. He travels for business, so we would leave the day loose until we saw what our schedules looked like.

In retrospect, this was probably a flag that I missed.

Then he started to slow texts. He would respond but they were very short. I could feel the disengage.

( side note… I don’t know if it’s my personality type, my intuition or the fact that I’m a empath or HSP that makes me feel people even through text or written word… But I do …)

So after two days of this, I stopped texting him.

So maybe this could be put on me. I’m the last to not respond.

But why… to what point ?

I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t want me.

My feelings are hurt.

I really haven’t had anyone to talk about this with. My friends are busy with their own lives…

I am also well aware of being 50 versus oh say 16-20 something…..and this is someone I never even met… yeah, it seems silly or stupid. Shouldn’t be a big deal.

I shouldn’t feel this hurt.

Silly, inconvenient truth… I hurt.

It’s not that I was cat-fished. I one hundred percent do not believe that.

What I think is that there has always been somebody else…. Somebody safer.

Most likely someone in his church group that he goes to weekly… That’s what my Spidey senses tell me anyway.

That’s what he chose. Not me

Is he going to be happy with this person long-term? I don’t think so.

We all choose our own path.

I think what upsets me the most… His final actions, or more accurately inactions, don’t represent the man I believe(d) him to be.

Why is it so hard to tell me that you’re going a different way…?

You have taken up weeks/days/hours/minutes… And I don’t deserve a few more so that I am not strung along and left wondering…,

It occurred to me last night that we go through stages of grief, even in these scenarios.

For me, it typically goes 1, 3, 4, 2 and 5

Anger for me comes after the hurt… I am always angry when someone hurts my feelings. It’s actually one of the few places in my life where I allow myself to feel anger.

So last night I removed him from my friends list. Mostly symbolic… it’s acceptance and letting go. Moving on… or at least wanting to.

And then this morning I decided to pour it out here, and give it to the universe.

As I started to write this, the tears came… I let myself cry… And I leave them here too

I’ll get over it. I always do

At least this time, I haven’t lost my self worth.

I know that I’m a good woman and have tons to offer the right person

I’m really proud of that growth.

I’m also proud of the way I conducted myself start to finish… I’m proud that I put in the work to be open and vulnerable… I’m proud I took a chance.

Baby steps forward.

I leave my future in God’s hands. I pray that he has someone for me.

It’s very hard not to give up hope. But I still cling to it.

That’s what I do. I hope