Life …. Itself

I watched this movie tonight… Amazon movie. At one point I was thinking how terrible it was… how dark and depressing…But then all the pieces connected.… And then you see the beauty… the love.

That’s life… Life itself. Yes.

Some of my life’s domino pieces lately..

}1) My Mom was rushed to the hospital with what we believed to be a heart attack.

If you’ve been following me for any period of time, you know that we have a difficult relationship and history.

Hearing this news kicked all the air out of my lungs… I found myself on my knees in my kitchen.

Turned out to be broken heart syndrome.

I don’t know that it was any one particular thing… She has been caring for my dad at physical expense to her… they are elderly and have lost many loved ones… Etc. etc.

#2) Mom is home recovering but weak. We plan an early family Christmas party at their senior facility. Dinner had been eaten, and presents were being opened.

I saw my Dad slump. I don’t know if I sensed it before I saw it… I feel like I did.

He was having bad pain in his chest and down his arm. He was having trouble breathing.

One thing that is good about me… I’m great under pressure. I was by his side almost immediately. I remember family wanting to move him, and me refusing to let that happen. He didn’t want to move, and I felt like doing that was just going to cause him additional pain and stress.

One of my sister in laws said that we needed to call the paramedics… She was right. It was only when I told my oldest brother to call, that it got done.

I don’t say that to toot my own horn. I’m really just processing.

A lot of times I feel like I am overlooked or ignored within my family. I keep quiet. I keep my opinions to myself largely. Maybe that’s why it’s different when I speak up?

I don’t remember a lot of other things from that night. I remember a lot of hugs between me and my brothers. I remember walking out of the room while the paramedics were taking care of him… I remember being told not to let them see me cry. No one had to tell me that. I learned that a long time ago.

It was a very long night. Dad went from the emergency room to surgery.

Turns out the pain was diverticulitis… He had a hole in his intestines. Air was getting in the gut, and he had infection.

We left the hospital about 1 AM. He was in surgery, and we were all exhausted… So we went home presumably to sleep, and wait for the surgeons call.

My dad is 90. I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that he wouldn’t make it through surgery.

I have some special gifts that allow me to see or know things… but this doesn’t work in regards to myself. Especially when I am distraught.

So I am feeling all kinds of freaked out… wondering if these feelings are indicators or just emotion run wild.

He made it through the surgery. It’s been 11 days in the hospital since.

I spent Christmas Day in the hospital with him. My brothers all have families of their own, and my Mom is still recovering.. so I got to spend a lot of it alone with him.

I remember thinking about other Christmas days.… Other times when I felt sorry for myself

Nothing like being faced with loss to realize all the blessings you really have in your life.

He sleeps the majority of the time. He wakes confused. Wants to know what happened… Where he is… Wants to go home.

He is always happy to see me. Truly happy. The kind you feel. I feel it.

We don’t do a lot of talking that day. Actually we haven’t done a lot of talking since. He doesn’t have much energy to speak… When he does, it’s usually in a whisper. I’m happy to be near and just watch him sleep.

He has good days and not so good days. Sometimes they are the same day. It’s hard. But it’s precious time. I know he knows we are there.

Today he was moved to a rehabilitation hospital. My brothers say 18 days there and then assisted living.

I don’t know. Dad is even more confused and upset. He wants to go home. He wants my Mom.

All my senses say he doesn’t have long. I don’t say this to my brothers. I wonder if they think I’m in denial the same way that I think they are?

I wonder if I need to tell him it’s OK to go. I wonder if I should. Mostly I think that he doesn’t want to leave my mom. I also don’t think she’s ready to let him go.

#3) plot twist. I met a guy last year that I liked, but it never seemed to go anywhere.

I think I wrote about him? I need to go see… Anyway, somewhere between life event number one and number two he contacted me again.

He told me that he owed me an apology… That he has basically been dating himself for the last year ( I can totally identify!! ) and that he had really been struggling after his mom died.

I was aware his mom had died. I had reached out.

Anyway, we texted a little bit… I remember thinking that I was just going to be completely honest and transparent… Which I was. I was really struggling and I told him that. I figured I had nothing to lose.

He told me to call him if I wanted to talk. I remember thinking, well here we go…

I’m going to be open to this person.

So I called him. We had a really good conversation. It was obvious that he had completely braced himself for anger.

I had none.

I told him I just had assumed he wasn’t interested. Why should I be angry about that?

He told me about his mom and some things that are going on in his family regarding her passing.

I told him about what was going on with my mom… And about our relationship, and the grudges I had been holding. How I was feeling that I needed to let them go..

He encouraged me to do that. And I have.

I have had some quality time with her since all this occurred. Our relationship is completely different now.

I don’t know how it works exactly… Those grudges I’ve been holding… They just fell away. It’s almost like I could literally feel the weight removed.

It’s not gone. It’s transmuted. I see those moments through different eyes. I see them now through understanding and compassion… Through knowing that they were human and did their best… they passed on what was said and done to them.

I see it knowing that none of it means anything now.

I told her the other day that my oldest brother was the sweetest and most thoughtful… And she agreed… But then she told me that I was right up there too.

And I was shocked. I don’t see myself as thoughtful. I definitely didn’t think she would. Feels

So anyway….. Back to him.

We have not talked on the phone again, but we have texted consistently. He invited me to a New Year’s Eve thing, but I had nothing left. I was running on negative fumes.

Work has been good but crazy busy. Trying to balance that with everything going on in my personal life has taken A toll.

I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been meditating. I haven’t taken a bath… In short, I haven’t been taking care of myself at all.

I have a long weekend ahead where I don’t have to work. I’m really hoping that I can get myself into a more Zen state.

I’m hoping we can have a second date soon.

I don’t know if this is a love connection, although I suspect it might be.

What I do know, Is that I need someone to be there for me.

I think at the very least…. he’s going to be the kind of friend I need in my life right now.

So the answer to that question… When am I going to get out of my own way?

Seems to be when life itself brings me to my knees

❤️

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Realizations

One of the greatest disappointments in my life was finding out that I was not going to be able to have children of my own. Biologically.

This combined with the implosion of my marriage, sent me into a tailspin. Looking back now, I don’t know why it has taken me six years to get to this place… but it has.

I am in a good space. I have made some great progress in my personal life, and my mental/emotional health.

I found this the other day… I’m not sure about having a higher calling… Although that does appeal to my ego 😎

But the timing was interesting… Because just before I found this, it occurred to me that however devastating my loss was… It changed my heart for others.

One of the things that I am the most proud of, is the lives that I have been able to touch, nurture, and love… Largely through my job.

I know that these young women would not have been my focus if things had been different.

This one is just funny.

But seriously, I like those stories where you see how one person can impact so many other lives like a domino… I’d like to think I’ve done that. I’d like to think I’m going to continue to do that.

I even think some or many of the conversations I have here in my mind can or will help someone.

Maybe that’s my purpose? I’ve been thinking a lot about that… Purpose.

I’m not sure I have one specifically. I try to leave people better than I found them.

All I know, is that today I see things differently. I see that maybe my loss had a purpose.

There is some healing there. A microscopic bit of understanding God’s larger plan.

I don’t know if that’s enough. But it’s more than it was yesterday

A revised fairy tale

I used to write a lot about fairytales. But I wrote about them from the same perspective that I’ve lived in my life… I wanted someone to save me.

At some point, I am going to write about being a babygirl/little and how the BDSM world impacted my mental health and life in a very unhealthy way… further exacerbating what was already a very bad place in my life.

For right now, I’m going to leave it at that… More to come in the future

Do not expect a BDSM general condemnation. That is not coming.

Anyway, I feel like every day I’m a healthier person… Every day I am more in control of my life. I still want the fairytale, but now I truly believe what this meme says.

I am creating the life of my dreams. Some parts like love are taking longer.

It’s really hard to be patient. I know that I have come a long way these last two years in learning to love and respect myself… And I know that that will eventually help lead me to the man of my dreams.

For now, I guess that still has to be me 🤣

so yeah, I will go ahead and clear this part up… Awesome ghosted on me.

But I think he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. As much as I miss sex, I just didn’t have that desire for him.

And guy #2

He did tell me about a medical issue he was dealing with, and asked me to wait for that to be resolved before we went out on a date… And that I’m fine with…

But he’s hot and he’s cold with his messages… I don’t take that personally, other than I feel like it’s more about him keeping his options open and probably not being in the market for a serious relationship like I am…

So, I have not written him off entirely… But I have scaled-back my hopes for this relationship.

I need someone who is consistent.

So, that’s where I’m at tonight.

Sending lots of love to everyone reading this. I did hear from a few people who have been struggling after my last post. I’m so very touched.

Please know that you are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

Xoxo 💋

Calling all fuckboys

I’m in a good place for the most part. I’m mentally and emotionally healthy. That’s not to say I don’t have my dark moments.

I do. But I’ve learned to move through them quicker.

On my own, life is good… But I’m tired of being alone. I’m looking for a partner. I’m looking for my happy ending…

Actually not really an ending so much as a beginning…

But, In the meantime, I have unmet needs. Not being held, kissed, fucked… oh this is getting to me.

Sometimes that itch eats me alive. My inner Scorpio is hungry. Very hungry… masturbation doesn’t touch the cravings… it’s almost more frustrating but that’s a topic for another day…

Anyway…. The last two nights I had bad nightmares. Friday morning it took me at least a couple hours to shake off my dream… What I dreamed about or why is really not important here…. but I missed good strong arms to wrap around me… To hold me tight… To make me feel that I was safe…

So this got me focused on the physical. I started to think maybe I just needed to scratch the itch… Take that edge off and then continue looking for a good man

I went on a dating site specifically with the intention of finding a certain fuckboy.

And I did, within hours.

He doesn’t remember me. We had two dates… And several texts from him about how much he cared about me… and yet, he doesn’t remember me

Yes, I could easily fuck him. And it would be good. Physically

But I can’t .

Because he’s not good enough for me. Because I don’t want his energy attached to me.

Because it occurred to me how easily I attracted what I wanted… or what I thought I wanted.

So, I’m calling into existence love. I’m calling into existence marriage. I’m calling into existence family and the house of my dreams.

And you fuck boys, you can go back where you came from

Fuck You. Or Not

OK. So the last man I mentioned… that fizzled. No burn.

We had a decent relationship. I guess we still do. But I had to end the romantic aspect.

First thing, he ended up telling me that he was bipolar… But not only that, he had been off his meds until recently.

That is a big red flag for me. Particularly as I struggle with depression. I can’t afford to surround myself with unhealthy people and relationships.

Second thing… no spark. I understand chemistry isn’t everything… But it is something, and is important. When he kissed me, I realized that I didn’t want him to.

I didn’t want more. I wanted less.

Lastly, He has some serious health issues… And while I am accepting of this, I do expect my partner to take care of themselves.

Burying one’s head in the sand, and living in denial… Not moving forward on what is needed because it is hard… This I cannot do.

Maybe this is an unattractive side of me. I don’t know. But this is how I am wired.

Also, we don’t have a bond formed enough to make me want to take on that level of care.

I have been thinking about all of this for weeks… What I realized was that in him I saw myself.

I saw myself when I was unhappy. When I was mentally ill. When I was hiding from the world. When I wanted to dump all of my wounds on my romantic partners to Band-Aid or heal

Not a pretty sight.

But it’s in my rearview. There must be some reason I was meant to see this.

Well from there, I met another man… This man was sexy, successful and intense. Our first date was one of the most interesting and challenging conversations I’ve ever had on a date.

He is Latin… Which is my kryptonite. Oh the beautiful words are so hard to not get sucked into. And the dark smoulder… oh my… and an accent? Fans self

My intuition heard “charming” but at the same time, I did get the sense that he actually liked and was interested in me. My empathetic nature… My intuition… It still feels this. I’m not sure what to make of that.

His kisses made me want more. He asked me out for the next night and we had another nice time… But if I’m honest with myself, the conversation was not as good.

The make out session afterwards was beyond hot. This guy is hands-down the best kisser I’ve ever had. 🔥

I’m a Scorpio. My ignition switch has two speeds. On and off. 🔥🔥🔥

I wanted to eat him up he was so damn yummy. But I stopped. We made out, and I let him touch my breasts..

he wanted more. I did too… But I know that I can’t do physical intimacy without feeling. Lord knows I’ve tried. It’s not how I’m built.

So, I said no… my mistake here was to entertain the idea of an in between.

The next two days were some of the most intense pressure I’ve ever experienced.

You would think I would just tell him to fuck off. Part of me really wanted to. Part of me wanted to please him… I hate that side of me. People should have to earn that

And I couldn’t get a handle on why I felt such distinct different things from him. Was it wishful thinking on my part? Maybe but I don’t think so.

I think he’s used always getting his way. I think his thinking is fucked.

Am I fooling myself? Maybe

It was really hard to talk to friends about this. It’s hard for people to understand why this is hard. I get it. People are busy. People judge. Not that anyone means badly. We are human. I’m super quick to judge when it’s not My feelings

Seems so simple. Tell them to fuck off

I don’t. Instead I go silent. I slam the door shut

I want to say the effect is the same… but it’s not. Today, I am disappointed in myself.

But, I also realized that he reawakened something in me. I miss physical attention/affection… I miss passion

I went and got a wax. Full Brazilian. I did it thinking maybe he would touch me… But in the end I wasn’t ready. I’m still very glad I did. I realize even the small step of grooming makes me feel sexier and maybe even more hopeful?

It’s a small signal to myself that it’s OK to be a physical being. That it’s OK to fully live and love.

I’m not sure a man could ever understand all that from the removal of some hair.

Anyway. I did choose me. I did make the healthiest decision(s) for myself

I hope one day I can tell someone to fuck off and feel good about it.

I hope I can strongly advocate for myself.

Maybe I’m still getting there?

End note… so the next guy who made a joke did receive my stinger. Pretty harmless joke too.

I was wrong and he handled himself and the conversation with me beautifully.

So, turns out advocating for oneself can be tricky business too lol

Day 14

Now. I’m on vacation. I slept in late – around 8 am.

I’m sitting on my patio listening to the birds, and the sound of the wind. It’s raining ever so slightly… Can’t quite smell the rain… yet. I do catch glimpses of scent from my lime and lemon trees.

And now I smell the rain. The birds quiet.

Storms are coming. But..

I’m at peace.