For guacamole sake

So apparently food is a thing. For attracting dates.

Well, I can say I like most of this list more than the majority of my dates this last year….

Perhaps I need to spend more time at the grocery store

PS. Online dating sucks.

Carry on

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Calling out to love

This year I have really become a believer in the power of our thoughts, and meditation. I have had some very special experiences as a result…. sure, others could call them coincidental, but I know better.

Anyway… My best friend mentioned to me the other day that I was too quick to cut men off.

She knows I watch/read lots of true crime/psychological things ( I’m fascinated by the darker side of man ) and worries that this affects my relationships.

Interesting. Maybe. Darkness rubs off. Gets in the cracks of your mind and whispers to you …

I’m not scared of darkness though. Maybe it’s my Scorpio nature. Maybe it’s because I know that I shine, even in my own darkness..

I think that I cut things off when they don’t feel good or right. But as much as I want to say that’s always about the guy….. it’s not.

I think I don’t know how to let someone truly love me. I’ve certainly never felt truly worthy of it. I learned as a little girl that love was dependent…. dependent on being good…. being obedient… being pleasing….

and perfect…. never perfect enough…. always trying to earn love.

My love relationships…. same sickness. Same little girl trying to earn their love. Desperately trying to win them… never quite succeeding.

I choose men who never fully choose me.

Or, I did.

And now I’m afraid…. afraid to try again. Afraid to start a relationship at 49 knowing that I really don’t know the first thing about love.

Tonight I did a meditation on calling love into your life. The guide said to remember what it felt like to feel loved unconditionally.

I could not remember one time when I felt loved unconditionally. Honestly, I have a hard time with that concept. I don’t know that I believe it exists. We are humans.. there is always some kind of condition.

So anyway…..  I did the meditation, and I called out for love. I know the energy I sent into the universe was weak….. But that’s my level of faith/hope right now.

What I can say is that I’m not done yet… and maybe next time I’ll have just a bit more… and the time after that, a little more too…

In the meantime, I think I may have to open myself to a lot more Hallmark channel and a lot less Investigation Discovery channel.

That probably couldn’t hurt either.

🙂

The answer

So I wrote last about the overwhelming anxiety I had been feeling lately… and not being sure why.

I thought about having my cards read, and even reached out to someone offering a free reading to beef up their business… but quickly realized that they were either a fake, or not nearly as gifted as I needed. Not sure which. Doesn’t matter.

So a bit later I was driving and I was thinking about the why…. I was still and quiet and all of a sudden it came to me as clear as day… My dog…

I lost his furry sister a couple years ago… I still miss my girl. I do know she visits me at times, and I talk to her. I felt her around more recently, and thought she might be coming to help him.

In my head I heard ” he’s dying and you have to help him” . That simple and it all slipped into place. The anxiety was gone. The racing heart… the chest pain… dizzy feeling…. sick and run down feeling…

I realized that what I was feeling was him. Subconsciously I had already picked up on the changed texture of his fur…. the difference in his smell. I saw him getting more wobbly on his back legs. I noticed the long pauses when he walked…. and how much longer it was taking him to wake up…. I just didn’t want to acknowledge it.

All of a sudden I remembered my friend’s words” He doesn’t want to leave his momma”…. Yeah, I knew he didn’t. And I didn’t want him to go.

But that’s not love. Love means choosing what’s best for them over yourself. Even if that means ripping your own heart and shredding it to pieces.

I knew it was coming soon one way or the other. Selfishly, I didn’t want it to be on my birthday, because I knew I couldn’t bear it.

More than anything, I didn’t want him to suffer. More than he already had.

I told myself if the vet was open on this particular Saturday, that it was meant to be. It was.

We went right before they closed. There was a woman taking forever to check out… she wanted to chat with the vet about every ridiculous god damn thing she could think of….  that’s how it felt anyway. And behind her a man who was clearly aware of my pain, and trying to make it better..  and although I appreciated his kindness, I was trying with all my might to hold on to whatever strength I had left.

We were finally ushered into a small room, and the vet came in and confirmed that he thought it was time too. Blue was in my lap and he went to give him the shot in the nape… at first I thought it was going to be ok, he didn’t feel it … but then he started loudly yelping.. The vet told me to move his face towards mine, and I did… but he kept carrying on.

The vet commented that he was dramatic as always…. In a kindhearted way. He left the room and I held Blue….laughed through my tears and talked to him about being my sweet drama queen boy.

I laid him on the counter and he laid his head on my arm. Actually it was his neck, and his breathing was labored… and it took me a while to realize I was blocking his airway… and I feel so guilty about that. I hope it wasn’t bad for him.

I kissed him and loved on him… and I told him to let go… to go play with Sandy. Not to worry about his momma. He did his job here.

I hoped he would go with the anesthesia but he didn’t. I don’t think he wanted to go yet. But with the second shot, it came quickly. I took his collar and leash, and said my goodbye there. I didn’t ask for his ashes this time. Walking out that door was agony. Walking into my home and not having him here… that is so much worse.

I woke up several times last night. I wanted to think he visited me, but I don’t really think he has yet.

Maybe some of this sounds weird to people. I honestly don’t care. Sorry, but I don’t. I’ve learned to accept that this world is so much more than we know or see. I’m learning to “see” more.

Anyway, today is my birthday. I’m exhausted and I’m sad… but I’m hopeful too. I’m grateful that I had the love of my dogs. This was my final gift to both of them. It’s the price of love… and it’s worth it

Today, I am releasing Sandy’s ashes. This also came to me. I need to do this before I can move on to the next phase of my life. It took me a long time to get this message.  I heard it loud and clear yesterday. I don’t know why, but I’m trusting this.

I’ll keep her collar, but I’ll set her ashes free.

So there it is.

Goodbye my angels xoxo Momma loves you


Picture is from google search, not my dog 

 

 

 

Discomfort 

I am fully aware how odd the following is going to sound…. but it is what it is.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Quite literally. I have had high levels of anxiety the past few days… And although I have normal stressors in my life… There is nothing that should be causing such a spike.

This of course concerns me, that I am subconsciously preparing for some disaster that my conscious mind is not yet aware of.

So, I am putting my crazy out here… Because I don’t know what else to do with it at the moment.

Can you relate ?