Roar

https://youtu.be/C2l4bdAyFUQ

Sometimes there comes a moment when you surprise yourself… When you think of yourself as a kitten, but catch yourself acting like a lioness

My friends affectionately call me Glinda. This is why.

#1) cute Army guy I’ve been talking to 


Shortly after this, he asked for a picture. Again. I sent him one with no make up, and intentionally unflattering.

Judging by the silence, I’m going to say he has fallen out of love with me LOL

#2) local guy. Says he is in the Navy. I’m not exactly sure, 


Yeah, that brought the conversation to a screeching halt. But seriously?!

So… Obviously I decided to give online dating another chance. It will be two weeks tomorrow. 

Man, is this so not fun…

I did accept one date request… for next Saturday. It came after two weeks of on/off texting. 

I met him on Zoosk… Which I was not impressed with. I have actually already deleted that profile, and canceled the subscription.

Nice enough looking guy. But divorced twice, and lives in an apartment with his adult son. 

I’m in an apartment. I am well aware my rent is more than a lot of people pay in mortgage… so it’s not necessarily a bad factor… I just want to make sure my next partner will be equal to, or better than me in terms of financial stability. Having my ex-husband suck me dry taught me some painful lessons that I am not willing to repeat.

We have talked on the phone once, and seemed to have some things in common… So I’m willing to meet him to explore further

So, I am feeling a little bit hopeful… But mostly wondering if I shouldn’t be more excited about someone I’m actually meeting.

Maybe the fact that I’m not, is wasting my time and his? 

Or maybe it’s smarter…..waiting to reserve judgment after having more facts?

I’m not sure.

And writing these profiles? It’s awful. 

Reading them… For the most part, also awful.

Who knew how bitter and jaded most people seem to be by this age? ( I’m 48 )

Who knew there were so many women just looking to get laid? OK… I kind of knew that one , but I did expect a search for love and relationship to be more a part of the package.

And, for someone like me who does believe they’re attractive… But also, highly aware of their imperfections… Well being on sites where people swipe right or left largely based on said looks… It’s tough on the old ego!

I even tried Tinder… and tinder fire, which tells you if people swipe right or left on your pictures… Helps you to pick better ones.

Well guess what? The two pictures of myself that I think are the most beautiful… they both got 100% swiped left.

So what to do with that feedback? Maybe I should post the no make up, semi unflattering pictures lol

Oh well… I’m not sure there was much point to this post… 

I guess other than to say that at least I recognize bullshit when I see it… And I’m proud of myself for calling it

Even if that means no love for me.

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So what now?

I have had a pretty charmed life this year… at least as far as work goes. I’ve had a ton of success.. beyond anything I have ever hoped for. I have no real explanation for why… but I can say that the more I allow God into my heart and life, the more I seem to be favored.

For those who don’t believe in God… consider the secret. I believe that also… that what you believe…. what you think… what you say…becomes reality. I have been working on visualizing some pretty great things for my future.

Anyway…. Then the bottom fell out. A perfect storm of reasons… but the end result was a disastrous profit and loss statement. No consolation to me that I was in control of none of the things that caused this. No… at the end of the day, it is my job to run a financially viable business.

Not to mention my ever present need to be perfect.

My anxiety was in overdrive. But for once in my life, I took a more active role in reigning in my own thoughts. I skipped the Xanax. I told myself that it was a bad few days… nothing more than a few hours in the span of my life. I told myself that there was essentially nothing worse that could happen to me besides being fired… and that was highly unlikely. I reminded myself the people above me were just that… people. No more or less than me. Not without their own failures.

And I prayed.

It wasn’t a fun few days… but what happened is that I had to present my results at a group meeting. I had to address the person I am most intimidated by. I’m not sure if I wrote about this before or not… but last time I was asked to do this, I started to have a panic attack and cried. Thankfully my boss rescued me and a colleague took over. No one noticed. But I was horrified.

Here I was a couple months later, with the worst results of my career… versus what had been one of the best…. and I was able to control my nerves. I was calm and I nailed it. I was so proud of myself!

Anyway, I would later find out that the person I was most worried about…. had nothing but great things to say about me.

I came out of this experience better.

And then I realized, I had grown. The worst thing had happened… and I was ok. I was BETTER.

I felt on top of the world. I felt like I was ready to take on the world.

I get lonely sometimes. Ok, I get lonely a lot.

So, I can take on dating again… Right? I downloaded a couple apps. The next day I told a couple girlfriends. They were supportive.

So what now… ? Huh. A writer should be able to write a decent profile right? Apparently not. This selling yourself business is hard.

And pictures. Huh. That’s hard too when you hate taking pictures. But I did find some that were cute. Not full body, because I don’t have any “good” ones.

Anyway… I half assed it. I guess girls can get away with that.

I talked to some guys. Most I didn’t feel any attraction to. Some I felt a tiny bit. Yes, I know that looks are not everything but let’s be honest here…. there has to be SOME attraction. Some chemistry… Otherwise you have a platonic friendship.

So, I was talking to a few men. Some nice men. Then one man who I was very attracted to…. physically and mentally. Looked good on paper. Communicated well. Witty, funny… and then the word “Charming” popped in my head. Many of you will recall that reference.

I told myself that I was going to listen to my intuition….And I pulled myself back in….And then he started to get very suggestive. He made a comment about bringing wine over to my place…. It didn’t specify when so I let it go… but then this…

I thought about responding… briefly… but no. He’s not worth it.

I felt good … mostly… about my boundaries being set…. But, I don’t have much real experience dating. Nice guys that is….

I had to check in with a couple girlfriends… You see, I have no idea when these things are discussed in “vanilla” relationships. I have no idea how to have a healthy relationship.

I wondered if I had turned into a prude. I was assured that I was not off base 🙂 That I did the right thing.

But it shook me a little. Or a lot. Because I still had wound up liking the bad boy. The wrong choice. And worse… I felt like my weakness was smelled like blood in the water. Even if I did wind up surprising them.

And the men I was having conversations with… I had no real interest in. Truth be told, I didn’t want to go on a date with any of them. Friends maybe.

Without comment, I deleted these accounts. So yeah, I guess I ghosted. And I’m sort of sorry… but mostly not.

My mind is kind of a mess. Not just my own mess. I realize more and more every day how open I am to the world, and to people’s energy… and one of the things I most need to learn is to shield myself.

Some of these people are great…. but more often than not… these sites… these people… they poison me with their energy.

I still have work to do on myself. I’m not ready. But I think I’m getting there…. and one day, I will be.

So what now… back to my WW diet… back to working on my own self. Back to learning how to really love myself.

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Time

I often think about writing, but never sit down to actually do it. Life moves along, even when you’re taking a time out.

Taking myself out of dating has been one of the best decisions I ever made. I’ve used the time to work on myself… my weight.. my self esteem.

I’m down 30 pounds… it took five months. Hard to believe it’s been that long. It’s a daily struggle. 

Now I have another 60 to go. 

Also hard to believe I let myself get to this point.

I look the best I’ve looked in many years. But more importantly, I feel the best I’ve felt in even more…. My depression and anxiety both seem to be easing as my diet improves, and the weight comes off.

That’s not to say that they are entirely gone. No…not entirely.

Today is one of those not entirely days. Being single, especially at 48, is tough. Being alone when all, or most of your friends, have families of their own that they are occupied with…. it’s tough.

This weekend everyone was too busy for me. That’s not fair but it is how I feel. Knowing it’s not rational does little to ease the wound. 

I have fun plans next weekend… but that doesn’t matter to my dark thoughts today.

Those thoughts say I’ll always be alone… die alone. Nobody cares. Maybe I should…

But I’m stronger than those thoughts. I know they’re lies.. even when I’m terrified that they’re based in truth…

My usual band aide to being so lonely is to look for someone to date. Someone to make me feel wanted. Feel good. 

But I promised myself I wouldn’t do it until I felt good about myself… I thought maybe my birthday  ( November ) and then I thought January.

My sweet friend the Fairy Queen told me that I had said July at one point….

So then I wonder… am I hiding away from the world now? 

Has it become safer than risking rejection? 

Hmmm. Ok , let’s see what’s out there?

 I downloaded a dating app… Senior people meet. 

Just to see…. presumably. 

Looked like some quality men there… but the first thing I thought was of myself not being good enough for them…

Too fat. Not attractive enough 

That’s not good. I’m not ready.

I’m starting to wonder if I ever will be.

In the meantime, I’m just waiting for today’s fog to clear