I’ve been on a few dating apps. Constantly struggling between my not wanting to be there…. wanting someone to share life with….. feeling that I am not yet where I want to be before looking for a partner….
I hate that I feel like I’m selling myself like some kind of thing or commodity… or worse like meat.
Etc. Etc. In case you’re new to the world of Cinn, I overthink everything.
So anyway, I was driving down the street one day thinking about my Meyers-Briggs personality test assessment. I am an INFJ- very much so. ( Attached link if anyone is interested )
Anyway, one of the thoughts I had was that I wondered the chances of meeting another one, and would we be compatible?
That evening when I was swiping, I came across a man with this same link featured on his profile.
Seemed serendipitous…. I sent him a message. Something I almost never do. I have probably messaged first less than five times in all the years I have been single.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?
Or… Keep doing what I have always done, and keep getting the same result I have always gotten…
It felt like time to take a chance.
Anyway, he responded. And it felt like magic. We were so much alike that I wondered for a bit if I was really into him, or myself….
I found him handsome ( although I will say the more I got to know his personality, the more handsome I found him… that wasn’t what attracted me. Intelligent, charming, funny, kind … all of my top qualities in a partner.
We talked for days all day and evening… I was on cloud nine. I wondered if he might be a good partner for me. The one even…
One of my fellow empath friends told me that my energy was so giddy that she felt intoxicated from it. I was smitten… oh yes, I was smitten.
And then he hit me with the D/s and kink related questions. The site we were on is OK Cupid… which is kink friendly. It also gives each user tons of personal questions that they can answer in order to find more compatible matches. I answered some of these questions, but only enough to suggest and not outright give away some of my secrets.
In retrospect, perhaps I still gave too much away. ?
He wanted to know if I was indeed submissive, or a girl showing a little kink to get a guy for some fun play in the sheets. I did confirm that I am submissive. We had a nice conversation around this. Then he took it into sex/kink and all of my guards slammed into place.
Few thoughts here…. First, why does an otherwise grounded man lose his mind when finding out a woman is submissive? Because I defer to my partner out of love and respect… because it seems to be how I am naturally wired… doesn’t mean you get to talk to me like a cheap whore. I’m not YOUR whore.
I need to clarify here… He just got too personal with me. Too sexual. Too kinky. But he didn’t cross into a point of no return
I’m actually the weirdest blend of uptight, prude combined with kinky slut…. lol… and you only get the latter side of me when I belong to you. That’s how this works.
And then…. I thought I cut that part of me out. Off. I have lied to myself for the last couple years. I thought that I could walk away. Not be that again. Not have that relationship again.
But here I was, with someone I thought a potential good partner… and the thought was thrilling. Not exactly how I thought I’d feel… or react.
Anyway, I made myself clear to him that this was not on the table to discuss at this time… but that I was interested in getting to know him more. He said ok, and then I didn’t hear anything further from him until the next morning.
I was disappointed, but we resumed talking. And it felt great again. In sync again.
After another couple of days he ” fell asleep on me” one night. Then I asked him if he wanted to have dinner Friday night ( we had previously discussed getting together for dinner over the weekend, just not what day ) and he told me that he was ” too exhausted from a hard week at work and wouldn’t want to meet me feeling that way”….
I knew he was lying. I’m an empath. I’m highly intuitive, and after talking to anyone for a day or more.. I’m tuned in to them.
I found myself wanting to believe. I told myself that I often feel this way. We are the same personality type… and we need time to recharge.
And then I felt disgusted by my wanting to make excuses for him. Not wanting to acknowledge that my intuition was right- like I promised myself I was going to do.
Then he did it again… I didn’t hear from him until the next morning.
I did not respond.
I felt consumed by anger. More anger than I am used to feeling… but in retrospect, I think it is simply because I am no longer suppressing anger.
It popped into my head that he feels he found someone better. Later I was told that it was more that he found someone willing to give him the sexual attention that he desires… ( I have a friend with greater ability than I have )
I never heard from him again. It’s been several days now. I thought at first that I would… but now I don’t really feel that.
What I do feel is disappointed. Disappointed in so many things and on so many levels. The opposite of giddy. The air has been let out of my tires.
I had a tarot reading not long ago. It said that I was entering a hermit period… a period of introspection and growth. This is true, only I’m not just entering it… I’ve been there… and I’m feeling frustrated and sick of the process. Even if I have made progress. Lots of progress.
I have no open dating apps. I’m just not feeling it now.
I am well aware the common denominator here is me. I know I have free will, but it seems that the universe continues to tell me it’s not time for love.
Universe…. or maybe it’s just me. Every woman has the exact love life that they want. I read this somewhere. I can’t decide if I completely buy into it or not.
Just something else I’m churning round and round ….