Research says…

I have come a long way from past relationships… And am considering opening myself up fully to try again

Miss being in a relationship and feeling wanted…. check and check

Yes the typo bugs me. Spell check ugh.. but I still thought it had value here

Lately I’ve been thinking how sad it makes me feel seeing my friend lose his joy for life. He was always larger than life… Without fear…

But I think it’s also safe to say that I feel sadness when I look at my life these last few years. I’m not the same girl I used to be… But I still see her

Interesting

Yes!

No proposal in my dream… But I always felt that us getting back together would be for always… So I will translate it the same way as this

The dread.. anxiety…. i’m standing on the cliff… Getting ready to jump into life again. It’s a scary place to be

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Life and dreams

One of the things that I realized last year was that if I was going to move forward, I had to let go of the things and people in my past that I was holding on to. First and foremost of these was my first love.

I’ve wanted to write about our history many times…Stories and lives are complicated. But the bottom line is this- he never chose me. Not fully and completely like I wish and deserve to be chosen…

I’ve loved him since I was a young girl…. and somewhere deep in my heart, through the years I always hoped we would end up together again. I know I’m not alone in this.

Last year though I fully moved into loving and respecting myself… and he had ( has ) a major health crisis. Both things changed our relationship. I have done the emotional/psychological work to distance myself emotionally from any romantic feelings.

It’s not easy. It might be easier to completely walk away, but I won’t. I value this person. This relationship.

I’ve had varying feelings through the process of altering our relationship. When I pulled back, he initiated more contact. I found myself annoyed. But I also realized that he cares for me and didn’t want to lose my friendship, and tried to cut him some slack.

Anyway, recently he had another major life event… and when he turned to me I found myself feeling special. And special triggered those feelings again. I quickly shut that faucet off.

I’ve been having a lot of dreams lately. I know they are intense…. I know they are keeping me from getting restful sleep, but I don’t remember them. Usually.

I woke up the other day in a state of dread. This time I woke up mid dream. In my dream he and I were getting back together. There was a woman in my dream telling me this- I know it’s weird, but I think it was Nicole Kidman. Lol. Must be the award shows I’ve been watching…

I’m still not sure why this “news” caused me distress. Feelings of dread and anxiety are the last things I thought I’d ever feel in regards to him

Who knows. Maybe it’s not even really about him.

Maybe it never was.

Misconceptions- Day Five

 

Hmm… Misconceptions. At my age (49) most of my friends ( All ) are married and/or have kids. They look at single life as one of no responsibility. Complete freedom. Fun.

Yeah there is some truth there. But probably way more when one is in their 20s than at my age.

Responsibility… Everything relies on me. I don’t have a spouse or significant other to supplement my income. I don’t have someone else helping save for my future.

Everything that needs doing is on me. Whatever doesn’t get done, or done right.. Yeah that’s on me too.

Bad situation… again me. Time to figure shit out.

I could go on and on about my different responsibilities. We all have them.

And yes, it would be nice to have a partner to lean on… But, that said… Yes, it is also nice to not have to answer to anyone besides myself. I do have complete autonomy as to my decisions.

I’ll admit that’s pretty nice.

Fun? Sometimes. Due to the responsibilities of my friend’s own lives, I don’t get to see them as often as I’d like. That just is what it is… Another ten years and we’ll be in yet another phase of life… Crazy to think about.

I was speaking with a girlfriend the other day. She has a husband, and a baby. The things I always longed for… She was telling me how some days she wishes she was single. And I shared with her how much I wish I had a husband, and a family to come home to…. to take care of….. But because we are friends, we were able to have this beautiful, non-judgmental conversation about how none of us have the perfect life… that all of us have those moments of wanting something more or less… something different.

I realize at this time in my life that we all have our paths to walk… our own lessons to learn. And we all somehow intersect…

What I try to do is focus on what I do have. I’ve received many blessings in life…and I believe that that there is more to come.

And then I’ll miss these days of being single…  🙂

 

 

Fear- Day Four

Easy.

Dying alone.

Some days I wonder ( as recently as yesterday actually) if I would be missed. How long would it take for people to notice if I were gone ?

I think too much.

But yeah, the thought of growing old… being sick or otherwise needy… and having no one… and dying.

These are the things I fear

* No I’m not depressed. Don’t worry folks. Just been alone long enough to have these thoughts at times

Awesome : Day 3

This past year I have really been focused on myself. Maybe that’s a luxury of being single.?

My focus has been on becoming healthy. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually

I’m really proud of the growth that I have accomplished.

I have been very blessed to also have impacted others with my choice(s)

That is something I never saw coming.

This is one example I received from a friend this last week…

I used to think that I only touched people through blogging…

I was wrong .

I don’t think if I had a partner in my life this past year that I would be in the same place now.

Sometimes I forget that that’s a gift too.

I don’t have to be married. I don’t have to have children. I don’t have to be famous… Groundbreaking… Rich… Whatever the parameter might be that I once put on it…

All by myself… I still matter.

My life has meant something. I’m reminded.

That’s pretty awesome

All by myself – Day Two

Easy – the holidays. Every year since my divorce.

My family is big… I have four brothers and a sister… They all have their own families, and their own friends.

We typically get together Christmas Day at some point… But for the rest of the holiday, I’m on my own.

When I was married, my ex’s family always celebrated Christmas Eve. We played games, and ate… I loved being there… And every year I find myself missing them and this time.

When you are lonely and alone over the holidays Facebook is a place to avoid. However I kept finding myself drawn there.

Yeah tons of happy couples, families and friends.

And there’s me… All by myself…

I wonder if that was by choice… But the truth is, no it’s not by choice.

Some days being single sucks

Especially holidays.

I hope this is my last one alone