OK. So the last man I mentioned… that fizzled. No burn.
We had a decent relationship. I guess we still do. But I had to end the romantic aspect.
First thing, he ended up telling me that he was bipolar… But not only that, he had been off his meds until recently.
That is a big red flag for me. Particularly as I struggle with depression. I can’t afford to surround myself with unhealthy people and relationships.
Second thing… no spark. I understand chemistry isn’t everything… But it is something, and is important. When he kissed me, I realized that I didn’t want him to.
I didn’t want more. I wanted less.
Lastly, He has some serious health issues… And while I am accepting of this, I do expect my partner to take care of themselves.
Burying one’s head in the sand, and living in denial… Not moving forward on what is needed because it is hard… This I cannot do.
Maybe this is an unattractive side of me. I don’t know. But this is how I am wired.
Also, we don’t have a bond formed enough to make me want to take on that level of care.
I have been thinking about all of this for weeks… What I realized was that in him I saw myself.
I saw myself when I was unhappy. When I was mentally ill. When I was hiding from the world. When I wanted to dump all of my wounds on my romantic partners to Band-Aid or heal
Not a pretty sight.
But it’s in my rearview. There must be some reason I was meant to see this.
Well from there, I met another man… This man was sexy, successful and intense. Our first date was one of the most interesting and challenging conversations I’ve ever had on a date.
He is Latin… Which is my kryptonite. Oh the beautiful words are so hard to not get sucked into. And the dark smoulder… oh my… and an accent? Fans self
My intuition heard “charming” but at the same time, I did get the sense that he actually liked and was interested in me. My empathetic nature… My intuition… It still feels this. I’m not sure what to make of that.
His kisses made me want more. He asked me out for the next night and we had another nice time… But if I’m honest with myself, the conversation was not as good.
The make out session afterwards was beyond hot. This guy is hands-down the best kisser I’ve ever had. 🔥
I’m a Scorpio. My ignition switch has two speeds. On and off. 🔥🔥🔥
I wanted to eat him up he was so damn yummy. But I stopped. We made out, and I let him touch my breasts..
he wanted more. I did too… But I know that I can’t do physical intimacy without feeling. Lord knows I’ve tried. It’s not how I’m built.
So, I said no… my mistake here was to entertain the idea of an in between.
The next two days were some of the most intense pressure I’ve ever experienced.
You would think I would just tell him to fuck off. Part of me really wanted to. Part of me wanted to please him… I hate that side of me. People should have to earn that
And I couldn’t get a handle on why I felt such distinct different things from him. Was it wishful thinking on my part? Maybe but I don’t think so.
I think he’s used always getting his way. I think his thinking is fucked.
Am I fooling myself? Maybe
It was really hard to talk to friends about this. It’s hard for people to understand why this is hard. I get it. People are busy. People judge. Not that anyone means badly. We are human. I’m super quick to judge when it’s not My feelings
Seems so simple. Tell them to fuck off
I don’t. Instead I go silent. I slam the door shut
I want to say the effect is the same… but it’s not. Today, I am disappointed in myself.
But, I also realized that he reawakened something in me. I miss physical attention/affection… I miss passion
I went and got a wax. Full Brazilian. I did it thinking maybe he would touch me… But in the end I wasn’t ready. I’m still very glad I did. I realize even the small step of grooming makes me feel sexier and maybe even more hopeful?
It’s a small signal to myself that it’s OK to be a physical being. That it’s OK to fully live and love.
I’m not sure a man could ever understand all that from the removal of some hair.
Anyway. I did choose me. I did make the healthiest decision(s) for myself
I hope one day I can tell someone to fuck off and feel good about it.
I hope I can strongly advocate for myself.
Maybe I’m still getting there?
End note… so the next guy who made a joke did receive my stinger. Pretty harmless joke too.
I was wrong and he handled himself and the conversation with me beautifully.
So, turns out advocating for oneself can be tricky business too lol