So, I’m back off the apps.
I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway
That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.
A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”
So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.
I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?
All signs point to NO
And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.
I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.
I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.
Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.
I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.
Let’s repeat . Hard
But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.
When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.
This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.
I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.
OK. Scratch the word normal.
What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.
For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.
I say significant, meaning life crippling.
Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.
Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.
And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.
Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.
I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…
My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.
I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol
But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.
So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.
He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.
But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎
Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )
Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…
So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.
It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.
Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.
He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…
No mention of girlfriend.
I don’t know.
I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.
I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.
I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.
I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.
Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.
But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.
Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…
even if it never goes farther than here.
Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.
so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️
So the day of the wedding, I made time to go visit a metaphysical store near me. I have been wanting to go for some time now …
I entered feeling nervous and awkward. I started to go through the various rooms… and then went back and asked the clerk if I was allowed to wander… Since I was basically already doing that LOL.
I could tell that in doing this, that I also put him at ease.
So I looked around, and at the very end of my visit I went to look at the jewelry section close to check out. He told me to let him know if I wanted to see something…
Which I did. Immediately I was drawn to a good-sized purple pendent.
When I told him what I wanted to see, he laughed and told me people have been drawn to it for the last week….
Which is perfect because I was feeling particularly anxious and depressed.
He and I made jokes about Venus being in Scorpio… it’s making people ( like me ) feel crazier than usual.
I don’t know enough to expand on this. I am definitely a beginner level… But I find it very interesting.
In any case, I bought it ❤️
I don’t care if it’s all in my head. Wearing it makes me feel at peace.
Maybe it’s the natural lithium 😜
Plus it’s beautiful
Today was one of those days… Not quite happy, not quite depressed. Overcast weather. No plans or contact with friends.
I made myself take the dogs for a walk. I told myself during the first few steps that the physical exertion would soon produce endorphins that would make everything better.
It was dusk. We were approaching our favorite trail, and in the distance I saw movement. I could make out ears… And I saw little patches of white. At first I thought I might be seeing deer.
We went to higher ground to try to see better. I was excited to see that it was several animals… and realized it was a pack of coyotes.
I watch them creep along the brush.. they pop out briefly and slink back into the brush…
I watched them until I could hardly see them anymore.
I thanked God for showing me such an awesome sight.
I’m feeling pretty alone today, but somehow watching a family of coyotes make their way through the brush made it bearable.
It’s the little things
* Picture from the Internet. I’m not sure who it’s credited to…
I used to write a lot about fairytales. But I wrote about them from the same perspective that I’ve lived in my life… I wanted someone to save me.
At some point, I am going to write about being a babygirl/little and how the BDSM world impacted my mental health and life in a very unhealthy way… further exacerbating what was already a very bad place in my life.
For right now, I’m going to leave it at that… More to come in the future
Do not expect a BDSM general condemnation. That is not coming.
Anyway, I feel like every day I’m a healthier person… Every day I am more in control of my life. I still want the fairytale, but now I truly believe what this meme says.
I am creating the life of my dreams. Some parts like love are taking longer.
It’s really hard to be patient. I know that I have come a long way these last two years in learning to love and respect myself… And I know that that will eventually help lead me to the man of my dreams.
For now, I guess that still has to be me 🤣
so yeah, I will go ahead and clear this part up… Awesome ghosted on me.
But I think he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. As much as I miss sex, I just didn’t have that desire for him.
And guy #2
He did tell me about a medical issue he was dealing with, and asked me to wait for that to be resolved before we went out on a date… And that I’m fine with…
But he’s hot and he’s cold with his messages… I don’t take that personally, other than I feel like it’s more about him keeping his options open and probably not being in the market for a serious relationship like I am…
So, I have not written him off entirely… But I have scaled-back my hopes for this relationship.
I need someone who is consistent.
So, that’s where I’m at tonight.
Sending lots of love to everyone reading this. I did hear from a few people who have been struggling after my last post. I’m so very touched.
Please know that you are not alone no matter how alone you feel.
I was walking my two dogs tonight, on the beautiful trail by my house. It overlooks tons of sunflowers and Indian paintbrush…
I love that it’s pretty and quiet. I like listening to the sounds of nature. I like the smells.
I don’t know if this happens to anyone else… But lately sometimes when I’m outside and things are extremely beautiful, it doesn’t feel real to me. Feels like I’m in a painting. It feels like I’m looking at a picture.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s part of my own personal crazy 🤣
Anyway, I was walking along today and all of a sudden a thought crossed my mind… ” I love my life”
And stopped me in my tracks. Never before in my 49 years have I ever thought that.
Frankly, much of my life I prayed for it to be over.
And here I am, about to turn 50 and realizing that I love myself and I love my life!
This doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle with depression. I do. Yesterday was not a good day.
But today was. Today was a great day.
This post is especially for the people struggle with depression like me. For people who feel alone and broken…… Hopeless and unloved.
Know the whispers in the darkness are evil. They lie to you.
Scrape the bottom barrel, find your hope and hang on…
Because I have had many days where the voices told me it would be so much easier if I would just kill myself…
But not today. Today I love my life.
And I’m going to hang on to that