So, I have been talking to a guy I met online.
For 5 weeks.
We started messaging on the site…then texting… and eventually phone calls.
He was a pleasant surprise. So many boxes checked.
Actually the nothing happened twice.
The first time he went silent I messaged him. He responded.
I allowed myself to believe that I had jumped to conclusions about his silence.
Things progressed to the point where we were saying good morning and good night consistently…. Texting consistently during the day… And the phone calls felt good.
And I hate phone calls! Lol
I did wonder why we had not yet met. But, he kept saying we needed to meet… so I thought it was building to that.
I can be very guarded… But I was trying to be open and vulnerable… And I think I did a good job…….Appropriate for the time frame…
I prefer a man to take the lead. This, combined with my belief that this was a slow deliberate pace… I wasn’t going to push things.
Then he did want to set something up. I was thrilled! Excited and nervous
So we agreed on Wednesday or Thursday this week. He travels for business, so we would leave the day loose until we saw what our schedules looked like.
In retrospect, this was probably a flag that I missed.
Then he started to slow texts. He would respond but they were very short. I could feel the disengage.
( side note… I don’t know if it’s my personality type, my intuition or the fact that I’m a empath or HSP that makes me feel people even through text or written word… But I do …)
So after two days of this, I stopped texting him.
So maybe this could be put on me. I’m the last to not respond.
But why… to what point ?
I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t want me.
My feelings are hurt.
I really haven’t had anyone to talk about this with. My friends are busy with their own lives…
I am also well aware of being 50 versus oh say 16-20 something…..and this is someone I never even met… yeah, it seems silly or stupid. Shouldn’t be a big deal.
I shouldn’t feel this hurt.
Silly, inconvenient truth… I hurt.
It’s not that I was cat-fished. I one hundred percent do not believe that.
What I think is that there has always been somebody else…. Somebody safer.
Most likely someone in his church group that he goes to weekly… That’s what my Spidey senses tell me anyway.
That’s what he chose. Not me
Is he going to be happy with this person long-term? I don’t think so.
We all choose our own path.
I think what upsets me the most… His final actions, or more accurately inactions, don’t represent the man I believe(d) him to be.
Why is it so hard to tell me that you’re going a different way…?
You have taken up weeks/days/hours/minutes… And I don’t deserve a few more so that I am not strung along and left wondering…,
It occurred to me last night that we go through stages of grief, even in these scenarios.
For me, it typically goes 1, 3, 4, 2 and 5
Anger for me comes after the hurt… I am always angry when someone hurts my feelings. It’s actually one of the few places in my life where I allow myself to feel anger.
So last night I removed him from my friends list. Mostly symbolic… it’s acceptance and letting go. Moving on… or at least wanting to.
And then this morning I decided to pour it out here, and give it to the universe.
As I started to write this, the tears came… I let myself cry… And I leave them here too
I’ll get over it. I always do
At least this time, I haven’t lost my self worth.
I know that I’m a good woman and have tons to offer the right person
I’m really proud of that growth.
I’m also proud of the way I conducted myself start to finish… I’m proud that I put in the work to be open and vulnerable… I’m proud I took a chance.
Baby steps forward.
I leave my future in God’s hands. I pray that he has someone for me.
It’s very hard not to give up hope. But I still cling to it.
That’s what I do. I hope