That’s what I do

So, I have been talking to a guy I met online.

For 5 weeks.

We started messaging on the site…then texting… and eventually phone calls.

He was a pleasant surprise. So many boxes checked.

Then Nothing.

Actually the nothing happened twice.

The first time he went silent I messaged him. He responded.

I allowed myself to believe that I had jumped to conclusions about his silence.

Things progressed to the point where we were saying good morning and good night consistently…. Texting consistently during the day… And the phone calls felt good.

And I hate phone calls! Lol

I did wonder why we had not yet met. But, he kept saying we needed to meet… so I thought it was building to that.

I can be very guarded… But I was trying to be open and vulnerable… And I think I did a good job…….Appropriate for the time frame…

I prefer a man to take the lead. This, combined with my belief that this was a slow deliberate pace… I wasn’t going to push things.

Then he did want to set something up. I was thrilled! Excited and nervous

So we agreed on Wednesday or Thursday this week. He travels for business, so we would leave the day loose until we saw what our schedules looked like.

In retrospect, this was probably a flag that I missed.

Then he started to slow texts. He would respond but they were very short. I could feel the disengage.

( side note… I don’t know if it’s my personality type, my intuition or the fact that I’m a empath or HSP that makes me feel people even through text or written word… But I do …)

So after two days of this, I stopped texting him.

So maybe this could be put on me. I’m the last to not respond.

But why… to what point ?

I’m not going to chase someone who doesn’t want me.

My feelings are hurt.

I really haven’t had anyone to talk about this with. My friends are busy with their own lives…

I am also well aware of being 50 versus oh say 16-20 something…..and this is someone I never even met… yeah, it seems silly or stupid. Shouldn’t be a big deal.

I shouldn’t feel this hurt.

Silly, inconvenient truth… I hurt.

It’s not that I was cat-fished. I one hundred percent do not believe that.

What I think is that there has always been somebody else…. Somebody safer.

Most likely someone in his church group that he goes to weekly… That’s what my Spidey senses tell me anyway.

That’s what he chose. Not me

Is he going to be happy with this person long-term? I don’t think so.

We all choose our own path.

I think what upsets me the most… His final actions, or more accurately inactions, don’t represent the man I believe(d) him to be.

Why is it so hard to tell me that you’re going a different way…?

You have taken up weeks/days/hours/minutes… And I don’t deserve a few more so that I am not strung along and left wondering…,

It occurred to me last night that we go through stages of grief, even in these scenarios.

For me, it typically goes 1, 3, 4, 2 and 5

Anger for me comes after the hurt… I am always angry when someone hurts my feelings. It’s actually one of the few places in my life where I allow myself to feel anger.

So last night I removed him from my friends list. Mostly symbolic… it’s acceptance and letting go. Moving on… or at least wanting to.

And then this morning I decided to pour it out here, and give it to the universe.

As I started to write this, the tears came… I let myself cry… And I leave them here too

I’ll get over it. I always do

At least this time, I haven’t lost my self worth.

I know that I’m a good woman and have tons to offer the right person

I’m really proud of that growth.

I’m also proud of the way I conducted myself start to finish… I’m proud that I put in the work to be open and vulnerable… I’m proud I took a chance.

Baby steps forward.

I leave my future in God’s hands. I pray that he has someone for me.

It’s very hard not to give up hope. But I still cling to it.

That’s what I do. I hope

Advertisements

I’m not sad today

It’s probably the first Mother’s Day that I haven’t grieved the loss of what was and what might’ve been…

I always wanted to have children. Desperately….. from the time I was 18 and declaring that I was going to have six children…

But as most of you know, my story worked out differently.

I was lost in grief.

Until this year when I had a revelation… A revelation that God took something away for me to give a gift to others….

Once I could see that… Once I could follow the path that his will had taken me on…

Only then did I make peace with it.

Only then did I see the blessings I did have, and I have given…

And then and only then… did I find a piece of hope for a little bit of my dream to be realized

I don’t know what it’s going to look like.

I have learned to stop trying to control the brush… I’m letting the Master paint my life🎨

* Edit… Should probably read I have learned that I should stop trying… Some days I do better at this than others

If your heart is hurting, I send you love

May God heal your ❤️ And make our dreams come true

Relationship Goals

This is a pastor out of Tulsa Oklahoma, and if you haven’t heard him… He’s amazing.

I’m going to encourage you to watch this series… Especially those singles who are feeling discouraged. And this one’s especially for the lonely and isolated by choice … like I so often am.

A quick look back and a crush

So, I’m back off the apps.

I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

even if it never goes farther than here.

Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.

so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️

Xoxo 💋