So, I’m back off the apps.
I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway
That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.
A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”
So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.
I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?
All signs point to NO
And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.
I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.
I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.
Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.
I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.
Let’s repeat . Hard
But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.
When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.
This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.
I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.
OK. Scratch the word normal.
What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.
For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.
I say significant, meaning life crippling.
Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.
Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.
And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.
Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.
I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…
My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.
I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol
But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.
So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.
He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.
But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎
Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )
Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…
So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.
It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.
Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.
He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…
No mention of girlfriend.
I don’t know.
I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.
I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.
I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.
I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.
Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.
But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.
Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…
even if it never goes farther than here.
Sometimes just feeling again as a good thing.
so maybe cross a finger or two for me ❤️
I met him when I was eighteen years old, and a virgin. He was very tall, and handsome… blonde hair and hazel eyes……the most beautiful boy I had ever seen.
We learned everything there was to know about each other. We shared thoughts and feelings….ideas… reading books and underlining things that we found interesting, and then the other would read and we would discuss. This has remained one of my favorite memories, even a couple decades later.
We played together. Whether it was hiking, or camping….or playing army men on my naked body….we enjoyed one another.
He challenged me to do things… to try things…. he challenged my every way of thinking and being.
He made me feel things in a way that I have never felt before…. or since.
I loved him truly, deeply, madly as the song says….
And then one day she showed up….his high school girlfriend. It was a few days later that he broke up with me, and my heart broke for the first time.
I spiraled into the deepest depression of my life. I wanted to die, quite literally. I went to work and then came home and slept until the next morning…This pattern repeated itself for weeks…until his best friend came and dragged me out of bed and basically kicked my ass into living….
But our world was small, and we circled one another constantly. He was conflicted… he felt guilty about his girlfriend. He felt he owed her…but he wanted me. I wasn’t conflicted. I wanted him.
So we circled…And then I realized that I was never going to get over him unless I got away. So, I put in for a transfer… and wound up going to Turkey for nearly two years.
It was here that I would fall in love for the second time.
To be continued…